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Question: Can you guys help me with something pleez!?
Well in my novel "Questions Left Un Answered" I have about 8 chappies done, I am trying to write a drama scene where Gregory (The 18 year old brother) just got in a 'forced' car crash, and his father died when the car blew up and Missy (His 16 year old sister) is barely alive, so here is the question (And by the way all of that happened in chappie 8) I need you guys to help me because he actually picks her up (After a car crash and he is in MAJOR pain) and is starting to carry her back to the hospital, it is raining out and she is barely alive!.

Can you give me some brief examples and maybe some advice on how to write this scene with out being 'too' cliche!?
Like I need you to help me figure out how to write a scene like this, like maybe some written examples!.!.!.
Thanks,Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Gregory slowly raised his head, pain shooting through his whole being!. he looked around at the rubble left from the wreck and all the air left him as he saw his father, lying too still to be alive just a few feet away from him!. He saw missy, and with all of his effort dragged himself over to her!. She was still breathing, but just barely!. Blood was dripping down her face and arm!. Gregory almost cried seeing his little sister like that!. She was too fragile for her own good, and he knew that she was in horrbile agony!. Her eyes were closed, she was unconscious!. He knew what he had to do, there was no choice!. he tried to rise to his feet, but pain surged up his leg and arms, causing to crumple to the ground!. Again, he tried to rise, thinking of is only family now; missy!. He had to save her, he had to carry her!. He had no phone on him, but there was hospital near by!. If he could just get to his feet!.
And at last, he succeeded! He limped the rest of the distance to his sister, and bendng down to her, heaved her onto his back!. She groaned a little as he started to stumble the long way to the hospital!. he tears built up in his eyes as he realized, he had just lost his father, his guidance in life!. But he fought agains tthe sorrow and pain!. He would deal with that later!. Right now, his one and only priority could only be and must be his sister!. He had to save her!.!.!.no matter the cost!.

Hope i helped, or at least gave you kind of an outline!. Oh well, i really tried!. Anyway, Hope I helped!
:)
~Drummerchick!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I can't tell you much, but please, find a new way to describe the way the blood was falling!. I can't tell you how many times I've been reading a book and the blood trickles!. It's the only very anyone ever uses for it and it's irritating!.


edit: write4inspiration - Yeah but you really wouldn't want to call the rain sweet over and over again!.
There are a lot of adjectives out there, you don't have to use the same repetitive ones!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

well!.!.!. you need to emphasize the following:
the rain making blood from his scalp drip into his eyes, making the whole thing even harder!.
the fact that she occasionally moans in pain, making him feel worse
his injuries slowing him down and making him weak
onsetting dizziness from blood loss
and the whole thing with the guilt from killing his father!. and almost killing his sister too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiWww@QuestionHome@Com

Try to describe the two like this
The small sweet rain droplets slid down her face slowly becoming red as it traveled!. The sweet rain soaked her clothes forcing them to cling skin tight to her!. He looked down on her his sour tears mixing with the sweet rain and falling onto her neck!. He tried to walk faster but he felt numb!. It was a mix between the coldness of the rain and his emotions!. His mind was making him crazy!. It would either think too much or shut down!. His legs felt stiff from his jeans shaping them because they were soaked!. His feet were also numb from all the sweet rain it was squishing between his toes in a rhythm reminding him stepping in squash!.
Something like that!. It was hard for me to do since there wasn't much information to work off!. You should add his thoughts in there of what just happened and their facial features id you can!. I couldn't cause I didn't know what they look like anyways!.!.!.
Hope I helped!!Www@QuestionHome@Com