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Question: How Do You like My Story!?!? !?
Ok I need your opinion!. Please tell me what you would change and anything you suggest!.


Title: Hurtful Love (romance, drama) This is a school project!. :
By: Ami C!.
Age: 12 ?

Chapter 1: Memories

“Jenny! Jenny, wait! Please! Baby!” he stormed off after her!.
“What do you want, Jim!? You’ve treated me like crap for a year now and I’m through!” she replied with a narrow face!.

“Just gimme one more chance!”
“Why!? So you can beat me!? So you can curse me in front of my parents!? It’s not ok! Do you not understand WHY I don’t like this!? It’s embarrassing!” she yelled!. He grabbed her by the wrist!.
“LET ME GO!” she screamed!.
“No! Not until you say Sorry!” he barked!. She broke into tears!. She knew what had to be done!.
“I’m not sorry for the way you beat me! All of these bruises are from you, Jim, you! It’s not from my dog, or falling down the stairs! Aren’t you tired of lying to everyone!?! Our relationship is not normal!” she hissed and tried to break loose from his grasp!.
“NORMAL!? YOU DON’T THINK I’M NORMAL!? WHAT THE HECK JENNY!? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!” sobbing now!.
“I did love you, but…”

And that's all im writing for now! so what do you think!? what should i change!?
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Lose all the upper case words!. Lose the exclamation marks!. Trust the reader to know the words are exclaimed by the way you have written them and the context!. Use a space between lines of dialogue!. Hand it in to your teacher double spaced!. For example:

"Why!? So you can beat me again, so you can curse me in front of my parents!? You really don't understand, do you!? I am embarrassed by this relationship,” she hissed between clenched teeth!.

He grabbed her by the wrist, yanked her toward him!.

“Let me go,” she screamed, the now familiar feelings of panic and fear giving her voice unusual energy!.

“No, not until you say sorry,” he yelled, his face inches from hers!.

The tears streamed down her cheeks!. She pulled her arm in an attempt to break free but couldn't; his strength was too great!. “You're the one who should say sorry, not me!. For all the times you beat me!. See these bruises," she pulled her jumper down at her throat with her free hand, "these are from you, Jim!. I'm tired of lying to everyone about them!. They are not from my dog, or falling down the stairs!." His grip tightened even more and anger radiated from him!. She knew she shouldn't say more but by now she had come too far!. "You are not normal,” she threw at him, knowing this truth would sink deep into his heart!.

His eyes widened in genuine surprise and he released his grip!. "You think I'm abnormal!?" His words caught in his throat!. "You said you loved me," he sobbed, broken now!.

She resisted the urge to embrace him, comfort him, as she had done so often before !.!.!.

Hope this helps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

"With a narrow face!." is kind of odd!. People cannot widen or narrow their faces at will!.

The subject matter seems a little over your head and it shows!.

Try to pick a subject closer to your age bracket!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it's okay!. There are some things that you could edit or change, but the real thing is that you aren't nailing the emotion down correctly!. If you're twelve and a half and writing about an abusive relationship, it's very hard to capture because you have (hopefully) never been in one, or been in a real relationship at all!. You can't identify what it feels like and therefore can't write it down!. You're a good writer, though, so keep it up and maybe write about something you know better!. Good luck! Oh and also, if you're going to keep up with this, you're going to want a lot more expletives!. Generally people start swearing when they're mad :)Www@QuestionHome@Com