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Question: Critique VERY short story!?
Hell, this isn't even a story!. It's more along the lines of word vomit!.!.!.

The sky is infinite, but my wings will fill the expanse!.
One day, the sky will be my home!. I’ll escape this world of black and enter one of white!. There will be nothing left for me here, my life will be spent- I will surrender it for another!. A life beyond the atmosphere, close to Heaven, is the one I dream of!. With wings of white, I’ll ascend to God, never fearing my fall to Earth!. I will never come down, I will not grow tired!. No matter what I have to relinquish, nothing can compare to the feathers that emerge from my back and lift me to heights you will never know!. These wings will be my pride and the sky will be mine!. The clouds will part and the birds will bow!. I’ll touch the newborn drops of rain and harmonize with the thunder’s baritone!. The Earth below me will appear beautiful from this far off distance, and I won’t care to look closer!. It will be insignificant compared to the blue and white that wraps itself around me!.
I’ll fly through it forever!.

This is a bit choppy, and I would like some advice!. What should I add or change!? also, what do you think would be a good title!?Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
If you really think this is 'word vomit,' you need to start again with a different outlook, don't you think!?

As for what I think, it's an okay paragraph, though a bit trite on calling one place a 'world of black' and another 'white'!.!.!.

!.!.!.and I must say I was taken aback by the phrase '!.!.!.the feathers that emerge from my back and lift me to heights you will never know!.' --because unless this is a private missive for someone in particular, you don't know your readers, and when you presume the reader will 'never know' these 'heights,' you are making possibly very insulting assumptions!.
See!?

As for 'choppy,' etc!.-- if this is what you've done without any revising, of course it needs work!. Nearly all writing needs to be gone through for revisions a few times, even a paragraph!.!.!. even an answer at this site!.

ADD: Oh, a title!. Suggest you pick that after you're through writing the piece!. All I get from it now are too often used, like: Flight, Eternity, Wings (very familiar, eh!?), Another, stuff like that!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com