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Question: Would you plz read the first chapter of my new fantasy novel!?


Chapter 1: A murder in 21 clevaton




No, one could deny the fact that this street was the most eerie part of London!.
Street 21 clevaton!. Abandoned, dusty shacks spread in a row on one side, and
The other side, a queue of bronze lampposts!. The sturdy lampposts seemed that
They haven't witnessed light before, but instead they did the reverse and sucked
All kind of illumination in the street and left nothing behind but endless dimness!.


For the first time in months, a man stood motionlessly under one of the lampposts at
The far end of 21 clevaton !.His face was hidden in the utter darkness of the street
He wore a woolen, grey coat that reached down to his fluffy boot's sole!. He dipped
One hand into his wide coat pocket and clenched to a magnifying glass, he other hand
Delved Deeper into the other pocket and tugged out effortlessly something red, and wooden, slender in shape…it was a pencil with an iron, crimson edge!. Strangely enough, he began writing on the oval, transparent lens, what was he writing!? Something unclear was scribed slowly over the lens, but what happened a moment later proved that it wasn't something ordinary!. out of the centre of the lens, yellow light straggled hastily in all directions as if the source of light couldn't stop itself from shoving off more beams intense than the ones before, as if what the immobile man had written was threatening the endless shafts!.


Finally, the man's tall, broad figure walked, raising the intensely glinting lens just right above his bald ,oily head!. Rats scuttled away before the eye galling light !.He twisted his head, had a brisk look at the road that wound up just at beside him, and scuttled forward into the narrow road, the shacks round this road had a mysterious tinge of life in them, may be from the light that emerged out of the grocery store that stood at one corner at the end of the row of shacks!. His walking pace was steady, full of instinctive confidence that increased in every step!.


suddenly, a loud crack blasted out one of the seemingly empty shacks!. He stopped abruptly twisting in a circle round himself, something had finally held grip of his focused attention!.


Still holding his pencil, he wrote some kind of intricate form of sentence on the glowing lens and the rustling beams lost its momentum, receding backward into the centre of the lens!.


Running down stealthily ,he stooped in front of the shack's rickety door, resting one ear on the door, his wrinkled ears caught a clack ,something twisted followed by a shrill "ahh that hurts" the voice crinkled in distress" sorry" replied another husky voice!.

A wry smile took form on the his face, he held his pencil by the tips of his fingers from its far edge and wrote down another interwoven form of mysterious sentence, and a moment later he proceeded his hand forward, giving no notice to the increasing noise from inside the shack!. As his bony fingers ,shriveled on the haft of the lens,a zigzag red bolt took form on the lens's glass and thundered away ,gnashing the shacks door into tiny splinters, that sprinkled away ,colliding relentlessly with all that they encountered ,vases ,jugs, and a green light oil pendal hanging down from the reedy ceiling, all tumbling down in clamorous unconnected thuds and crack easily ,as the man coated man reared forward into the shack, to find a slender!. straight man cringing backwards in fear of the abrupt ,brief din!. He was looking directly into the cold, blue eyes that seemed to caught in one ,continuous glare!. on of them did budge, only the slightly brown moustache of the victim quivered in a mixture of fury and fear over his thin lips ,and as he quietly laid down the hammer on the waist high table behind his slightly twisted body, he said in a dubious tone" you came hmmm…I was expecting your arrival …sorry for the lack of hospitality but as you can see I'm busy Argos"
Argos took a brisk look round the place" very humble…!.emmm sorry for the damage…!.a nice place that the holly family can spend a mirthful summer in"

"right…!.the holly family nice one Argos…!."and suddenly his sarcastic tone turned to a curtly spoken one" do it fast …kill me!."

"ohh so the news of my arrival had reached you…!.!.no wonder Greene…hail the fairies…actually I wanted the scene to be more effective on you…those first shocks are the hardest to act…!.i love you when you shriek and twitch out of fear"
He spoke the last word" fear" with a some kind of disgust that it seemed that the rough pronunciation of the letter f echoed endlessly in Greene's head, calling plaintive memories to his head memories of unsettling childhood!.

Greene twisted back to his former position before the attack and leaned forward on the table, his pointed nose almost touched the table, as if sniffing its dusty surface, but he wasn't ,he wanted to be close to the tiny figure that laid softly on the table ,a flimsy body ,not larger than a toe, with two papery wings iWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I didn't read the entire thing but I noticed that you have some problems with Word capitalizing the first word of each line unnecessarily!.

Don't use the same word too close together, as you did with 'lampposts'!.

Just by skimming through, I can tell that you are TELLING and not SHOWING!. In other words, it sounds like you are standing on the sidelines narrating instead of getting in there and showing us what's happening!.

You seem to have an interesting plot!. Don't muck it up by these strange and unnatural words!. What is 'clevation'!?

You are using too many adjectives when simpler words will do better!. Don't try so hard!. It sounds like you are writing this while holding a thesaurus in one hand!.

Those "!.!.!.!.!." between sentences is distracting!.

I would go back and edit!. You could have a good story if you did!.Www@QuestionHome@Com