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Question: Tell me wat u think of this ch asap! WARNING-LONG!!!!?
Chapter 1
How come whenever someone dies, you still feel that closeness you feel before!? Its like their still there and that you can still talk to them!. But all you have left of them is the memories!. And how come when someone dies, thoughts race through your mind of all the things you could have said to them before they left!?
I had this strange feeling in the bottom of my stomach and an ache in my heart!. Something so fatal happened and I still can’t except the fact that my dad is dead and he’ll never come back!. I feel alone!. My mother is dead too so my brother had to take care of me!. I know he’ll be busy with his job so I wont see him often!.
I sat on the floor scrubbing the last trace of blood!. There wasn’t anyone else who could clean this up!. My brother is working in the factory so I had no choice!.
My father died the worst way a human being could die!. He didn’t only die, he suffered, which is much worse than dying!. The feeling of your heart stopping or catching your last breath is painless!. He had to suffer before he passed…by a demon!. Demons kill humans for their own enjoyment because they have nothing better to do!. They laugh at other’s pain !. And that same demon is still roaming through out the village probably finding someone else to kill!.
Once I finished scrubbing, I opened the door and ran outside towards the forest because I knew Rayne would be there!. He always walking around there!. It will be difficult to find him but I’ll try!.
“Rayne!” I yelled!. He didn’t show!. “Rayne!” I yelled again!. Just as I predicted, he materialized right in front of me!. His blood red eyes staring at me concerned!. His untidy jet black hair was everywhere, a few strands in his face, but he didn’t bother to wipe it out of his eyes!. He was only focusing on me!.
“Keely, what’s wrong!?” he asked gently!. My eyes watered at the sound of his smooth, gentle voice!. I hated crying in front of people!. I felt that I had to be strong and stand tall so I forced myself not to cry!.
“Rayne, my father-” I choked out!. I couldn’t say anything else because I knew if I finished that sentence, I would start to bawl!. Just by saying those three words, Rayne already knew!.
Uh oh, I could feel it!. That feeling in your chest and that huge throb in your throat!. The feeling you get when you’re about to cry!.
I fell down on my knees and sobbed!. Rayne gave me a firm, comforting hug!. He wouldn’t let go, and I didn’t want him too!. It felt like if he let me go, I would fall and break into a million pieces!. I know im being pathetic and reckless but I cant help it!. I loved him too much!.
I opened my eyes awakened by the speed bump!. I looked around the car and noticed everything was the way it was before I fell asleep!. My twelve year old step- brother, Tommy, was still reading his book, scrolling his eyes across the page reading each word!. My three year old step sister, Riley, was still snoozing, resting her little head on my shoulder!. And my eighteen year old step brother, Josh, was still jamming to some heavy metal crap on his iPod!. The music was so loud, it was piercing through the head phones so the whole family could hear!. The singer wasn’t singing!. but screaming the lyrics!. It’ll be a waste of time to tell him to turn it off or at least turn it down because he would never listen!. My mother just sighed, probably wishing she had earplugs handy!.
That was the strangest dream I ever had!. I wanted it to end because of the horrible feeling I had but at the same time, I didn’t want it to end because I was in Rayne’s arms!. Any guy is nothing compared to Rayne!. I felt comfortable when I was wrapped around him even though he was a complete stranger!. But in the dream, it felt as if I knew him all my life but I never seen him before!.
Rayne had black hair which looked silver in the moonlight!. It could have been natural or it just looked that way because of the moon’s radiance!. He was lean, but still muscular!. And had pale skin the color of the moonlight !. Most of my friends liked the whole tan-beach-boy look and they said I’ll see a ton of them in California!. But trust me, if they ever lay eyes on Rayne, that will change the way they think!. He is definitely a jaw dropper!. His soft pastel skin looked good on him, almost unnatural!. I couldn’t imagine any human being having such beautiful skin!. It was like he wasn’t human, he was something else!. And he wasn’t albino either because he had black hair!. His hair stood out because of his pasty skin In an unnatural way!. He didn’t even have a trace of imperfection on his skin, not even a mole or a zit! But his skin wasn’t the only thing unnatural about him!. His eyes!. I cant even put it into words, the way they looked!. There is no possible way to describe the color of his eyes!. Well, it was red, I can tell you that much!. But there is so much more to it!. I couldn’t stop staring at his beautiful eyes!. And to think such a person would wrap arms around me makes me want to jump out of my seat!.
“Keely!.”Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I'm going to answer this--so don't delete this question!
I know how hard it is to find someone to read, critique and revise your writing, so I'm going to take my time!.
And your story is one of the best I've read on Yahoo Answers (which isn't saying much!.!.but it IS good and has tons of potential!.) and worth the time (which I have a lot of, and I'm VERY bored!.)
EDIT!:
+ Don't EVER start out a story with "How come!." It sounds way too little-kiddish and !.!. unintelligent!. Not that you're unintelligent, but the character telling the story is!. Voice is everything when writing a 1st person fiction story!.
+ I'd change "How come whenever someone dies, you still feel that closeness you feel before!?"!. Since it's the first sentence, it needs to be powerful!. "Closeness" is sort of awkward and not very powerful!. "Why is it, that whenever you lose someone, you can still feel them with you!?" or something like that would be better!.
