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Question: How good is my opening in my book!? be brutal!!?
ok i started my story today and i just made a draft of my opening please rate and comment!.
Boston made his way out of the door of his house yelling to his mom that he had his lunch!. Boston was a thirteen year old 8th grader he is about 5’10 and still growing!. Boston remembered when he was in 6th grade the year he was 5’1 and had a high voice!. Now he was very tall, mature looking and had a pretty deep, gruff voice!. Everything was changing for him his height, voice, and he was even growing a moustache! His middle school years were the best years of his life and he was in his last year!. In 6th grade all he thought about was video games and he was quite plump!. Now he thought about girls all the time and had grown tall and pretty thin!. Over the years Boston became quite a class clown he was known for being one of the funniest guys in school!. Boston wasn’t in a clique really he was friends with every type ranging from skaters to Goths!. His best friends were just funny, smart guys!. They hung out made jokes and played video games often!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Considering you asked us to be brutal, I will be!. I won't just lie and tell you "Great job!" in search of thumbs-ups or points!.
Anyway, onto critiquing!.
1!. The first thing I noticed is that you make illegal POV switches, which really is a bad habit to get into!. At one point you're saying "Boston WAS a thirteen year old," then you're saying "He IS about 5'10!." You have to pick one or the other; either Boston IS a 13 year old and IS about 5'10, or Boston WAS a 13 year old and WAS about 5'10!.
2!. also, I would switch up your sentence structure a bit!. Not every sentence needs to begin with "He" or "Boston!." For example, instead of saying "Boston was a 13 year old, and was about 5'10 and still growing" you have the option to say "5'10 and still growing, Boston was only thirteen years old!."
3!. Remember proper punctuation!. Don't disregard commas, and watch out for run-on sentences!
4!. As the user above me said, don't treat your book as if it is an autobiography!. Each and every detail is not necessary, especially not in the beginning of your novel!. I would recommend beginning with some action!. What about a fight with his parents!? How about Boston performing one of his class clown bits!? Anything would work!.
I do like how your voice and personality comes through in this!. You can tell it's a more personal story!. Keep going with it!
E-mail me if you need any help editing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
There are two terms you should be familiar with:
1) Infodump
2)Show don't tell
This intro paragraph does both of these things in excess!.
Remember, people want to be drawn into your charater's life, not simply into descriptions!.
That being said you have a clear picture of your character!. Take that and make it more active!. Then you'll be golden!.
Either through interactions with others or your character's thoughts (either 1st person or 3rd person subjective)Www@QuestionHome@Com
alrightWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think it sounds really good!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
sounds great!! but you leave us hanging--what happened with the mom and the yelling!?! Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's all wrong!. It's way too didactic!.
It's not necessary at all to describe the physical appearance of a character, and launching right into it on the first page is a recipe for disaster!.
The opening of a book is a time when you're supposed to dump somebody into the action!. Nobody's going to pick up this book, read the first page and say "****! he's about 5'10", i have to buy this book!"
And it shows when you're writing an autobiography in disguise!. People want to read about unique experiences!. If you haven't had any, and can't imagine any, then until you do, writing is just an exercise!.Www@QuestionHome@Com