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Question: What do you think of my story that i wrote !?
A Hidden Secret
The Story of D!.B!. Cooper

“Hey dad could you come here for a second”!.
“Hold on I’ll be right there,” he said!.
I couldn’t believe what I had just stumbled on, an old leather suit case with the words “D!.B!. Cooper,” stamped into it!. If you think this is cool it was filled with cash! But the bills were not of our time!. The tens and twenty’s were odd looking they were smaller and not as green!. I was interrupted by my dads voice!.
“What’s the matter son,” he called out!.
I replied, “look at this you wont believe what I found!.”
“Well let me see,” he said!.
“Here,” I said as I was handing him the suit case!.
“Were did you find this,” he barely managed to stutter out!.
“It was right here,” I replied “who’s D!.B!. Cooper dad, how much money is in there!? Dad are you ok dad, hello!.”
“Oh sorry just hold on I’m going to go talk to your mom real quick, don’t move stay right here,” he said still staring blankly at the open suit case!.
And like that he was outside of the garage and back inside the house!.
The moment he was gone I began to wonder about so many things!. Like, how long have they known about the money!? Was I not supposed to find it!? Were did it come from!? Is it stolen!? Who’s is it!? More importantly who is D!.B!. Cooper!?
My mom and dad both came in at the same time with the same worried expression on there face, both staring straight ahead at me!. Seeing this I freaked, “look you have to believe me the money’s not mine I just found it I swear!.”
They both said “We know!.”
My mom said “listen honey we know it’s not yours but we want to talk to you about it ok!.”
“Ok,” I replied!.
Well 38 years ago your grandfather was one of the best base jumpers and sky divers in the world!. He set records for the most jumps, and the highest sky dive!. He even went into the Guinness book of world records 4 times!. Well he was known world wide that was until his disappearance!. People say that he went to France to jump off of the Eifel tower but was arrested along the way, others think he was lost at sea, but at the time your grandma was the only one who knew were he was but at that she didn’t know what he was doing!. Even though she was still here it seemed that for the 3 years your grandpa was gone she faded away with him!. Then one day he just showed up at her doorstep with a black suit and a suit case!. They talked in there room for what seemed like ages then he finally came out!. I watched him take the suit case to the garage and put it in a black chest!. No body asked him any questions about the case or wear he went we were just glad that he was back safe and sound!. Every thing was fine till about ten years later he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s which made him delusional most of the time except when he told stories!. His memory seemed to be exceptional giving details of his younger years!. Explaining the things he did like they had just happened yesterday!. The sad thing was though nobody believed him we all thought it was his Alzheimer’s until he told the story of D!.B!. Cooper!. He told us that he had gone to South America to catch a plane that was loaded with billionaires that were smuggling illegal weapons into the villages of Ecuador!. He said that those guns were being used to kill innocent people!. He had told us how he took 50,000 dollars in a suit case with the name D!.B!. Cooper on it and with the emergency parachutes on the plane jumped off the plane and started to make his way back to North America and back to us!. He told us how he used the name D!.B!. Cooper to cover up his tracks so he could return safely to us!. Lastly he told us where the suit case was, he said to take care of the money and to only use it when we knew the time would be right!. And like that the D!.B!. Cooper story was the last one he would ever tell!.

Grandma, uncle Joe, and I all decided not to put the money in the bank because it would look too suspicious!. So grandma sealed the suit case in the garage hoping no one would find it and no one did!. Shortly after grandma and uncle Joe both died of unknown causes!. So we had to take the money and hide it just like grandpa did!. And we plan to keep the money safe until we know the time is right!.

“How will we know when the time is right,” I asked!?
“We wont,” he said, “and you wont tell any one or any living creature on this Earth do you understand me, because if you do every thing that your grandfather stood for will crumble to the ground!. That means that we will have let him down do you understand!.”
“Got it don’t tell any one, but why dad don’t people want to know what he did what he stood for!?”
“That’s the thing they do and so do the bad people!. You see this wasn’t just protecting those people, or stealing because we needed money!. Your grandfather stood for what was right and what was fair alike other people in the brotherhood!. They were the men behind some of the greatest acts of courage and friendship in the world!. And if the bad people find this out thWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
In a critic's view!.
It could use some better plot structure!. You need to build the story not explain it all in one paragraph!. Or else where is the suspense!?

Grammar and spelling mistakes -- you need to correct!. You used fragments for some of the paragraphs!. You shouldn't use fragments unless it is purposefully and in some parts of your writing, it doesn't look purposefully!.

Now on to the brighter aspects of this story!. I say, it has the ideas but not the development!. I like the history you put in about the suitcase, but it can't be in one big gigantic paragraph like I said earlier!. Good luck and I'm just saying what it needs to be improved =)Www@QuestionHome@Com

yep it sounds interesting! just a few grammar problems but apart from that it's pretty good!Www@QuestionHome@Com

nice story! i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com

oooo intresting!!! but instead of asking the dad the boy should look online and find the info!Www@QuestionHome@Com