Question Home

Position:Home>Books & Authors> Is this a good start!? as a story?


Question: Is this a good start!!? as a story!?
The Dangerous Trip
Chapter 1
It was twenty years ago today, that Kyle and his three best friends, Phil, Chris, and Taylor!. Even though one was a girl-Taylor- they still all acted like boys, but this may be the last summer they do that!. It had been the year that Phil turned fifteen, Kyle was sixteen, Chirs and Taylor was also fifteen!. They live in a small town in Ohio, it was named Frankville!. This town during the summer was gorgeous but was very brutal in the winter months!.
It was Chirs who first thought of the idea, to explore the dangerous woods, but these weren’t your ordinary woods, this was a massive chunk were many people had gotten lost already!. He had said it would be a great experience before we all became sophomores!. Phil and Taylor quickly agreed, but Kyle argued the idea!. Finally everybody convinced him!. All of the kids told their parents they were staying at Kyle’s and Kyle said he would be at Phil’s!. They had no problem lying because they had done it before!.
At about noon on August 2, 1997, they boys, and girl all started the three mile trip to get to the woods!. Before hand they had packed a weeks work of food in one bag and three days of clothes!. When they arrived to the edge of the woods all of the children were frightened knowing that four people were found dead and about a dozen weren’t found at all!. Phil was the brave one and took the first step in, right after saying, “Here it goes, the last big thing we do before sophomore year!.” Taylor followed then Kyle and Chris!.
After being about one hundred yards in, and the exit vanishing nobody was scared, even Kyle wasn’t scared!. Then there was a loud screech and something moved very quickly in front of our faces, it was very blurry and caused all the kids to scream at the top of their lung!. Afterwards Kyle said, “What the hell was that!?”
Phil replied, “I don’t know, Taylor, do you!?”
Taylor answered, “No clue!.”
The kids ventured on but much more cautious wondering what that had been!. The group was silent for almost an hour just wondering around, they were scared to death someone, or something was going to jump out and kill them!. They decided at about two o’clock they were going to stop and eat a little bit!.
While eating his bologna sandwich Phil had asked, very randomly, “Kyle, truth or dare!?”
Kyle replied, “Not that stupid game, o well,” with a sign he said, “Truth!” Everyone called him a wimp for not saying dare!.
Phil coughed under his breath saying, “Wimp,” before asking the truth, “Have you ever kissed four girls in the same day!.” Phil hoped he would say no because that was Phil’s record!.
Kyle replied with a simple, “No, not yet at least!.” This made everybody laugh!. It was Kyle’s turn, he asked, “Taylor, truth or dare!?”
Taylor responded being the sport she is, “Dare!”
“Ok, kiss Phillip, with tongue!” Kyle demanded
Nobody really cared because they had dated before, but they still did it Phil and Taylor both enjoyed (still dating and all)!. Phil even complimented her, “Wow, you’ve gotten stronger!.”
Her response was, “I learned from the best!.”
The children played a couple of more rounds then decided to walk and explore more!. There exploring lead until six o’clock when they ate again!. Right afterwards they all went to bed, all anxious to see what tomorrow brings them!. Could it be more kissing, or more spooky things in the woods!.



Chapter 2
It was morning, eight o’clock, and everyone had just woken up after a long hard sleep with just mere small sleeping bags that don’t give much heat!. They all ate breakfast before getting up and on their way even deeper into the mysterious woods!. By this time it was brightly light in the woods!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Ok here is a list of corrections to make your story more grammatically correct, etc!.:
1!. It was twenty years ago today, that Kyle and his three best friends, Phil, Chris, and Taylor!. << the sentence doesn't make sense!. How about: It was twenty years ago today, that Kyle and his three best friends, Phil, Chris, and Taylor ventured into the woods!. !?

2!. Even though one was a girl-Taylor- they still all acted like boys, but this may be the last summer they do that!. << your tense is wrong, it should be past tense, not present!.

3!. !.!.!.but these weren’t your ordinary woods, this was a massive chunk were many people had gotten lost already!. << should read: but these weren’t your ordinary woods, they were a massive chunk where many people had gotten lost already!.

4!. He had said it would be a great experience before we all became sophomores << when did you become a character in the story!? Rather than 'we' it should be 'they'

5!. At about noon on August 2, 1997, they boys, and girl!.!.!. << 'the boys', not 'they boys'

6!. After being about one hundred yards in, and the exit vanishing nobody was scared, even Kyle wasn’t scared!. << repetition of 'scared', try a different word or say 'even Kyle wasn't!.'

7!. Then there was a loud screech and something moved very quickly in front of our faces, it was very blurry and caused all the kids to scream at the top of their lung!. << once again, you've mysteriously become a character: 'in front of our faces' should be 'in front of their faces'!. also, it's 'lungs' not lung!.

8!. The group was silent for almost an hour just wondering around, they were scared to death someone, or something was going to jump out and kill them!. << should be 'The group were silent for almost an hour just wandering around!.!.!.'

Amend these points and your story will read much better :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Even though one was a girl-Taylor- they still all acted like boys, but this may be the last summer they do that!.

Your tenses are wrong!.
It's okay!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You lost me when your first sentence wasn't even a complete sentence!. Sorry!. You're going to have to learn the basics of the english language before you'll be able to write stories that strangers will be interested in reading!. Try reading your work aloud before you show it to anyone else, to sort of hear how it's going to play out in someone else's mind!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Um, learn to complete your sentences and don't give too much detail!. I am a writer myself and sometimes make mistakes, so I do understand! Your passion always shows in your work and right now I don't see any or feel a connection between you and your story!. I would advice you to keep writing!. This story is not coming from the heart! Re phrase it and ask again! Good luck and Keep writing despite what others sayWww@QuestionHome@Com