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Question: What do yout think of this story i wrote!?
is for my GCSE corsework for my exams

HERE IT IS


What happened that night!? Those questions I always ask myself, was It all for real!? There are man things unsolved, maybe they were best to keep behind closed doors!.

What was I thinking to get into investigating this murder!? It was one of those things that just happened without thinking about it I suppose!. It was 9am on a Tuesday morning and I visited the café to get a coffee to keep me awake for the morning!. It just seemed like a normal day!.

I guess I can’t complain I choose this job!. How hard I had to work to get here! It seemed like I was a slave being bossed around as a child to attend many different schools, I couldn’t care less about my job while I was growing up, my parents divorced when I was 13 and they never really recovered from it, it didn’t really effect me to be honest, you’ve just got to move on you know!. Maybe it toughened me up, there’s not much that can surprise me now

The investigation was a place just near London, a small village with no more then 200 people in it; basically it was in the middle of nowhere!. A few pubs, few houses and didn’t see one child while I was there, something just didn’t seem right, you know one of those things that seem odd, but at the same time there’s a job I got to do

It was 10pm in the middle of summer, and it was very humid weather, and is now starting to get dark, so I get into my car and head down, where the murder took place, at first sight the place didn’t look bad, A new well built house, nice garden didn’t seem rough at all, I knew nothing about the murder apart from a guy that was interviewed and proved to be innocent!. The victim well……… He didn’t even seem to exist before he was killed, on paper that is, he had no driver’s license, no ID and no birth certificate!.

So where was I……!.!. oh yeah, about 10 miles from the village and can see it’s starting to get dark now, as heading closer and closer towards the village, I noticed how people in this village act, like a circle, the same thing going over and over, like there were following a script in a film, anyway……!. I just ignored it and carried on!.

I had received at the house at about 11:15 and it’s pitch black now, it was just me alone, to be honest I was just there to find fingerprints or any evidence the killer has led!.
I enter the house for the first impact, it was complete silence, rat footsteps will be the sound of a plane crashing, I enter the living room, It seems like someone’s been living here, even though the murder took place a few day’s ago, I mean the TV’s still on shirts out on the drying line, and drinks of alcohol lying around on the floor!. Anyway I walk up the stairs enter one of the bedrooms,

BUT

THERE

I SAW

Dead bodies, charred bones, lying everywhere, blood covering the walls, I could here my teeth cluttering together, my legs like jelly, heartbeat pounding like a hammer against my chest!. I ran as fast as I could, ran downstairs, and in the corner of my eye, I saw man……!.!. he had blood all over him, streaked across his face, and in his eyes!.

I lost all fear, just stood dead still mind empty, just stared in the mirror, I felt compelled to help this man, a man who didn’t exist, I just stood there for 30 seconds

THEN

BANG

All fear just came screaming back to me, A second I was gone, I didn’t look back, just ran to my car and drove of!.


30 years has passed, I will always remember this as a life experience, I still think about it every day, but for one thing for sure every morning I wake up go into the bathroom and look in the mirror, the killer looks back!.

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Amazing man gives me creeps!.!.!.sheeshWww@QuestionHome@Com

Its really strong story with suspense and tension!. Good usew of fractured sentences and the question really got you thinking so you were gripped to see what would happen next!. I really enjoyed it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I thought it was great!. Really suspenseful!. I would post it on http://www!.chapteread!.com/ to get more feedback and advice!. It's a great writing site that I recommend!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's a good one mighty!.
Short but sharp!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Have you ever been taught to use full stop!? Punctuation very poor!. Too many 'ands' connecting ideas!. It gets annoying to read!. Too much telling and very little showing!.

This is a monologue!. Tense and timing all over the place - present, past and future!.

Part is written in second person narrative, very difficult to write well; you haven't managed it!. Some in third person!.

Where is the dialogue!? Some might bring it alive!.Www@QuestionHome@Com