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Question: Trying to write the opening to a short story!. What do you think!?
Just playing around here!.!.!.!.but, I would be interested in whether anyone reading this would want to read on and see what happens!.

She felt hot and claustrophobic and for one awful momemt saw the corners of the room disappear into purplish darkness; the old familiar prelude to total nothingness!. Fighting back against the darkness she tried to concentrate on what he was saying!.

“!.!.!.!.!.!.your attitude!. It’s up to you!. I don’t start these things!. Answer me! Why don't you speak!? You know that provokes me!.”

She turned without responding and gazed at the dull grey, mist-shrouded garden and leaned her forehead against the coolness of the window pane!.

It was never meant to be like this!. How could passionate love turn into hatred in such a short a time!? She could not bare to look at him, to do so made bile rise up in her throat causing her to retch!. She knew he was still talking!.!.!.!.shouting, but she had given up listening!. His mercurial tantrums followed a familiar pattern!. He would berate her, insult her and when she refused to retaliate, would push her, strike her even!.
She was so weary!. Exhausted by it all!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
To answer your question, yes, I think it interesting and would read more!.
It's a good hook, written in active voice; good things to see in writing!.

Suggest perhaps the sentence (though I realize you're 'just playing around') in which the woman gazes at the garden be broken up just a tad, because of its length, by a comma between 'garden' and 'and' --or wherever you think one fits best!.
2nd ADD: Or however you want to ease its length, if you do!. It's a very small 'notice!.'

Nothing else caught my attention as needing more work!. It's good work!.

(Suggest also that if you are actually working on a piece for publication you post no more of it online!. That's because on occasion agents, publishers, editors; those who buy a writer's work, might see and remember it as something already put up for many to see for free, and that = no sale!.)

ADD: I see nothing at all 'old-fashioned' about this piece!. Vocabulary is up-to-date!.
It's possible that anyone who thinks this has perhaps just not read enough literature!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'd suggest right after "She felt hot and claustrophobic !. !. !." giving the reader a hint of who "she" was!. This may be me, but when I meet ANYBODY--in real life or not--I immediately start asking questions about who that person is!.
Don't assume the reader knows the characters in any piece of literature; I mean on a connective, close, personal level--that is!.

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Overall, very good at drawing the reader into the story!. Things I did not like are the 'bile' reference, perhaps just the use of the word bile and too many 'her' in the second to last sentence!. Minor picks on a great start to a story!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's really good i hope you win an award! I'm publishing a book too!

Ha!. Happy Writing

Since you are a really good writer can you please, please answer my friends question http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!. it would mean a lot

My english class is talking about short stories and i love yours!Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is excellent work for someone who is "just playing around"!.

However I sort of figured out the plot for this story, but then I may be wrong!.

How can I know when I can buy this book when you've published it!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I find that big words don't help to express real thought I couldn't get involved in the character or relate even though I've been through similar experience myself!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

That is really, really good!. If you publish it, then I'm buying it!. You could make loads of money with it!. Seriously though, its REALLY good!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think you did really good, i like the description and detail, by the way who is your favorite author, i like stephen kingWww@QuestionHome@Com

I think its very good!. You have great vocabulary but still what Im reading is a little hazy, but that doesn't matter because its such a short part!. Very good job!:DWww@QuestionHome@Com

Ooooh!.!.!.this could be the start of a good novel! Your hook pulled me right into the story!!! Wow!.!.!.so abusive of a relationship though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

the last paragraph is the best part!.!.the top part really sux!.!.!. use more modern terminologyWww@QuestionHome@Com

I got a title for a book!. " Faster then the speed of love" with doctor Jon, Olivia Newton Jon!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Alright, its Great im not even joking i just saw the whole movie in my head,
Continue writting!!!
good luckWww@QuestionHome@Com

I love it! I'm trying to publish a book!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's nice and detailed!. I think it's goodWww@QuestionHome@Com

he was a greedy selfish cold false b*****Www@QuestionHome@Com

What a great beginning! More, please!.!.!.can't wait to see the next installment!Www@QuestionHome@Com

WOW i think thats really great!!! ur doing very well keep it up! (:Www@QuestionHome@Com

its good
if u publish a book get my a free copy!

^!.^Www@QuestionHome@Com

It has potential, but, as a fellow writer, I would suggest a few things!. One thing that I see is the author is "see all, know all", which works to a point!. Some people like being told everything that's happening, from every point of view, knowing everyone's thoughts!. I personally like only seeing from one point of view, hearing only that one persons thoughts, experiencing whats going on through that character!.

For example, lets say its a bar scene, (My friend recently started out a section of his book here), the main character comes in, he's in a foul mood and already drunk!. The bartender hesitated, holding the bottle above the glass!. And so on!. This is paraphrasing, not actually what was written!. Instead of saying the bartender hesitated, you make the character act out the scene, so, when the bartender stopped short of the glass, sighed, you get the picture that he is hesitating, so you have no reason to explain that!.

Make sense!?

Since this is such a short section, its hard to give a good example for you're writing!.


Another thing I've learned, not so much here, but I can kind of feel it starting this way, is the all too familiar "information dump!." You don't really want to write in a way where you explain everything that is, was, and is going to be for that character!. It leaves no mystery, nothing for the reader to think about, hope for, expect, etc!. Like a "what you read is what it is"!.

I think it would be better to describe the surroundings first, because it doesn't seem to be an ordinary setting!. Then I would bring in the characters and actions that are taking place!. But that is my personal way of writing!. I find it easier and more interesting to describe everything before describing the characters!. And in this case, I would recommend this because there are 2 unnamed people, and saying "She" and "He" becomes repetitive!. This, of course, may be the result of a quick starting and you haven't thought of names!. also, neither the characters are really personable yet, so being in an intense situation before knowing who each person is, makes the opening more of part that should be later!. But this is my opinion!.

And, why did she give up listening when she just moments ago tried to concentrate on what he was saying!? Why is she still with this guy if he has done it before!? If this guy is so bad, then what is wrong with her!?

Just a few random questions for this short section!. Maybe you answer them later!. But yeah, I put writing under a microscope!.!.!.this reflects nothing on you!.

The biggest thing is this: Know the audience you are writing for before you write!.

If you are writing for teens, then the way you write is how I suggested not writing!. One thing I have noticed is 20 year old and younger people have been taught that thinking is bad!. They have grown up with mind damaging videogames, violent brainless movies, and relatively bad music that says if you aren't rich, have 20 houses, 50 cars, and any woman you want, you are worth nothing!. And I do mean this in a nice way, its not an attack on anyone!. Its just how it is!. Kids do better with books that are straight forward, where the author tells them everything, where they never have to make up their mind, and where the story either happy all the way, or dark and sad all the way!.

If you are going to write for adults, mostly 25 and up(21-24 seems to be a transitional age group where you get mixed cases), then write in great detail without telling the reader how something is unless you yourself want it to be a specific way!.

Hopefully this all made sense, and if anything, helps you in some way!. I can't really say if what you will write would be good or bad, this short bit is a too small for me to make a judgment!. Www@QuestionHome@Com