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Question: What do you think of the beiginning of my story!?
mkay no stealing please!
Im only 13 by the way!. Thanks! =]
The cold, metal ladder pricked my tough feet, and I could feel the adrenaline rush pulsing though my veins!. This is what I lived for!.
I took a deep breath and gracefully jumped off the diving board, in seconds, I could feel the freezing water on my skin, tightening my muscles!. When I surfaced the water I swam over to the edge and climbed out!. I was quickly greeted by my trainer, who hugged me and gave me an encouraging smile!. I knew that moment that I had nailed the jump, and the my score from the judges proved it!. This was my life, and I had no anticipation of quitting, until that night!.
“Wow honey! You did great today!” Said my mom, with a false excitement!. I knew something was up!. And it wasn’t good!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is very good!. I love your description of the metal ladder against your feet, and your muscles tightening against the cold!. Here are my suggestions:
1!. Get rid of your adverbs!. The rule is, if you're using an adverb, it's because you have the wrong verb!. So, instead of "gracefully jumped", try something stronger, or follow up "jumped" with more description (i!.e!., "!.!.!.jumped from the diving board, sending my body ramrod straight into the water below")!.
2!. I know this has to be short, but try to show instead of tell!. Show us your trainer's greeting, show us how you feel about the judges' scores, don't just tell us!.
3!. Don't telegraph the story to us by telling us that you had no anticipation of quitting, etc!. Let the story unfold!.
4!. When using dialog tags, "said" is the absolute best one, but I'm wondering if you should use an action instead, as in: "Wow, honey!.!.!." My mom smiled but her voice sounded flat!.

Keep going, this is good!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's alright!. I can tell you're proud of it, and that's good!.
Just a few grammatical errors and stuff that you could fix!.

Put a semicolon between "jumped off the diving board" and "in seconds" so it looks like: "and gracefully jumped off the diving board; in seconds, I could feel!.!.!."

Put a comma in this sentence so it reads "When I surfaced the water, I swam over the edge!."

Other than that, it's good!. Keep going with it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You have a lot of talent!! Great cliffhanger ending, amazing details (I really liked the line "I could feel the freezing water on my skin, tightening my muscles")!. There were a few things that could have been better (for example, at the beginning you say "This is what I lived for" and then at the end you say "This is my life!." And then "surfaced the water" could have been just "surfaced")!. But besides all that it was awesome! Keep writing, I really hope you finish it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it's awesome!.
I'm 13 too!. Well, almost 14!.
But there's no way I could write that!
I think you have a great talent!

:)Www@QuestionHome@Com

its great so far!
try using a different word than said!.
other than that, its great!
i cant believe youre only 13,
that was terrific!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

gr8t!. hey if u have finish da novel, can u plz send it 2 me!. i would really love 2 read it!. dis is my email secretofhil@yahoo!.com!. can't wait 2 read it!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's good, there are a few minor grammatical errors, and you did not actually say you dived, but I think it works here!. Great job!Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's pretty good, except eveything happens too fast!. try to drag it out some, put more details in, explain things a little more!. hope that helps!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think that it is pretty good!. You have a descriptive way of writing!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

its very good
i dont quite think its noval material tho
short story deffentlyWww@QuestionHome@Com

its very good i like it a lot so thanks for the recommendation to answer yoursWww@QuestionHome@Com

sounds like a great horror/ divorce start :DWww@QuestionHome@Com

okay I promise no stealing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think its really good!. I really want to know what happens!.!.!.!.so!.!.!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

its good Www@QuestionHome@Com

nice :D i write stories too :D and poems!.

i think my "memoir"s is wrong!.
IM 12 by the way ^^Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's good you do you write alot of stories!?

i write poemsWww@QuestionHome@Com