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Question: POLL: 2nd chapter to my book! (ITS NOT LONG!) read please and give advice!!!!?
I ask the flight attendant lady where my seat is located!. She smiles and points to the right!. “Right over there, Miss!.” I make my way toward my seat!. I hate how people stare at me as I pass them!. I am not an endangered species, nor a celebrity!. What is so interesting about me, anyway!? Just a normal teen, making her way to her seat!. Damn owls!.
My seat is located by the window!. I am fully satisfied with that!.
I set my bag in front of my seat!. I get cozy, and I stare out through the window!.
One last look at “trouble-for-me-ah”!. California!.!.!.oh California!.
Today was the last day of school!. I missed it, of course!. Considering the fact that I missed half the school year!. The teachers are so used to marking me absent!. In fact, it makes them relieved if I’m not there!.
I bet the principal got the day off today, there is no fun for him without my *** isn’t around!. Who’s he going to yell at!? Who’s referral is he going to sign!? Who’s he going to chase out of the cafeteria at 250 miles per hour!? Guess he better go return those brand new Nike shoes he purchased!. He didn’t even get a chance to chase me with them!.
As people were getting seated, a man in his twenties, settled in the seat next to me!. He flashed a smile as he sat down!. His dirty blonde hair was slightly covering his dark eyes!. He seemed like a nice guy!. His strong cologne filled my senses up quickly!. I was surprised women hadn’t chased him down the aisle!.
The flight attendants started to fill the aisles!. They did the whole mine thing, where they motion toward the exits and show everyone where the oxygen masks are located!. Sometimes I wish they would run out of oxygen and shut up, but that’s just me!. I plug in my headphones and fade into a deep sleep!. After I buckled my seat beatle, of course!.

* * *


I feel something poking me as I struggle to open my eyes!. I eventually open them and let the light in!. It was Cologne-Man!.
A flight attendant looked at my funny!. “What drink would you like, Miss!?” she asked me, putting her head in my face like a turkey!. She probably thought I didn’t hear her, which I did!.
“Alcohol!.!.!.!.” I mumbled, looking the other direction!.
“Excuse me!?”
“Cola!. Coca Cola, please!.” I looked down as she poured me a cup!. She handed it to me and moved down the two inch aisle!. What a difficult, difficult job she has!.
I looked out the window, the plane had reached a high altitude!. I drank my Cola and started to dig through my hand bag!. Chap-stick, cell phone without a SIM card, a tiny photo album, a tampon, a notebook and a blue pen!.
My mom took away my SIM card, worried that I might keep in touch with my friends at Stillet High School!.
According to my mom, they are worthless human beings!. I strongly disagree!. I pull out the notebook, and grab the pen!. I open the notebook up to the first page!. I stare at the college ruled lines
I being to draw a martini glass!. The ones that have the olive inside!. Right by it, I draw a marijuana leaf and a stupid looking cigarette!. I look at the three, focusing on them!. I wonder if Cologne-Man is eye balling my wonderful Picasso illustrations!.
I wrinkle my nose and I start to scribble on the martini glass, next the marijuana leaf and lastly the cigarette!. I scribble so hard that I rip through the page!.
I was angry, I was lost, I scribbled my heart out!. I started to cry!. It was then when I realized what an ******** I was!. What a daughter I was!.
Cologne-Man had his head back on his seat!. Wouldn’t surprise me if he passed out from the smell of his strong cologne!. His eyes were closed, and his lips seemed like they were smiling!. He didn’t seem like he had much on his mind!.
I would give anything to be him!. Anything!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
While I was reading, I felt more like I was reading through the events of someones day, than a book chapter!. I get nothing about the character, no emotion, no insight, just words and action!.

I can only speak for myself when I say, I feel nothing for the character!. There is more to writing that describing a sequence of events, something has to happen, or the events have to progress the story or characters!.

I see places where character development could occur, but nothing happens For example, you talk about school, but nothing really comes from that!. Why was she in trouble, why is she leaving, how does she feel!?!. You also talk about a man wearing cologne, is his character going anywhere!? Is there a reason we are introduced to him in such detail!?

Your chapter could be longer if you added more detail, character development and story!. Its a good start but needs a lot more work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Not a very long chapter!. My mother is an author!. I help her judge short story competitions once a year for something I'm not going to name! The most important thing I can express to a writer is "flow"!. The Reader should never get stuck on a word or phrase to try to make sense of it!. Once the reader is drawn into the story, nothing should make the reader pause (except maybe a really great analogy or metaphor that makes the reader say "that was awesome!")!. Your story had a really good flow!. All the dialogue was good!. You would be surprised at the people who can't write dialogue that is interesting!. I like the cologne man which brings me to characters that are three dimensional!. Not so much cologne man but your main character!. In a few paragraphs, I get her and I like her!. That's a talent, my dear!.
I enjoyed her walk to coach in the first paragraph!. When I travel, I refer to it as the "welfare march of shame to coach"!. So I enjoyed the owl remark!.
Your descriptions are good and they move to the next description perfectly!. You don't spend too much time on one thing!. Once again, it "flows" just right!.
The best thing I can tell you is that the end of the second chapter left me wanting to read more!. That's paramount for trying to sell a book!. Editors,Publishers and Agents only read three chapters and that's if you have drawn them in during chapter one and two!. So I think you are heading in the right direction!.
Good Luck!
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