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Question: This is just a little something I wrote in Math, what do you think!?
There's a time malfunction the last fifteen minutes of my day!. Everything slows to a crawl!. Well, people move normally but time slows to a crawl!. Fifteen minutes becomes fifteen months!. Steve puts his head on his desk and tries to drown out the teacher's squawking!. His back rises when he breathes, keeping tempo, marking time!. Sarah begins chewing her gum in progressively louder chomps!. Justin begins bouncing his knees!. Stephen taps his pencil on the desk!. All this happens simultaneously but can be observed individually!. In the time warp you can factor our all other things and focus intently on just one!. The teacher drones on about proving equations but you hone in on Sarah's gum chewing and that's all that exists in the universe!. Everything else fades to black, and for those fifteen month long minutes you are immortal!. Unless you have to pee!. Then it just takes forever!.
What do you think!? :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I loved it!. I love it when people take something so simple and make it funny and eloquent!. I can relate, too!. I know how it feels to have math at the end of the day!. Blech!. =(Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's fantastic!. Make sure you always have pen and paper handy, then you'll come up with some truly amazing and inspirational prose!. I always found boring college lectures were the best times to write down my thoughts and musings!.
Keep it up, keep your notes somewhere safe, and try to sign and date them too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow that was the coolest thing I have ever read, I love it soooooo much you NEED TO PUBLISH ITTTTTT, like WOW!!!!!!! I am serious submit it into a contest or something, it is both true and humoruous great job i love it!!! FIVE STARS!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice descriptions!. You have the makings of a good writer!. In a poll of 1 to 10 I would give you a 15!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is this like a journal entry or something sort of like it!? "fifteen month long minutes" favoriteWww@QuestionHome@Com
awesome!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
haha!. unless you gave to pee!. then it takes forever!. that's funny!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's pretty cool!. I like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's interesting, and I think I know what feeling you're trying to convey!. There's something almost magical about retreating into your own mind so much that time seems to stand still!.
With that in mind, remember that in a piece of writing like this it's important to keep the same viewpoint throughout!. You start in the first person (saying "my day") and by the end you have switched to a third person narration ("you hone in on Sarah")!. This has the effect of ruining the flow somewhat!.
also, I think it would be great if you spent a lot more time detailing every individual's actions!. Use similes and metaphors to give people a more personal sense of what you're experiencing ("Sarah begins chewing her gum in progressively louder chomps!. The sound echoes in my mind like wet sneakers on the floor of an empty gymnasium")!. Just choose something less lame than what I just wrote!.!.!.
Overall, I like the idea!. Very cool!.
EDIT: There's no need to be insulting, SparkleP!. I took the time to read what you wrote, and I tried to provide some subjective feedback!. It's only an opinion!. You don't have to agree with any of it, but it's just rude to make a blanket statement telling me I don't know what I'm talking about!. (And yes, you're certainly right about having used 2nd person as opposed to 3rd!. Sorry!.!.!. I was tired last night!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com