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Question: Is this any good, need an opinion!?
The moonlight in my eyes is just a vision!.
The wish in my heart is just a dream!.
The night was dark, and the dawn was dim!.
This song that I sing id in a heavy minor!.
When will my life change into a major key!?
My winter does not pass!. It lingers here forever!.
Mo summer, autumn, fall or even spring!.
When will I see the sun again!?
When will moonlight touch my skin!?
What will save me from this life!.
Her eyes!.
I died in her eyes!.
A blue so azure I drowned in her eyes!.
All my starlight
All my sunshine
All the rivers and pearls
All my heart - in those azure eyes!.
Everytime she cries - I die
Everytime she smiles - I gasp
Everytime she speaks - I can’t breathe
All my agony,
my glory,
my devotion,
my pain and my pleasure - is in those eyes!.
Like the dew on the roses!.
Like a swan on a lake, in the summer
Like the snow on the trees, in the winter
Like moondust on an angel’s wing!.
I don’t love her because she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful because I love her!.
All my pain,
my devotion,
my love
- the agony, o glory!
The stars in my sky
The sun in the East,
The moon in the West
Anything
Everything
- in her azure eyes!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow! You can write really well!. Have you ever thought of entering your poems into a contest!? They have all kinds of contests out there where you can win a lot of money for your poems, and I've known a lot of people who have won with poems that weren't as good as yours (and I'm not just saying this!.!.!.believe me, I'm the kind of person that would tell you if I thought your poem was crap!. But don't worry, it's not)
Oh, and I think I'd know if your poem was good, because I write a lot of poetry (although mine are mainly songs) and help people from my school and community write poetry as well!. Mine might not be as good as your though!.!.!.
I especially like "I don’t love her because she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful because I love her!." Very poetic!.!.!.of course, this IS a poem! :)
Good Job, and Good Luck with future writing!. If you write anything else, you can e-mail it to me at ffagurl92@yahoo!.com!. I really enjoyed reading your poem, and would love to read more!. also, I'll try to find those contests I was talking about, and post them on here for you!
xoxo always, JacyLynWww@QuestionHome@Com
You're pretty keen on this girl then!? :)
Its nice!. Quite dramatic but thats not necessarily a bad thing!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds like teen angst
market this to Highschool kids quickWww@QuestionHome@Com
IN A STATION OF THE METRO
The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough!.
-Ezra Pound
Says more in twenty words, than you have in a thousand!. Notice the absence of words such as "like", "was", "does", etc!. I'm afraid in this ADD-riddled world, the only way poets are going to survive is to return to a minimalist style!.
Notice also, Ezra's choice of words!. He selects words that are of vivid description in order to invoke an emotion!. Petals on a wet, black bough could have been rendered, "Closed flower petals on tree branch after a heavy rain!." Not very good though!. That doesn't invoke emotion, though it does essentially say the same thing!.
The moonlight in my eyes!? What emotion are you trying to invoke!? Have you actually ever studied the moonlight in its various shapes and shades!? Have you imagined it an eye staring down upon you, rather than you up at it!? Why would moonlight in your eyes invoke a sense of romanticism!? Lovers certainly don't say things like that to each other!. "Oh sweetie, the moonlight's in your eyes!." That's actually rather comical!.
Wish in my heart!? This invokes nothing but information!. It's useless!.
The night was dark!? Are we writing fiction here, or a poem!? Again, needless information that invokes nothing!.
You died in her eyes!? I hardly doubt it!. You wouldn't be writing this if you had!. It would have still been horrid and cliched if you had said, "Oh, that I could die in her eyes", but at least it would have invoked something!. Even if only a gale of laughter!.
In other words, this is just simply dreadful!. If you want to write poetry, begin with haiku's!. Learn to say much with very little!. And actually make a habit of studying nature if you intend to use it in your work!. Blend it with imagination, and buy a thesaurus!. Moonlight can be said in so many other ways!.Www@QuestionHome@Com