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Question: What do you think!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!?!?!? !?
Last time I posted part of my story it was sloppy and it had some mis spelling!. So here's a longer and edited one!. It's not fully fixed but hey I'm not even fully done!. so tell me what you think, in a honest and nice manner!. Please, if your going to be rude, then don't post anything!. Thank you! ( :



I reached across the table for the salt shaker, making sure neither one of my sleeves went into
any of the food that was placed on the table seconds ago!. As I did this, I felt eyes looking at me!.

"Are you going to wait for Chelsey!?Because if your not, then go ahead and dig in but as you do so, remember that you're being awfully rude," Grandma said, as I shook some salt onto my mashed potatoes!.

"Yeah you're being awfully rude," My Little brother Sam said as inpersanation of Grandma!.

"Well I haven't eaten all day, so I want to get some potatoes while thier still in the bowl!." I reached for bowl that had the gravy in it but a pair of hands got to it before I could!.

"Yeah Sammy!. Who's rude now!?" I smiled a triumfant smile and crossed my arms!.

"first of all, if you haven't been paying attention, Mom has entered the room and is now sitting down!." He said while he pointed in Mom's derection with a spoon that had gravy on it!.
He added, "Oh and don't call me Sammy!."
He tried to sound threatening but what can a little eleven year old possibly do!? Oh he could steal all my tampons from my room(like he did last time)!. That would be a real show, seeing as I put another lock above my door knob!.

I tried to grab the gravy out of his hands and tried to "accidentelly" spill some on him!. "What are you trying to do, burn me or something!?" He screamed!. I smiled and finally managed to swipe the gravy away from him!.

"Samual stop screaming and Allison stop making him scream!." Mom said, as I dribbled some gravy on my potatoes and turkey!.
I said in a high pitched voice, "What!? I'm not making him scream!. He's doing that on his own!."

Mom replied in a calm voice, " Yes but your making him mad, which will refer to screaming!."

She placed a napkin on her lap and picked up the basket of roles and placed one on her plate with no exspression of happiness or sadness traced on her face!.

"Seriously Mom, I don't know how you can be so calm when you rased such a sycho son!." I Said as I passed the gravy to Grandma!.
"Yes well he wouldn't be so sycho, if you wouldn't rile him up so much," Grandma added with yank to the gravy bowl!.

"Ok enough about me being sycho, thank you!."
" I agree!. Enough talk of this subject," Mom said as she started to cut her turky very elegently!.

Seriously, my Mom is like way serious and sometimes it's scary!.

"Tell me Allison, how's your school shopping coming!? I heard that you went with your dear friend Fay this evening!. How did it go!?" Mom asked, not looking up from her plate!.

"Yeah it went ok," I said with a shrug!.

"Well I hope you got everything you need because you know how exspensive things get when school starts up again!. So get everything finished before school starts!. You don't want your Mother paying for expensive things, when you can get them for cheap and on sale," My grouchy Grandma screeched!.
"Mom, I got everything under controle!. Can you let me be the Mother of MY children for once!."

"Chelsey I was just suggesting!. That's all," Grandma said with a pleading voice!.
"Well then stop suggesting," Mom demanded as she scooped up a small piece of brocoli with her spoon!.
My Moms the only one who can shut up Grandma!. Since she's her daughter in all!. It seems like Mom's the mother of Grandma half the time!. She's always bossing her around and grandma acts like a helpless kitten caught in the rain just sitting there!.

"Well I'm going to go sort through my old back pack and see if I can re-use it," I said while picking up my plate and heading toards the kitchen!.
"Ok well, I'll go with you to the Mall tomorrow to finish the rest of your school shopping!." Mom said with a forced smile!. I said with a forced smile myself, "Oh ok!. Well I'm going to my room!. Night!.


I placed my plate on the kitchen counter after I scraped the few bites of turkey that I didn't finish into Pongo's dog bowl!.
"There you go boy," I said as Pongo fersly started to gnaw at the turkey in pleasure!.
If he wasn't busy chowing down on his food, I bet he would of given me a big wet one!.
So I stalked out of the room in fear that he might chase after me and try to get more turkey!.

I walked to my room with a full stomache and a full mind and tired feet from walking so much with Fay in the Mall!.
I opened the door to my room and switched on the light but not a flicker of light lit up my room!. I couldn't see a thing!. I tried again!. Not a flicker!. Nothing!. I walked into my room, with my hands infront of me, so I could feel my way to my desk!. I clicked on my medal lamp and looked at my ceiling!. No light bulb!.
Well, well well!. I guess Sammy snatched Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I guess you post your text in this forum, because you really want to do something with your story!. It's a very short piece and I find it therefore kinda hard to say something about the plot: Perhaps it can work, perhaps it can't!. The way you tell it, though, doesn't work well for me, because it is related in the same way!. Often you construct the sentences in the same way, e!.g!. your way of using the verb "to say" as "copula" between a direct quote and the circumstances in which it is being said / the way it is being said!. After looking your text through, I can't seem to find any examples of "said" standing alone!. Instead it's always followed by an "as" or another word with the same function:

"!.!.!.I said as Pongo fersly started to gnaw!.!.!."

"!.!.!.I said while picking up my plate!.!.!."

"!.!.!.Mom said with a forced smile!.!.!."

This shows that you aren't a trained writer!. You want to explain everything in detail, every movement and expression, instead of letting some of it be up to my imagination as a reader!. In my opinion it's important to focus on the important aspects, those aspects which let the story move on, while you let the rest to be imagined by the reader!. Less is more, as the saying goes!.

If you really want to be a writer (or at least want people to read your piece without being annoyed by redundancy in style) it takes a lot of work and my suggestion would be to read lots of books and focus on style: How do the author write!? When does it work!? When doesn't it work!? How do the author get around the usual difficulties (e!.g!. describing the main character without letting him/her look in the mirror, because that's an absolute no-go!.!.!.)!? And imitate: Write pieces where you try to imitate a certain style, a certain voice, a certain point of view etc!. in order to enrich your style!. Finally I would also suggest that you take courses in creative writing and join a group of people who wants to write just as you!. Positive critic and exchange of experiences is a great way to improve your sense of plot, style and language!.

I hope you won't feel I've been too hard on you! Good luck! Www@QuestionHome@Com

Don't set your heart on being a writer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think the premise is good, but there are so many grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors that it's very hard to concentrate on the story!. You would benefit by having someone look over it thoroughly (or even a good go-through with MSWord would be helpful)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Basically, it lacks any depth or interesting qualities!. You have so many grammatical and spelling errors that it is dreadful to read and the dialogue is, quite frankly immature and embarrassing to read!.
I'm sorry if it is harsh but it is not rude, it is constructive criticism!.
You have a lot to learn if you ever want to become a proper author!.Www@QuestionHome@Com