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Question: Is this any good!? Please answer!!?
This is my opening for a novel!. HONEST opinions please!.

1

Jake came to collect me from the hospital!. My things were all packed up, all my important documents rolled up under my arm!. I wore the skinny jeans and black t-shirt I’d come in!. My hair hung around my shoulders, tassled in its natural curls!. I wore no make up and my nails were rough-looking, not painted or filed!.
My fingers picked at the edge of the bedcovers!. The colours were horrible - a brazen orange, a mint green, a white, all mixed together to form some kind of floral pattern!. The chairs by my bed, a typical hospital bed with its white bars and gadgets and buttons, were made of metal, with one of those itchy, grey woollen covers on the seat!. Everything that was supposed to be wood seemed to have been made of plastic!.
I inhaled!. Through the small section of glass in the door, I saw an intern doctor past, annoyingly optimistic!. She had a spring in her step!. A moment later, the door opened and a tall, slim woman I’d come to know as Stephenie, dressed in her nurse’s garb, smiled warmly at me from the doorframe!.
“Adalie, honey, you’re brother’s waiting out front!.” She beamed at me!. It made her face light up!.
I nodded but sat, frozen!. For two months all I’d wanted was to leave this place, but now my heartbeat quickened!. My mouth dried up faster than the Sahara!. My shoulders began to shake and the smile faded from Stephenie’s face!. She came to sit beside me, grasping my hand!. Her hands were warm, mine icy cold!. She put an arm around my shoulders!.
“There, now!.” She said, and after a moment, the shaking in my shoulders stopped, but my palms stayed sweaty and the feeling of nausea stayed!. She smiled down at me, satisfied with my calming!. “I know the world can be hard to face, but it don’t mean that you stop trying!.”
Her eyes, big and brown in their sockets, were warm and kind and they soothed me!. They reminded me of Elizabeth’s eyes, and with that thought, I suddenly longed for home!. More than a longing!. I ached for it!. And Jake was waiting right outside to take me home!.
I stood, my legs feeling a little unsteady!. I picked up my backpack from the floor beside me and grabbed the handle of my suitcase!. I took a step towards the door, then stopped!. I turned back to Stephenie, who was smiling again!.
“I don’t know how to…thank you!. And everyone else!. You’ve all been so kind, I…”
“Adalie, honey,” Stephenie shook her head!. “Don’t even try!. It’s people like you that I work for!. Now, let’s get you home!.”
I wheeled my suitcase out to the front parking lot!. My brother’s car, a Volvo that had been a guilt present from our Mom for his seventeenth birthday, was newly washed and glinting in the strong, mid-morning sunlight!. Jake himself was leaning against the passenger door, head buried in his iPod!. He raised his head, his blue eyes squinted to scan the parking lot!. Then he saw me at the door and his face broke into a smile!.
Something in me suddenly wore out!. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then, as soon as I was in my brother’s car and we were hitting the road, only then, did I begin to cry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is a really awkward phrase:
"My fingers picked at the edge of the bedcovers"
Since this is written in first person, it makes no sense for the fingers to be described as a separate entity from the speaker; it's distracting for the reader!.

The description of the room in the second paragraph is disjointed and confusing--read over it and you'll see what I mean!.

"I inhaled!. Through the small section of glass in the door, I saw an intern doctor past, annoyingly optimistic!. She had a spring in her step"
Do you mean "pass"!? also, if it's only a small section of glass in the door, how can the speaker tell that the doctor has a spring in her step!? Is the window by the floor!?

"a Volvo that had been a guilt present from our Mom for his seventeenth birthday"
Why a guilt present!? This needs to be explained!.

____________________


There are more awkward phrases in this--you should read through it!.

Right now it feels like more of an ending to me than a beginning!. Once you figure out what the conflict is, you should foreshadow it!.

Alternatively, perhaps this is one of those stories that begins at the end and then returns to the beginning, in which case the reader should see the character before she is hospitalized and discover the events leading to her illness (or is it a psychiatric hospital!?)!.

Good luck!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very good, and I've been reading two books a week for 50 years!. I suspect the young lady is leaving a facility where she's been getting help for a mental problem!.
"My things were all packed up" - remove the up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow, I really want to keep reading!
It sounds great!.
Hmm!.!.!. lots of things could be going on though perhaps she's recovering from depression, a coma, an illness, diese ect!. And she's gotten really used to the life style she built in the hospital and now she has to face something really big!.!.!. or just get back into reality!?
something along those lines!.Www@QuestionHome@Com



Krissy Honey, go back to the hospital, find the doctor,
give him a good slap in the kisser for you and your
main character,he forgot to give you the smartning
pills!.seriously, i think you should go back and start
out your writing career by first learning how to write
nursery rhymes,and commercial jingles,believe me
this is no disgrace!.in fact,there is good money to be
made doing this!. pratice makes perfect!.then try books
Good Luck Eric S
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All right, you want an honest answer!. Well then don't get upset (many people do) at what I have to say!. It'ps all to help you!. I wouldn't bother answering this if I didn't think you were worth helping (no, not even for ten points)!. Here it goes:

- In your writing you tell us in great detail what the character looks like!. That is not the purpose of an author!. You need to SHOW us what's happening!. That way your story is more interesting, and it sounds more real to the reader!.

- "She beamed at me!. It made her face light up!." This sentence is redundant!. If she's beaming, the readers know that her face is lit up!.

- Remember to show your unique voice in your writing!. And because this is a first person POV, the readers should get a sense of your character through what you write!.

- Your narrator is in danger of becoming a Mary Sue!. That's a character with no defining traits or qualities!. You need to do some character development!. Get inside her head, and find out what makes her special!.

None of this is writing that would blow me away, but it's a good start!. I'm glad you started with a sentence that would interest readers!. Keep working on it, edit your work, etc!. You're doing a good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

well i don't like the name Jacob/Jake and that kind of drew me away from the excerpt a little bit!. the reason is because Jake is the name of the werewolf in Twilight and i know a lot of people are "team edward" and a lot of people have read that book!. so maybe come up with a different name if you're expecting to publish this!. maybe come up with a name that is unique, not a name that is common!. also i can see you took some things from Twilight or maybe you just have the same writing style as Stephenie Meyer but the Volvo and Stephenie's name!. maybe try and make it more original!. also when Stephanie was talking to Adalie she said “I know the world can be hard to face, but it don’t mean that you stop trying!.” the proper grammar should be !.!.!."but it doesn't mean that you stop trying!." but if that was planned then it's a very good addition to the story because to me it mean's this takes place in the south, like Stephanie has a southern accent!. but as i was reading on i got hooked and i wanted to know what happened to Adalie and why she was crying!. i think it's very good!. if you finish it, or at least the chapter i would definitely like to read the rest!.Www@QuestionHome@Com