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Question: Be Truthful - Does This Suck So Far!?
Chapter 1 - New Beginning
"I hate this place!" Anthony Terkins murmured angrily to himself, as he plopped his ivory green bag onto his bed, shaking out his plump, fair arms for they were quite sore from carrying the bag up the big wooden stairs!. The dark tinted, wooden flooring creaked beneath his favourite pair of Nike sneakers as he lifted himself onto his bed!. Crossing his arms, he let out a big sigh of fury!. Anthony's big silver eyes gazed around the old, beige barren room which was now his own!. It’s been just barely one day, and Anthony hated living with his mother already!.
When Anthony was 5 years old, his parents had got into a huge quarrel and had gotten a divorce!. Ever since then, Anthony had always lived in his father's mansion with his father in New York!. The only time Anthony would see his mother would be when his mother would fly out to New York to visit Anthony!. Anthony's father never did let him fly out to Canada to visit his mother!. "He's only a child," His father would make up excuses to Anthony's mother, "He shouldn't be shipped back and forth like cargo"!. His father did not trust Anthony's mother to take care of him!. His father didn't believe that Anthony's mother would be a suitable parent and provide Anthony with all of his needs, for she didn't make as much money painting sceneries and selling them, as his father had working as a dentist in the local Dental office!.
When Anthony had turned 10 years old, everything had changed!. Anthony's father was diagnosed with Leukemia and was always at the hospital, whether it was for tests or for treatments!. "Shouldn't I tell mummy!?" Anthony would ask his father, who lay limp in the hospital bed, looking as white as a ghost, "Maybe she could help make you feel better!." Anthony's father would shake his head, sweep Anthony’s tiny hand into his own and tell Anthony "Its best we keep all of this between the two of us!. We wouldn't want your mother worrying about us, now would we!?" As it seemed, Anthony's dad wanted to keep Anthony by his side for as long as he could, and didn't want his ex wife to take Anthony away from him!. Anthony's life was turning into a hectic mess, as he sat by the sidelines, helplessly worried, watching his father get worse and worse as each month flew by!.
Four months after his father had been diagnosed, Anthony's mother had decided to pop by New York, just to see how Anthony was doing!. She had gotten so furious with Anthony's father, as he hadn't told her at all what was going on!. So Anthony's mother offered to take in Anthony until his father had gotten better!. His father knew he wasn't in any kind of condition to argue with Anthony's mother, so he accepted the offer!.
When his mother came to Anthony and told him that he was to come and live with her in Canada until his father was well again he threw an absolute fit, stomping his feet on the ground and waving his tiny knuckles in the air!. Anthony had lived with his father for five years, which seemed like to Anthony basically his whole life!. He didn't want to leave everything behind now!. But what choice did he have!? After all, he was only 10 years old!.
your truthful opinion!? I'm still not finished the first chapter!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I don't know how old you are, but this is actually a fair start!. You have some nice imagery your p!.o!.v!. is alright!. I have no idea where the story is going, but so far you are off to a decent start!.
There are some problems, though!. You need an editor!. Your sentences tend to run-on and your use of paragraphs is all wrong!. You need some help with the basics of composition, but that can be learned!.
If you want to be a writer, I would say you were on the right track, but you are a long way from the station!. Join a writing group and let others take out their red pens and have at your work!. You will be better for it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
There's way too much purple prose and it causes run-on sentences!. The description distracted me from the actaul plot!. also, you need to check for grammar!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
at some parts it seems like you are using unnatural words like "huge quarrel," but other than that it's a great story to tell!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!.!.!.I'm interested in knowing the actual plot!. You should keep going!Www@QuestionHome@Com
No, that does not suck!. That rocks! If this becomes a book, I am going to buy it! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Too much too read!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
try to edit yourself a little!. But it is great!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
pretty good!. i see the beginning of a good book!. And yes you do say Anthony's name a but too much!. I see many places where you could just put a "he" or "his"!. edit : you could also write stuff like "the furious boy" or something to replace anthony!. and you sentences dont run on or whatever another answer said!. its fine and im being truthful
i think it's very good!. keep the writing style the same k!? remember that cuz i always mess up with keeping my writing style the same throughout the book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
one tip: reading the name "Anthony" in every other sentence takes away from the effects of the story!.
second tip: especailly in the stage of setting up the story, try more showing and less telling!. Instead of blatantly telling us about Anthony's feelings, show it in actions!.!.!.give examples!.
third tip: the colors used in the first paragraph has no consistancy!. beige, silver, dark tint are not exactly the same tone!. It's descriptive, but there's no feel!.
fourth tip: forget what i said!.!.!.i'm no vonnegutWww@QuestionHome@Com
well here is what i have to say that is not true but nice!.:
yeahi t's awesome i loves it rocks so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and now is my honest answer which you micght not like!.
It sucks i don't like how it starts and there is WAYYYYYY to much desribing wayy to much i am also a writer and i got a good rewiew check out my questions its :ok so i am writing this story i just wanna know what do you think of this lines:!? check it out i am getting pretty good answers i don't like the chapters title "a new begining isn't very oringinal !.oh and btw i am only 12Www@QuestionHome@Com
If you're struggling on not repeating "Anthony", try replacing some of them with the word "he"!. If that's still a problem, see if the story works when writing in first person, so you won't have to keep repeating names!.
You're also trying to cram in too much backstory in the first chapter!. I quote from an article in Writer's Digest:
"'Prologues are usually a lazy way to give backstory chunks to the reader and can be handled with more finesse throughout the story!.!.!.'"
This isn't a prologue, but it sure feels like it!. So as another answerer said, sprinkle the backstory throughout the book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It doesn't suck, no!. However, I had a sensory overload trying to get through it!. You bombard the reader with too much information at once!. It's important to let the reader into the characters world, however, you sprinkle information throughout the entire story and not put it all in one chapter!. It slows down the read!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com