Okay I put this up on Bathroom Wall in Facebook a few months ago,
and I was wondering how my writing is!. It's just a short romance story (unfinished though, sry)!. This is it:
“Sorry!. I have to break up with you,” said Jerry!.
Just like that!. He hung up!.
Shocked, Kelly’s phone slid off her fingers!. She could not believe it!. He was the one who liked her before she even knew who he was!.!. He was the one who asked her out with a hundred red roses in front of the school!. He, the unknown computer geek, was the one who was able to transform into one of the most popular guys in the school because of her!. And now, just a little over two months of dating, he broke up with her!.
Signing in…
Abby says:
Hey girl sup!?!
Kelly says:
You wont believe this!. I just broke up with my bf!.
Abby says:
WHAT!?!?!! With JERRY!? Wha!.!. you’re jokin’ right!? why would he ever do that !? he was crazy about you!!
Kelly says:
I know!.!. Maybe there’s somethin wrong with me!.!. or maybe, maybe!.!. he has a new girl!.!.
Abby says:
Yeah right!. that cant happen! I’ll the punch the girl, if i ever see one hanging around him! UGH!
Signing out…
Kelly walked into her class the next day!. She looked around!. People were whispering, glancing at her time to time!. Some sniggered!. She blushed!.!. she sat down next to her friends, who asked her millions of questions she didn’t want to answer!.!.
Her heart was throbbing already!.!. until she saw Jerry, walk past her!. Her heart stopped for one moment!. He looked at her for a moment, then looked away, as if he didn’t care!.!.
The door opened and the teacher entered!. Behind him, the most gorgeous girl Kelly ever saw walked in!. Her long, beautiful dark brown hair and her sparkling green-blue eyes attracted everyone’s attention!. Kelly suddenly felt an uneasy jolt in her stomach as she looked over her ex…
“Hi everyone!. This is is Jennifer McDuff, and she will be here!.!. for how long!?” asked the teacher!.
Oh, just for a year or so!. Then we might be moving back to Chicago!.” said the new girl!.
Kelly still felt uneasy!. One whole year!?!? This was terrible!. Not only could she feel every guy’s eyes magnetized towards that Jennifer girl, but she had a uneasy feeling that Jerry was slipping away from her even more as she watched him stare at Jennifer with glazed eyes!.!.
Thump!. Someone just put a black, sassy bag next to her desk!. Kelly turned, and saw every eye drawn to the girl next to her… She looked up, and gasped!.
“Hey!. I guess I’m sitting next to you!. I’m Jennifer - the new girl!. What’s your name!?” said Jen, smiling brightly at Kelly!.
Kelly looked at the audience, and back at Jennifer!. “I… uh… my name is… uh!.!.!.” Kelly muttered, and just as she was about to say her name, the teacher said, “OK back to page 107!. Jen please take a seat and everyone turn to WWII!.!.!.”
At lunch time, Kelly sat gloomily, next to her friends!. She noticed Jennifer sitting alone at a table in front of her!. Feeling sorry for her, she thought about asking her to join, and walked to the table where Jen sat!.
“Hey Jen, I was thinking, do you want to!.!.!.”
“Jen! There you were! Haha!.!. can I sit here!?” Kelly’s ex slightly pushed Kelly away, and put his tray on the table!. Jen smiled at him and completely ignored Kelly!.
Kelly returned to her table resentfully!. Somehow on the way, she stepped on something slippery, and found herself fall back… and WHAM! Her food flew and fell on her face and all over her chest… and heard snigger and laughter!.!.
“Ohhh look at this!. THE famous Kelly!. She’s dabbed with ketchup all over her face now - is that her new makeover!? Hahahahah!.!.!.!.” She even thought she heard her ex-bf snigger!.
Idiots!.!. Kelly hated those immature freshmen guys gloating over her mistake!.!. ugh… All guys are the same… She thought as she picked herself up!.
“Hey, shut up! You dorks!. You all don’t know how to treat girls do you!?!” said someone, aggravated!. Everyone became quiet!. It was Jordan, the football team captain!.!.
He walked to Kelly and her mess, and held out something to her!.
“You OK!? Here’s some tissue if you need!.!.!.” said Jordan, gently handing her some tissue for Kelly’s face!.!. Kelly could feel the girls eyes glaring at her back!.!.
“Thanks!.” said Kelly, quickly taking the tissue!. She rushed to the girl’s bathroom, never wanting to see anyone again, especially her ex…
Okay,,,,, well that's just a little bit of my story!.!.!. but please critique professionally (pros, cons, what needs improvement)!. You see, I love writing but then I don't know how similar it is to real life in American schools!.!.(only lived in America like 1 year)!. So yeah!.!. basically plz answer these questions:
- Pros & Cons (several for each if you can)
- What needs improvement
- Was it interesting (rate from 1 - 10, 10 being the most interesting)
- Is it too unoriginal/typical!?
- Would it make a great story!? (Is it too corny!? lol) And,
- Would you read it if it was a novel!?
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