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Question: What do you think of the beginning of this book!?
Please be honest, you wont hurt my feelings :) If you dont like it, please suggest some changes!. Thanks
“Masapekqua come eat your spaghetti!” called my mom from downstairs!. “Do I have to!?” I asked!. “I really busy with homework!. I’ll eat it later!” I tried to reason with her, just like every other night!. Would it really work!? No probably not!. “No young lady! You come down here right now and finish your spaghetti or you will be grounded for a month!” She yelled!. This is why I am moving away next Tuesday, I thought to myself as I stomped down the stairs!. “Mom I’m not hungry!” I protested once again!. “I don’t care your dad will be home in ten minutes and he will be very hungry after a day at work!.” She said!. O well!. I only have to live here another week!. Next Tuesday I will get to move away to boarding school! I can’t wait to start middle school!. “Oh no!” my mom cried!. “What!?” I asked!. “I forgot to get bread at the store!”She said!. “Fine, I’ll go get it!” I said!. I grabbed 10$ and headed for the door!. The walk over was fine, the sun was just setting!. But when I got to the store, the doors were locked!. I looked at my watch!. Its only 5:30! The rusty old sign said it closed at 7!. Maybe something is jamming the door!. This store was pretty old!. So I walked around to the back entrance and tried the door!. It opened! “Carl!?” I shouted!. Carl was the manager of the store and my mom’s friend!. “Carl, are you there!?” I asked again!. No one answered!. I walked to the checkout line!. No one was there either!. Well this is weird!. I’m leaving this place is creepy!. I started for the door!. Clink, Clink!. Something dropped off a shelve!. Ok ill go look and then I’ll leave!. I went down the aisle and there lay a wooden gargoyle holding a loaf of bread!. The gargoyle was chipped in some places and looked eerily gray!. He was hunched as if he was trying to make himself look small!. I picked it up!. The loaf of bread had a price tag of 1!.50!. The statue had a price tag of 8!.50!. I had enough, I put my 10$ bill in Carl’s office, and headed for the door!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
ah-mazing! but how r u going 2 explain the gargoyle thing!? and where was carl!? ok, u want 2 hear a really important rule in writing!? you really need to keep the tense the same!. like, "I can't wait 2 start!.!.!." should be "i couldnt wait to start!.!." u get it!? it keeps the story clearer and is a very important factor in writing!. also, u need to use more punctuation!. like "i dont care, your dad!.!.!." bec that prevents your sentences from becoming run ons!.i would also add "well, this is weird!.!." also, you hae to decide whether to put thoughts in quotes or not, but u have to b continious w/ ur decision or it gets confusing!.also, if u want the reader to feel apart of the story, instead of saying asked, use groaned by wen she anseres "do i have 2" so just work a little on technicalities like that, and u r ttly good!
wen u continue this, make sure to add details!. deatails r an amazing way to portray personality!. like her style of clothes- preppy, casual, doesnt care!.!.!. or her walk-does she shuffle!? spring!? glide!? u kno, that tells me alot abt who she is and stuff!. but continue and post moe, i am ttly curious! ho old r u, btw!? this is rly good!. ttfn! rly, i wud love 2 help u w/ this, i am also in the mid of a book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
sounds very promising, but does the character have to be called such a complicated name as Masapekqua!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
That is excellent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I found many mistakes!.!.!. Too many to even say them all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
put the $ in front of the number!.but its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Every time a person talks its a new paragraph:
“Masapekqua come eat your spaghetti!” called my mom from downstairs!.
“Do I have to!?” I asked!. “I really busy with homework!. I’ll eat it later!” I tried to reason with her, just like every other night!. Would it really work!? No probably not!.
“No young lady! You come down here right now and finish your spaghetti or you will be grounded for a month!” She yelled!.
This is why I am moving away next Tuesday, I thought to myself as I stomped down the stairs!. “Mom I’m not hungry!” I protested once again!.Www@QuestionHome@Com