+ Punctuation is important, especially COMMAS!. "Its like their still there and that you can still talk to them!." should be "It's like they're still there, like you can still talk to them!."
+ Avoid cliche's (overused phrases) like "ache in my heart," "something caught my eye," "strange feeling in the bottom of my stomach," etc!.
+ INDENT Paragraphs!
+ Don't say that you'd never seen him before!.!.that's too hard to believe!. Maybe the narrator's been seeing him around her old town, new town, etc!? Or maybe he was an old family friend!?
I edited it (don't worry, I just changed the wording and stuff!.), you don't have to use it but I'm trying to write too, and so I've been editing as much as I can to get back in the habit of fictional-story-writing!.
Why is it, that whenever you lose someone, you can still feel them with you!? It's like they're still there, like you can still talk to them!. But all you're left with is memories!. And why is it that when someone dies, the things you DIDN'T say race through your mind, like (place metaphor here; "like sprinting cougars," etc)
My stomach was twisting and turning relentlessly, and there was a dull pain in my heart that never seemed to go away!.!. Something so horrific happened!.!.!.I still can’t accept that I will never see my dad again!.
I feel alone!.
My mom's gone too; I only have my brother, (name here!.)!. But he's going to leave me, too, soon!. I know he'll still be here with me, but with his job, I'll never see him!.
I sat on the floor scrubbing the last trace of blood!. There wasn’t anyone else who could clean this up!. My brother is working in the factory--I don't have a choice!.
My father died the worst way a human being could die!. There is so much that sets apart dying instantly, and dying slowly, suffering!. My dad died suffering!. The feeling of your heart stopping or catching your last breath is painless!. He had to suffer before he passed…by a demon!. Demons kill humans for pure, cruel enjoyment!. They laugh at other's pain!. This devil that killed my father is going to kill again, I know it!. In our own village!. I know it has to be true!.
Once I finished, I opened the door and ran outside towards the forest!. I knew Rayne would be there!. He always wandering around!. It will be difficult to find him but I’ll try!.
“Rayne!” I yelled!. Nobody came, nobody answered!. Like it always is now, I thought!. “Rayne!” I yelled again!. Not surprisingly, he materialized right in front of me!. His red eyes stared at me concerned, the deepest ruby color of the sunset!. His ruffled onyx black hair was everywhere, a few strands in his face!. He didn’t bother to wipe it out of his eyes!. He was only focusing on me!.
“Keely, what’s wrong!?” he asked gently!. My eyes watered at the sound of his voice, smooth and gentle!. I HATED crying in front of people!. I felt that I had to be strong and stand tall so I forced myself not to cry!.
“Rayne, my dad!.!.” I choked out!. I couldn’t say anything else without my tear ducts going into overdrive!. But with those three words, Rayne knew!.
God, I could feel it!. The feeling you get when you’re about to cry!. The second worst feeling in the world--after having seen one you loved, killed!.
I fell down on my knees and sobbed!. Rayne pulled me into his arms!. He wouldn’t let go, and I didn’t want him to!. It felt like if he let me go, I would fall and break into a million pieces!. I know I'm being pathetic and reckless, but I could't help it; I still can't!. I loved him too much!.
A speed bump jolted me out of unconsciousness!. I sleepily looked around the car, and noticed everything was the way it was before I fell asleep!. Tommy, my pre-teen step-brother, was still reading his book, scrolling his eyes across the page reading each word!. My three year old step sister, Riley, was still snoozing, resting her tiny head on my shoulder!. Josh, 18, was still jamming to some heavy metal crap on his iPod!. He's my step-brother too!. The music was insanely loud, piercing through the head phones so the whole family could hear!. There was no singer, but a screamer!. It’ll be a waste of time to tell him to turn it off, or at least turn it down because he would never listen!. My mother just sighed, and I could tell she was in desperate need of earplugs!.
To call it the strangest dream I've ever had would be an understatement!. I wanted it to end!.!.!.except for the feeling of Rayne's arms wrapped around me!. Any other guy I've liked is nothing compared to Rayne!. I felt comfortable when I was wrapped around him, even though he's almost a complete stranger!. But in the dream, it felt as if I knew him all my life, instead of a few months!.
Rayne's black hair had looked silver in the moonlight!. It could have been natural, or maybe it just looked that way from the moon’s radiance!. He was lean, but muscular!. His pale skin matched the moonlight perfectly, contrasting with his hair!. Most of my friends liked the whole tan-beach-boy look, they said I’ll see a ton of them in California!. But trust me, if they ever saw Rayne, that would change the way they thought!. He was breathtaking!. His soft pastel skin suited him, almost unnaturally!. I couldn’t imagine any human being having such beautiful skin!. It was like he wasn’t human!. His black hair ruled out the possibility of albinism!. There wasn't a trace of imperfection on his skin: no zits, moles, or wrinkles!. But his skin wasn’t the only thing unnatural about him!. His eyes!. It's impossible to put into words!. The most simple way to describe it would be to call it red!. But there is so much more to it!. It was as if there was an invisible magnetic force connecting my eyes to his!. And to think such a person would wrap arms around me makes me want to jump out of my seat!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry but to be honest I don't think you'll get an answer because no one is going to take the time to read all that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com