I need some honest feedback?

Question: I need some honest feedback!?

I'm writing this short story, and I'm wondering if you could take the time to read it and give me your opinion, honest opinion!. It's not too long, two paragraph o!. If you follow the following link it will lead you to the story!. It is only the beginning, but I put a lot heart into it!. I could use some honest feedback!.

http://www!.writerscafe!.org/writing/DeadC!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Hey! I've read hundreds of books in my life, I've majored in literature (to put it mildly) and I honestly think that this piece of writing is great!. It's deep and its development is natural, it flows harmoniously!. It's not necessarily original, but that's not a bad thing!.

I just wanted to tell you that even if in the first paragraph you said it's day, it gives me the feeling that it's night!. I find this really hard to render, whether you meant it or not, so congratulations!

And now the bad part!.!.!. You used the word "then" too many times, in my opinion (5 times in the last 5 rows)!. You might replace it here and there with words such as "afterwards, later on, soon after that, next" etc, or you might delete it in some contexts!. But this is just an opinion!.

One more thing!. Is there, by any chance, a word missing here!? "Her innocent blue eyes were staring at with immense curiosity!."Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it!. It's really mysterious and mind bottling!.

The only thing is I would change 2 grammatical things!. In the 2nd to last sentence of the 2nd paragraph, I think "such innocence" should be it's own sentence, and in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph, I'd say "earlier" instead of "early," I'd say "right of my face" (or something like that, you're really good at being all artsy and stuff, just let them know what the smile's being wiped off of), and I'd also say "and the uneasiness!.!.!." instead of just "the uneasiness!.!.!."

I don't know, that's just my opinion on some of the grammatical stuff!. But as a story, I thought it was really cool and mysterious and stuff!. Good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you're headed in the right direction!. It's a little vague for a short story, but it sounds like it could be more novella-length or even a novel if you wanted to work it into that!.

Just make sure you keep up with your word choice and proofreading!. One thing I did notice was the use of "worst" instead of "worse" in the first paragraph!.

You're on the right track!. Keep writing!. I can't tell where it's headed, but it sounds promising!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

oh god!.!. that's so good!
wow you have excellent wording!!! that's awesome lol, honestly!.
just in this part, 'or much worst for that matter!.' it's WORSE not WORST!.

but that's barely even a mistake!.!.!. it's really good!.
i have no idea what it's about yet, but it's written so well!.!. it's amazing :DWww@QuestionHome@Com

i think it was a nice story, but i keep wondering about the girl with innocent eyes which were filled with immense curiosity !.!.!.!.!.but about what!? and next what happened to her!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you have a great talent!. Don't stop!. Continue writing!. I hope you're young!. Because if you are, you have plenty of time to develop your art even before adulthood!. Good Luck to you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

thats truely amazing!
you put ALOT of heart in that :]
im also a writer,
and i read alot
but that was amazing!.
kindof vague in the beginning
but it made it more intense :PWww@QuestionHome@Com

AH where's the next line!? Or the next paragraph or the next page!?! It is so enticing!. I really think that if you finish it, it would go over well when released!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

As a first draft, I like this!. Not much is happening, but there's promise with what you wrote!.

Story Tutorials
http://www!.storyentertainment!.com/owWww@QuestionHome@Com

I see no point in it, It rambles on about!.!.well I'm not sure about what!. It seems to have an intense and attractive beginning!.
It's is great thoughWww@QuestionHome@Com

It doesn't really say anything!.

It sounds like a bunch of random thoughts!. I have no idea what this story is about!.Www@QuestionHome@Com