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Question: I want some feedback on a Novel I am working on =]!?
I started writing four years ago when I was 10 and decided to actually start working on a Novel of my own, I want some positive feedback, please! =]

http://www!.writerscafe!.org/writing/Aaron!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think you do a really good job at setting tone and catching attention!. You caught mine!

But you definitely need to work on making your sentences better!. They get wordy and interfere with the flow of your good opening!.

"From the interior of the canyons to the plains in the North, everything is dwelling, waiting to unleash a power that has been tormenting and breaking loose for centuries!."

for some reason the word "dwelling" really glares bright and odd here!. Somewhat arbitrary, don't mind me!.

also, be careful about the "to be" verb!.
They were the ones who kept the village in order, letting no one in with an ID and criminal record and [seeing that no fights were broken out in town]
this could be They were the ones who maintained order in the village, blocked the gate for those without an ID and criminal record, and prevented fights from breaking out!.

I think that revised sentence is more powerful because it has stronger verbs!.

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Yeah, I agree with the first person!. Oh, dear!.

I think the problem is you know the feeling you want to convey but don't know what you're actually writing!.

You're trying too hard with the adjectives and the metaphors!.

When you do that, the story becomes convoluted!.

Write it plain simple language first, then add a few adjectives to emphasize!. Don't overdo it!.

Less is more!.

You want to grab your reader's attention, not show them you know how to use a thesaurus!.

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First of all, you write very well! With all of your descriptive prose, I'm sure people will be drawn in from the beginning!.
Try not to use the same word twice in a small space (such as 'skeletal')!. also, try punctuating your dialogue this way:

"I want to come with you," she said!. (Instead of)
"I want to come with you!." She said!. It flows a bit better!.

Good luck! =)Www@QuestionHome@Com

It has moments when it is confusing and others where you get a bit wordy, but overall I liked it!. I especially liked how you ended the chapter with a hook!. I certainly want to know more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

very confusing
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very ominous! i like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Oh, dear!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

thats really good
keep on writingWww@QuestionHome@Com