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Question: Please look this over!.!.!.!. first page rough draft!. (novel) plz give opinions!.!?
The school bell exclaimed with the usual annoying three dings, signaling the last class of the day!. The one that I looked forward to the least, Speech!. I was never a good with audiences, seeing as it always ended up with a green faced me darting down the hall towards the restrooms!.
I pushed through the student filled hallway making my way to my locker following my daily routine of rush, rush get it all done!.
When finally arrived in 'C' hall I was greeted with the most beautiful sight on the planet, Jake Walker, my boyfriend of two months!. Every time I see him butterflies still invade my stomach, how I hooked him, I still don't know!. I waved to him but I guess he couldn't see me over the crowd of tall rambunctious senior boys because he didn’t acknowledge my greeting!.
When I finally shoved passed the immature boys I scanned the hallway for my love!. Where did he go!? I kept scanning to find Jake with his back toward me and leaning against a locker!. I hurried to him, hoping to catch him before the bell rang!. I glanced at the wall clock on the way to greet him!. It’s a minute before the bell, why hasn’t he gone to class yet!? I glanced around the hallway, It was almost empty, even most of the seniors had gone to class, “Hey Jake!.” I called!.
As I got closer I got unusually suspicious, What is he doing!? He is never late to class, and he absolutely never ever ignores me!. Then I noticed something that hurt me like a dozen daggers slashing open my body, Oh my God! He was kissing her, he was kissing Ashley! My best friend since the first day that I arrived at K!.M!.S!. High, and now, the reason for my tremendous pain and agony!. I fell against the lockers all of a sudden light headed, drops of cold sweat were beading up on my forehead!. I closed my eyes praying for it to all go away!. A hand fell onto my shoulder, I ducked my head so the owner didn’t see my tear-filled eyes and probable flushed cheeks!.
“Are you ok baby!?” It was Jake, the bastard who just broke me into a thousand pieces and the blonde hair, blue-eyed boy that I once was head over heels for,
“No, I’m not ok!”
He shook his head in denial!. “It wasn’t my fault, she came onto me!”
“Oh yeah, and you just had to kiss her back!.” I looked down at the floor and with the strength and anger that I had never known I reached up and clocked him in the mouth!. He fell to the floor clutching his jaw!. “You ******* *****!”
I stared at him wriggling on the floor in pain with my hand cupped over my mouth in shock!. Oh my gosh! What did I just do!? Oh Geez…!.I’m going to be in so much trouble!

When I finally arrived in Speech, Mr!. Gregg was waiting for me with the principle, Mrs!. Kelly!. I already had a pretty good idea what Mrs!. Kelly was there for, “Serenity Harlan, come with me please!.” I hid my face behind my long brown hair from the snickering of classmates coming from behind me as I exited the room!. We walked silently through the maze of echoing hallways until we finally reached her office!. She opened the big door that I had never been on the other side of, not in any of my schools, and beckoned me in!. I walked into the unwelcoming cold room!. “Sit!.”
I obeyed as she rounded her desk,
“I saw what you did earlier on the surveillance camera!.”
I nodded knowing that I was in deep this time!.
“You are not a bad student, Serenity, especially when you look at your history!. You have been shipped from foster home to foster home since you were three years old and have never had an office visit or even a bad mark!. That makes me want to ask, what set you off!?” I cringed thinking about the answer to that question as tears once again filled my eyes,
“He cheated on me!.”
“You broke his jaw!.” She replied calmly
I stared at the floor feeling guilty, I hate violence and I hate, hate, but this seemed like it could be excused for justice!. I mean, come on, that jerk cheated on me, right!?
“Serenity, I’m going to let you off with a detention!. I don’t want this one stunt to dirty your clean slate!. Go call your foster parents, you need to go home, clear your head, and come back tomorrow with a smile!.” I nodded in gratitude!.
“Oh, and Serenity, don’t EVER do that again, next time I won’t be this forgiving!. Do you understand me!?” I nodded once again, making my exit!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hmm !.!.!. I see you've added to the story!. I'd advise you to introduce both Jake and Ashley and your main character's relationship to them before the character finds them kissing!. This would create a more dramatic series of events!. I'd introduce the characters in chapter 1 and end with the main character finding the Jake and Ashley kissing, and then raising her fist, ready to strike!. Then I would open chapter 2 with Mr Greg and Mrs Kelly giving Serenity a good telling off and doling out her punishment!.

also, as someone who actually DID this in real life, no school in the world is going to let a student off with a detention for breaking someone's jaw!. Even if the teachers do feel sorry and understand why that person punched the other person!. For all kinds of legal reasons, they have to be shown giving just punishment!. (In my case, suspension!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com

It was pretty good, but I would avoid saying things like, "Oh my god!."
Other than that I liked it a lot!. ?Www@QuestionHome@Com