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Question: You like my story!? did you get hook!?
Hello I'm writing a story right now and I'm looking for feedback so I can make my story better!.!.!.so here is the first part!.!.!.
A cute angelic little girl with short hair that look like snow hugging her baby face dressed in a white laced-dress playing, what it seems to be hide-and-go-seek with a boy!. The boy who looks about a few years older than the girl was wearing black pants and a white long-sleeve- button shirt!. Other than his devilish dark eyes and hair like midnight; his perfect nose, small red lips, and fair skin gave him a charming look!. The little girl now behind an old oak tree hid with anticipation as the boy searches around!. Finally the boy walks towards the oak tree, getting closer to the girl with each step!. Just as the boy was about to look behind the tree, a high-pitch ring pierced through the perfect blue sky and then everything faded into a complete blur!.
so!? was it descriptive, or do i need more!? If it lacks something what is it!?
If you like to read the rest of what i have to understand it better i could send it to you!.
Thanks in advances!!! PLS give me lots of advices!!! ;]Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
No, you do NOT need more description! Remember, Show Not Tell!? That's good!.
I also see you've been a victim of your teachers!. Teachers today tell you to add as much detail as possible, but that's really annoying to read!. You've got to let the reader think for themselves-- give them a bit of leash!. Right now, you're jerking the reader around by their collar and it's painful!. Relax, give them some slack and they won't run off down the street, I promise-- freedom makes them want to return!.
Here's an example: What actually happened!? "A bee flew over a girl and made her drop her soda!. She was scared!." Now, that's really boring!. How can I describe that excessively!? "The yellow and black-striped, buzzing, fat bumble bee buzzed loudly over a girl in a pink shirt and white shorts!. She was drinking a soda in a red can, which she dropped and the can clinked loudly on the white cement as the sticky caramel liquid spilled everywhere like the sea!. The girl screamed loudly, her voice shrill, and quickly ran away at lightning speed!." Whoa, whoa, now, that was ugly and clunky!. What's a happy medium!? "A yellow bee buzzed above the girl's head!. She dropped the soda she had been holding, which spilled and made the sidewalk sticky, and ran away screaming!." Do you see what I mean!?
How could you simplify your paragraph!? "An angelic girl with skin as white as her lacy dress was playing what seemed to be hide-and-go-seek with a boy!. The boy, who looked older than the little girl, had a charming, perfect look outside of his devilish eyes and dark hair!. The girl hid behind an old oak; the boy grew closer and closer!. Just as he was about to discover her, a high-pitched ring pierced the air!. The sky, the trees, the world faded into a complete blur!." Isn't that easier to read!?
Note: You randomly switch tense (verb time) in this paragraph!. I just went with past!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your story seems very interesting, please send it to me! Some constructive criticism: I think you have a bit too much detail, and it makes your sentences painstakingly looooong!. You might want to put a little less!. also, it quivers a little between present tense and past tense!. It seems like it's supposed to be in present tense, so keep it that way!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it needs a little bit of more work!. I would post it to a writing site like http://www!.chapteread!.com it's a great way to get more feedback and advice from fellow writers!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
it was great!.!.!. perfect!.!.!.!.!.what was the high piched ring!? hahaWww@QuestionHome@Com
It sounds a little like broken English because the tenses are off!. All of the dashes (-) aren't necessary!. It's suspenseful, and the description lets you picture the scene!.
I tried to fix the tenses for you, but if you don't like it of course keep it the way you have it!.
"A cute angelic little girl with short hair that look[es] like snow hugging her baby face [is] dressed in a white laced-dress playing !.!.!. what seems to be hide-and-go-seek with a boy!. The boy !.!.!. looks about a few years older than the girl [and is]!.!.!.!.wearing black pants and a white long-sleeve- button shirt!. Other than his devilish dark eyes and [midnight like] hair !.!.!. his perfect nose, small red lips, and fair skin !.!.!. [give] him a charming look!. The little girl [is] now behind an old oak tree hid[ing] with anticipation as the boy searches around!. Finally the boy walks towards the oak tree, getting closer to the girl with each step!. Just as the boy was about to look behind the tree, a high-pitch ring pierce[s]!.!.!. through the perfect blue sky and !.!.!. everything fade[s] into a complete blur!.Www@QuestionHome@Com