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Question: How's my story so far!?
The Dragon Savior

I was running as fast as my thin, weak legs could carry me!. I turned around for a moment, just to get a better look at the enormous creature behind me!. A fierce dragon was flying and snapping its teeth a few inches away from me!. Its beautiful features were impossible to describe!. The intense deep blue eyes, the dark navy scales on its back!. It had to be at least 30 feet, maybe even 40!. It was hard to tell, when you were about to die!. Its eyes were like nothing I’ve seen before!. It was as though the beautiful dragon was trying to tell me that it was crying for help, and being forced to attack me at the same time!. It did not seem evil to me!. And even though I was facing death, I could not help but feel great pity for the creature!. I felt its warm breath getting closer to my legs every second!. Turning around, I stumbled on a sharp rock!. I felt my knees getting warm, as the blood dripped down my ripped jeans!. The dragon flew closer, and closer!. I closed my eyes and waited!. Waited, for my death!. For all of it to be over!. The pain, the fear!. Maybe this time I thought to myself!. Hearing a booming shriek from the enormous creature, I screamed at the top of my lungs!. It would all be over I promised myself unsuccessfully!. Still screaming, I opened my eyes to see how close my death was!. But all I saw was a bright light shining through my open window!.

It blinded me, and I pulled the covers over my head!. I heard my door squeak open, as my mom examined the room!. I sat up, and took the covers off of my face!. I stared at her for a moment, and she stared back!. As quickly as she came, she left!. What did I expect!? After all, she wouldn’t have mentioned my horrifying screams because they have been going on for over a year now!. I have gone through four therapists and they all said the same thing “nothing unusual, she’s only 14, it will pass when she gets older”!. Easy for them to say I thought to myself!. Try going through terrible dreams every night!. In fact, it was the exact same dream each time!. A dragon chasing me down, about to kill me, and just as its about to dig in to my flesh I wake up, hearing my horrifying cries for help!. Not only did it affect me, but my parents have also had sleepless nights for the past year!.

“Emma, get up! You’ll be late for school!” my mom yelled from the kitchen, distracting all of my horrifying thoughts!.

“Coming!” I yelled back, and pushed my legs away from the bed!. I dressed in the usual - jeans, and a plain t-shirt!. For once, I tried to style my hair!. It just turned out even messier!. Oh, like it makes a difference I thought, rolling my eyes at myself!. I stumbled sleepily downstairs!. Even though they tried not to show it, I could see it in my parent’s eyes – they were exhausted!. Grabbing a blueberry waffle, I stared at the clock!. 8:05!.

“I’m gonna be late for school” I mumbled, and gulped down the waffle with a huge sip of milk!. I grabbed my backpack, and almost ran outside!. I stepped out on the porch and inhaled deeply, the abrupt smell of pine needles and wilting flowers lingered in my nostrils!. Another bright, sunny day in Bakersfield, California I groaned!.


P!.S!. Comments and critiziment appreciated!
I am 13, in grade 8!. So please critize for my age level!. Thanks! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow, this is fabulous! I was drawn into the story from the very first line!. I love your writing style!. It's easy to read and it flows well!. I can't believe you're only 13!. You're very talented!. You have a great imagination and you know how to spike your reader's interest and leave them wanting more!. I liked it so much I'm hungry for more!. Keep writing, you're a natural!. Good luck! :o)Www@QuestionHome@Com

So far it sounds pretty good!.Better than a lot of kids at my school,but I think you should make the sentences longer,and maybe not start as many sentences with "It" , "I" or "And"!.I see a lot of good description,and that always helps!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow!. Gr8 visualization!. I love it!. You could start with a prolauge though!. You know explaining the first time she had the dream!.!.!.!.!.!.!.I would love to read more!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

that was pretty good!. =]!. especially for being 13!. i would work on the first sentence!. kinda!.!.!.plain and idk!. ok yeah!. good luck!. that made me thirsty for milk!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

13 and you write like this! Wow! You are good! There is a bright future ahead of you!Www@QuestionHome@Com

it sounds good, but it would be helpful if you explained what your assignment wasWww@QuestionHome@Com

It's good so far!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

omg that's so amazing i'm jealousWww@QuestionHome@Com

you
have
talent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

For your age I say I'd like to read what happens!. I can be your editor!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

awesome your super good
Www@QuestionHome@Com

I liked it!! but im not going to just give u praise just because your 13!! :)

but in the begining!.!.!.im not exactley critisizing this but it says my thin, weak legs!.!.!.well I think you should use some more "upper" level vocab!.!.!.like instead of saying thin I would have used something simular like frail!.

also, the part about being late for school is a little repetitve !.!.!.like her mom said "your going to be late for school, get up" and then she mumbled "i'm going to be late for school"!. I wouldn't have added the same line twice!.

Last!.!.!.I was a little confused in the begining whe it says!.!.!.The intense deep blue eyes, the dark navy scales on its back!. It had to be at least 30 feet, maybe even 40!. It was hard to tell, when you were about to die!."
I didnt know what you were talking about when you said it had to be at least 30 feet, maybe even 40!. It was hard to tell when you were about to die!.!.!.im confused by that!.!.!.maybe try to clarify that or maybe even take it out!.!.!.I think u used that to portray her fear for the dragon, but i think u have demonstrated that well already!.!.!.i dont really think that part is nessesary!.

Other than that!.!.!.IT WAS AWESOME!
VERY nice work for a 13 year old! (im 14 :D)
i want to read more!!!
keep writing!
oh and i like your title too!


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thats really really good!. the only thing i have to say is- i wouldnt put ur story on here because u never know who will come along and steal it and use it to make their own adn finish it and then get it published!.

thast all i have to sayWww@QuestionHome@Com

It good but you may want to consider a more intellectual opening!. I am a 14 year old author to and I know it sounds weird adventurous opening are kind dull because they overwhelm the reader!. It really is good though keep writing!. Maybe try alternate beginnings!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

whoa, do you have myspace!?

add me up!

i need help for my story!.

my myspace url is www!.myspace!.com/lylelilly

and i love how your story is going on!.
it rocks!. especially when you're thirteen!. i m thirteen but i haven't written anything like that!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com