Position:Home>Books & Authors> Story im WriTing, PLeaSe rEad!!! 10 points 4 best answer!!!?

It's really very good - but read it out loud to yourself to pick up the few errors such as your instead of you - talk instead of speak etc
also fix your capitalization and perhaps change spelling of Dameian to Damian Www@QuestionHome@Com

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That is a really good! It makes me wanna read the whole story, just make sure you capitalize what needs to be capitalized,other than that its great!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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it's good but it seems like!.
he said
she exclaimed!.!.!.!.!. SHOW not tellWww@QuestionHome@Com

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its good, but justthat part is some what hard to followWww@QuestionHome@Com

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You read Twilight, didn't you!? You're copying Stephenie Meyer's writing style, which, believe it or not, is not that well-accepted by the literature world!. Try to describe delicately, let the reader have some room to picture things without you spelling it our for them; "baby blue t-shirt and a dark pair of jeans with baby blue flip flops!." We don't need you to tell us all this!. We just need "blue t-shirt and jeans," "t-shirt and jeans," or just "on an outfit!." The point is, don't over-describe; that's a classic SMeyer mistake!. Get the vital information and add where necessary, don't fluff everything up and forget the bones of the story!. You see, I read this page, I don't even know the narrator's name, and this is in first-person!. Yet, I do know what she is wearing in detail!. Which is more important to the story!? Name, right!. (I know I may get several thumbs down for this comment, but it's true and very important!. I am not trying to insult, I promise, but I won't have you lied to!.)
Proper capitalization and punctuation would help as well!. Are your characters properly developed!? See that they are so that you don't stumble and struggle later!. (Check out this site to help: http://www!.geocities!.com/poetess47/100qu!.!.!. !.)
Other than this, I think the story itself sounds pretty interesting!. Make sure you avoid cliches in your writing (ex!. tomato red, ice cold) and story (ex!. boy meets girl, fall in love, complications ensue), and make the story original!. It's pretty good and you should continue, if only for practice or what not!.
Good luck!

Edit: I didn't say your story was like Twilight, but your writing mimics that of Stephenie Meyer!. Your story may be something totally original, but your writing is not!. Don't be offended, I told you I meant no offense at all; I'm just pointing out what I see and what will be obvious to a lot of people who read your writing!. Find your own voice!.
Or were you talking to gorgeous_harvardgirl!? That makes more sense!. We don't even know your plot, so I don't know what gorgeous_harvardgirl is talking about!. How can we judge something we don't know about!? We can't!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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This plot seems eerily similar to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight!.(all with the concept of the protagonist having two guys in love with her, etc!.) But that's just my opinion!.

Now, about your story, it looks like it can go somewhere, but you can work on your capitalization and punctuation; and try not to overemphasize every little detail!. It's good to be descriptive, but not too descriptive!. And make sure that your characters have a realistic trait that most of the readers can tolerate and relate to!.

All in all, this sounds pretty good to me! Keep up the good work

EDIT: To Just Kelsey (For President), I wasn't trying to point out the fact that I DON'T know the plot, I was just pointing out that it SOUNDS similar to the plot!. I've never said anything about knowing the plot at all!. BTW, the asker posted that way before I posted my opinion ^^; (sorry, typo)Www@QuestionHome@Com

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It's alright; I know it's not the beginning or anything, but you could maybe give us a better idea of who these people are, what the setting is and what's happened up 'till this point!.
I liked it all up until:

"Fine, if you hurt her in anyway, im gonna hunt you down and kill you!." Henry said in a furious tone!.
"Okay, i will respect your in the matter!." Dameian said very quietly so i could barely hear him!.
"One more thing, don't kiss her!." Henry said boldly
"Promise!."
"Alright, go get ready!." Henry said in a softer tone!.
"Okay!." Dameian said scooting the chair out!. I ran into my room to pick out an outfit while my mind was racing!. i was happy my brother took care of me, but kind of afraid because i dont want him telling all my boyfriends he'd kill them!. i finally settled for a baby blue t-shirt and a dark pair of jeans with baby blue flip flops!.

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'I'm going to hunt you down and kill you' is far too unmanly and far from serious, so you might want to say something a but more mysterious and threatening - Or just leave it, because you don't want him to sound TOO over protected!. If he were, then we'd be wondering 'why is this guy even still interested in her with such an over protective brother!?' and why would her brother care THAT much, too!?
You also don't need to say 'baby blue t-shirt and a dark pair of jeans with baby blue flip flops!.'
You should much rather say:

'So, after my mind was settled back on track, I decided on a casual t-shirt which I figured brought out my light eyes (if her eyes are blue) and the old blue jeans which had been a bit ripped from previous summer!. I checked my hair, added a pleasing smile to my face, slipped on the new flip-flops I'd bought with some of my birthday money, and headed back down the stairs!. This was only the beginning!.'

Or something like that, you know!? Go into detail - Tell the reader more about the character in a personal way!.
And don't just go and add all of her detail at once, gradually add it into the story when the time is right!.

Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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This is actually very good for the beginning!. I love writing and write A LOT of stories!. I recommend writing maybe a prologue so that the readers know what happened before the start of the story!. I think Henry met his sister recently but I don't know, so it would make sense if you made a prologue if you think it's a good idea!. Make the prologue interesting so it makes the readers want to read more of the story!. If it gets boring in parts, it will make the reader want to stop reading!. This is a site where you can make a profile and put your story on it for thousands of people to read!. I've made a few stories on it and who knows!? If people like your story, maybe you'll get into the top 30 profiles! Here it is:
http://www!.buddy4u!.com
Check it out!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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umm!.!.!.!.!. I liked it!. But, it does need a little work!. It kinda seems!.!.!.!.!.!. over dramatic with the "hunt you down and kill you" but hey, I don't know how Dameian is!. Maybe he's so bad that that's why Henry said that!. also, I don't think it's normal for someone to act that way if their brother threatened their would-be boyfriend!.!.!.!. But, again, idk what the characters are like cause thats just a little part but I think it's pretty great :D Good Luck! :D

Edit: Lol, I agree with Just Kelsey [For President] on the Twilight thing!. When i read the first sentance it seemed like Twilight a little and the blushing part :pWww@QuestionHome@Com

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