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Question: Chapter Rough Draft please help!?
The school bell exclaimed with the usual annoying three dings, signaling the last class of the day!. The one that I looked forward to the least, Speech!. I was never a good with audiences, seeing as it always ended up with a green faced me darting down the hall towards the restrooms!.
I pushed through the student filled hallway making my way to my locker following my daily routine of rush, rush get it all done!.
When finally arrived in 'C' hall I was greeted with the most beautiful sight on the planet, Jake Walker, my boyfriend of two months!. Every time I see him butterflies still invade my stomach, how I hooked him, I still don't know!. I waved to him but he couldn't see me over the crowd of tall senior boys playing what looked to be, who can be the biggest animal in the school!.
When I finally shoved passed the immature boys I scanned the hallway for my love!. Where did he go!? I kept scanning to find Jake with his back toward me and leaning against a locker!. I hurried to him, hoping to catch him before the bell rang!. I glanced at the wall clock on the way to greet him!. It’s a minute before the bell, why hasn’t he gone to class yet!? I glanced around the hallway, It was almost empty, even most of the seniors had gone to class!.
As I got closer I got unusually suspicious, then I noticed something that hurt me like a dozen knives slashing open my body, Oh my God! He was kissing her, he was kissing Ashley Hall! The head cheerleading ***** and now, the reason for my tremendous pain and agony!. I fell against the lockers all of a sudden light headed, drops of cold sweat were beading up on my forehead!. I closed my eyes praying for it to all go away!. A hand pulled me up from the floor, I ducked my head so the owner didn’t see my puffy bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks!. “Are you ok baby!?” It was Jake, the bastard who just broke me into a thousand pieces and the blonde hair, blue-eyed boy that I once was head over heels for,
“No, I’m not ok!”
He shook his head in denial!. “It wasn’t my fault, she came onto me!”
“Oh yeah, and you just had to kiss her back!.” I looked down at the floor and with the strength and anger that I had never known I reached up and clocked him in the mouth!. He fell to the floor clutching his jaw!. “You fuken beetch!”
I just stood over him smiling with a feeling of contentment, knowing that he was almost in as much pain as I was, “Two timing bastard!.”Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's quite good and you should keep up with the good work!
But I can give you a few tips- yes, when you're writing in first person, your character doesn't know if they've got flushed cheeks or bloodshot eyes!. I've learnt this from experience, and people tend to judge your story like that!.
Another thing I'd like to point out is that you should review and edit your work, then review once more!. This can eradicate simple mistakes like grammar errors or mispelt words!.
To create a consistent character, you could perhaps draw up a plan of her!. This you could do on the computer, on a piece of paper- write down her name, her age, interests, flaws, habits, personality, appearance, etc!. This really helps!
However, your story sounds great and I'd love to read more of it! Good luck and I hope I've helped! Don't give up!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's quite good!. A good story starter!. Keep at it and i'm sure it'll be great!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, it's pretty much the standard cliche, isn't it!? Unpopular high school girl in love with stunning senior boy, complete with bitchy cheerleader!.
Apart from that, you need to consider that when you write in first person you don't get to describe yourself unless you are looking in a mirror!. She wouldn't know she has puffy bloodshot eyes - and in any case, it's been about twenty seconds, not half an hour - she'll have barely started with the tears!.
There's also one bit that makes no sense at all - reread this sentence: "I waved to him but he couldn't see me over the crowd of tall senior boys playing what looked to be, who can be the biggest animal in the school!."
You write well, but you really should consider whether you want to spend your time writing yet another tale of ordinary girl in high school, someone who is so unconfident she throws up in speech class but has no problems decking a much older boy - and then standing over him crowing afterwards!. Doesn't sound like a very consistent character to me - sounds more like self-insert wish-fulfillment!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The poor girl! Jake sounds like a total jerk!.
This short, rough draft needs to be extended, but I'm assuming by the wording of your question that you already know this!. I'd go into a bit more detail about the main characters relationship with Jake and perhaps you could also show her having some kind of run-in with Ashley prior to her find the pair kissing!. Or perhaps they could even just see one another in the halls - either way, please show/describe her to the reader as this would create a far more dramatic and satisfying climax if the reader was to already know that Ashley was a horrible person and they thought that the main character and Jake had a "perfect" relationship!.Www@QuestionHome@Com