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Question: What do you think of my story!? !?
Baby crying in distance and Peter is walking down the street he’s got hoody on and it’s raining and it’s dark!. He knocks on a door looks around shivers like his cold!. He throws his cigarette bud to the side!. Door opens slightly Ava opens looking pale, dark circles around her eyes, her blonde hair tied up!. She asks in a whisper voice: “who is it”!. Peter answers: “it’s me… its, its Peter”!. Ava looks at him stunned, shocked, you can see the wear and tear of a hard life in her face, yet she remains beautiful!. You can hear that she wants to cry in her voice, opens the door wider: “what are you doing here!?” Peter pushes his head forwards to look her in the eyes since he’s taller than her and says: “I’m back” with a reassuring smile!. Ava looks down shakes her head looks back up at him: “why!?” Peter laughs as if it is a joke and looks around, looks deeper into her eyes: “what do you mean why!?” Ava looks at him angrily: “go home Peter you don’t belong here”!. Peter stands back and scratches his shaved head: “this is my home, I want to see my son, I want to be with you, look I’m better okay” deep breath “You don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore okay” looks deep into her eyes again as if to reassure her ”I’m done”!. Ava looks at him, pain in her eyes!. Peter: Can … can I just see me son, I, I just want to see him Ava all right; I just want to see him, at least grant me that!.” Ava opens door wider, moves her head in a backward gesture “go on then!.”
Keep in mind these characters have an Irish accent!. This is a rough draft of a scene that played in my head, and I was just wondering how my writing is!. Please just be honest, not rude, honest!. Any tips or advice!?
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's a nice short piece, but certainly lacking in sentence and paragraph structure!. You'll definitely want to edit this one more time at least before you post this again or show it to someone else, in order to ease the flow and difficulty of reading!.
I can see already many people are going to say that you have too many sentence fragments, the lines are too stunted, or that your style is too abrupt!. While most of this is true, you said that this was a scene that played in your head - that is most likely why this passage reads more like a script than a "story" piece!. But even as a script it is lacking in proper form, as well as some hooks to draw in the reader!.
It will look, at least in its presentation, much better if you go back and clean up the format a bit, and decide to stick to either a narrative piece or a script!. At this moment in your writing experience I don't think you're ready to try to merge the two into a more stylized piece!.
Keep going though!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i was quite intrigued, would like to hear the rest of the story! your grammar could use some work as well as your spelling, but like you said its a rough copy!. Keep writing!. I like it!.
where is the baby if its raining and dark outside!? Maybe a siren instead of a baby!?!?!? Just a thought!. its just unrealistic to hear a baby from outside if its raining!. I really do like it though!. It definitely grabbed me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
What's with all the stage direction!? What you have offered here is an idea for something -- a story, a screenplay, etc!. -- but it is not a story!. Writing down a bunch of thoughts is not a story!. Don't post rough drafts!. It's a waste of everyone's time!. You owe your reader far better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think this is a really nice scene!.!.!. and I can totally picture it without you telling me how!. That's the hardest part of writing and you got it! Continue writing or!.!.!. you could easily turn this into a screenplay :) Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The scenario is really good!. You should mention if it is a holiday like Christmas or something!. also I like how you make us seem as if we were there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i love it and i know its a rough draft but what do they look like the rest sooooo goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Remember, the reader is an idiot, they have no idea what this is about until you explain it to them, they are totally blind from what peter has apparently done, and they don't know why ava is mad, you need to include something that can clue the reader in on what has previously gone on!. Your writing needs work!. Ask a teacher, or an author or someone, or read some books on it but it needs work!. The good news, i like the story line, kind of mysterious and it makes me want to read into it more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com