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Question: First chapter of my book!!!!!!!! (tell me what you think)!?
BEFORE YOU READ: THE MAIN CHARECTER (CORRINE) USED TO BE INTO DRUGS AND ALCHOHAL!. JUST GIVING YOU A HEADS UP!.
for the first time, after 17 years, my mom was acting like a mother!. she always threatend me with words and statements!. Shes never really took actions, she just said things, gave me the "dont-do-it-again" glare and ask me to go to my room!. how is going to your room a decent punishment!? considering the fact that I live in my room!.
well now, shes beyond sending me to my room, shes sending me to new jersey!. I much, much more perfer my room!.
the sanfransico airport would qualify for a zoo!. all they need are some trees!. perhaps this is the only thing i dont like about this city!.
my flight was at 3:45!. i had an hour or so left in california!.
my mom decided that it would a good idea to eat something before i get on the plane!.
we stand in the "wendys" line!. the smell of cheese lingers in the air!.
"I'll have a salad and some water!." my mom said as she squinted her eyes to get a closer look at the menu!. its so amusing how resturants make their food look so good on their menus, but when they set it in front of you, its a ****-burger!.
"corrine, honey, what would you like!?" my mom turned to face me!.
"a time machine!." I muttered!. my mom took that as in "i-want-a-salad"!. she ordered me a salad!.
we sat down!.
"corrine, you need to grow up!." my mom looked concerned!.
"you have been telling me to grow up every year!. shockingly, i HAVE been growing up, you just have a vision of my childhood stuck in your mind!."
"i want you to know that i dont regret sending you to jersey!. there are some choices that are nesaccery to make, corrine!."
"might as well send me to mars, because i dont see how a different state is going to change me, mom!."
my mom sips on her water!.
we finish our salads, and make our way towards the hell gate!. (gate 43)
my mom breaks down!. if there is one thing i hate in this world, is to see my moms tears!. i hug her!.
sometimes i wish i could just track down my dad, kill him!. for leaving my mom!. no wonder all her attention is focused on my ***!.
i cry, she crys!. she runs her hand through my dark brown hair!. kisses my forhead!.
"mom, i will be okay!." i cant recall the amount of times where i have told my mom that i will be okay, and ended up "not" being so okay!.
i let go of her!.
whenever i look at my mom, i see me!. we look so much alike!. expect she makes better choices in life and i dont!.
i feel a tear run down my cheek as i walk onto the plane!.
i want change!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
that was really good! at first i was like ughh i dont feel like reading all of this and then i read the first couple lines and iw as like geesh why didnt she write more!? keep up the good work! i'll be looking for it:]Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really liked it!. Just a wondering mind here but will it be a romance!? I like them I dont know why!? Just wondering!. I like the drug and alcohol bit!. I hope it works out Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like your writing style! You have some spelling and grammar issues, but that could be solved by getting a good editor!. What happens next!?! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
You shouldn't put it online, someone might steal it!.
It' nice, though, interesting!. It'd make a good YA to adult novel!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You need a copy editor!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
OH MY FUDGEIN GOD
tell me the title and author ASAP!
i LUVZ it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it!. You should post this on www!.chapteread!.com!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have so many errors in what you've written that I could not even begin to give you help!. I don't know what your writing aspirations are, but, if you are dreaming of becoming a published author, you must improve your writing!. For a manuscript to be marketable, it must be well written (grammatically correct, correctly spelled, punctuated properly)!. Here on Answers, the majority who respond to your question will simply tell you that what you've written is wonderful when, in fact, to be acceptable for publication, it must be entirely rewritten!. Consider that you are merely practicing with what you've written; if you can not edit it yourself, find a qualified person to assist you with the rewrite!. Once you've perfected the basics, have someone critique the content!. In order for a book to be marketable (if that is your goal), it needs to be well written, and its subject matter must be relevant!. I am guessing that you are very young; you just need practice, education, and experience!. If writing is your dream, then continue it; with experience you will become more proficient!. If you are simply writing for your own amusement or that of your friends, then perfection is unnecessary!. Good luck, whatever your goal!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree with Azamee!. You seriously need someone to go over and edit all the mistakes in there!.
I can tolerate typos to an extent, but when the errors are so blatant, they are annoying and distracts me from the story!.
It has potential to be a good story but you really need to address those issues!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
that was really good!.
i liked the imagery
and i really like teen books!.
i hope its a romance, but if its not i'd still read it!.
some minor errors, not much to fret over!.
it was wonderful
please read mine!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
well, its pretty good, but you have a lot of grammar and tenses issues!. you started off in 3rd with "my mom WAS acting like a mother" then you slipped into 2nd "WE STAND in the wendy's line" which you cant do!. for the grammar, like "Shes never really took actions" i suggest first typing on something like microsoft word, or another writng program on your computer!.
another thing, your sentances are too short and choppy, but a little more detail and SHOW us how much san fransico airport is a zoo!.
and you need to start sentances with capital letters
and its not very interesting!. you started off strong and it made us want to know more about her mother, so maybe start with her mom and her getting into a fight, screaming about how horrible a thing it was that she did (but dont tell us yet, make it a flash-back later) then the next morning, mom saying that she is sending girl to Jersey, and both of them yelling again!.
then, you need a strong epiphany about how she has to turn her life around and a promise to herself that she'll change for the better
i saw ur other post and i think its an interesting plot, but you need to work on you writing more!.
hope i helped, good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com