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Question: Constructive criticism on first paragraph of story!? !?
This is going to be a fictional story and I would really like some constructive criticism on it so far!.

Barely awake I lay curled up in my red doona, clutching my left wrist in agony as my body trembled from the coldness I felt!. Cold in the middle of summer was indeed not a good sign!. Images began flooding my mind, my brother running in coming to wake me only to find me lying their cold like a stone!. My heart and soul gone forever!. I stared up at the ceiling how dark and scary it looked at night!. Any second I thought a ghost of some passing relative would appear and while staring at me with its cold, penetrating eyes would say, ‘you are not welcome here Alexa, I thought you would know that already’!. Then smiling its deceitful smirk would disappear becoming only a memory!. My grave thoughts were interrupted, as one by one little pricks of pain began to slither up my arm, I could feel it beginning to win the fight!. It knew I was far too weak for its darkness!. I felt stupid lying their in my bed, not knowing what was happening!. My heart was racing like a fire engine, “just breathe in and out” I repeated to myself, “just in and out”!. Everyone thing suddenly went blurry and then, just like that, I was lost in the darkness of my bedroom!.

“beep… beep… beep” groaning I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock!. “Idiot” I whimpered as I shook my hand like a mad women, trying to rid the throbbing pain!. How many times I had hurt myself with the little piece of metal had w!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. and it goes on!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The wording sounds a little awkward, so try to improve on grammar and usage!. But you were very descriptive, and I could just picture what the character was going through!. I would give it a 7!.7/10Www@QuestionHome@Com

You have a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes!. also, I'm really lost so far!. Maybe I could help you out farther if I knew more about the direction the plot is going to take!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

First is part is written well, but it is cliche!. The second part (starting with beep!.!.!.beep!.!.!.beep) did not sound as good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com