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Question: What do you think about my first paragraph !? Do you want to read more or does it bore you to sleep!?
I stood there, on the side of the red carpet, just behind the railings, as I watched him pose for the paparazzi!. He smiled softly at them while his fingers were hooked onto the pockets of his jeans!. His eyes were beautiful and hypnotic; they were the colour of a deep green set forest where you could drown and never resurface!. His face was very angular and masculine with each separate feature distinct and sized up to the right proportion!. His jet black hair was utterly untidy, and flew wildly with the wind – it was beautiful!. I guess he was one of those people who could pull up the messy hair look with such innocence and grace!. It was not hard to believe that every girl would kill just to go on a date with him, but with the exception of me of course!. Sure, he was a pretty face!. He had fame and fortune!. But I did not think anything much of him!. In simple words, I thought he was an overrated musician!. He was exaggerated to be the whole package of what makes the perfect guy!. But really, all he looked like to me was a snob- a womanizing abusing snob!. I rolled my eyes as he continued to walk on the red carpet, smiling at all the fan girls who screamed their hearts out to him when he suddenly looked at me!.

So yeah would you wanna read more!? Or do you think it's just boring and typical and headed to nowhere!. Any comments would be aprreciated!

Thanks in advance!

*p!.s I know it may be full of typos, grammatical errors and bad sentence structures even!? But yeah, it's just something rough i put together!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I wouldn't exactly call it exciting!.

Readers today are looking for verbs and action, not tons and tons of description!. Just look at Harry Potter! It's incredibly popular, yet never once did J!.K!. Rowling describe Hogwarts castle with long descriptions!. Really, if you cut out unnecessary adjectives, unnecessary phrases, and boring verbs, it would be much better!.

For example, take the first 2 lines: "I stood there, on the side of the red carpet, just behind the railings, as I watched him pose for the paparazzi!. He smiled softly at them while his fingers were hooked onto the pockets of his jeans!."

Now, aren't "stood" and "watched" boring verbs!? Yawn! But then, we get to hear all about where you're standing!. So!? I want to know how you are standing, not descriptions of where!

This might work better: "Stationed behind the railings, I gaped as he sauntered down the red carpet!. A smile played across his lips, and his fingers hooked casually onto the pockets of his jeans!."

See what I mean!? It's much better with exciting verbs and adjectives used like seasoning on food; too much seasoning ruins the food, too little is boring, just the right amount makes it come alive!.

Here's a great list of verbs to replace the regular, everyday ones: http://www!.deannacarlyle!.com/articles/ve!.!.!.

And by the way, don't take my constructive criticism the wrong way!. I can see you have talent, and you could take it so far with just a few simple changes!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really don't understand how the main character concludes that the celebrity is a womanizer, just from the way he looks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Im intrigued, there is lots of description but if your good enough you can pull it off!. Look at Stephen King!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love it, but you might want to than a add a few more details about when he looks in your eyes!. That way readers will want to know more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's really good
does get kinda boring at points
because there is a lot of description
=]Www@QuestionHome@Com

its ok!.!.!.i might read it, though its only one paragraph so its hard to tell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you write really well!. One issue I have is that the second half of the paragraph doesn't really follow on from the first!. In the first half, through your description of the guy, you create the sense that that narrator is completely hypnotised by his physical appearance!. But then you say "I did not think anything much of him"!.!.!.it doesnt seem believable that someone would dismiss someone they've spent ages looking at!.

You also need a bit less of an author voice and more of a character voice!. Make me feel like I have a living, breathing person telling me their story!. If it helps, write a few paragraphs on this person (what their parents did, what their favourite colour is, what they did last weekend)!.!.!.it just makes everything more believable and rich in detail!.Www@QuestionHome@Com