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Question: First chapter of my story!. Tell me if you like it!?
Chapter one
He sat in the cold, unloving office he had been in so many times before!. He wondered if he had done the right thing!. He hadn't ever felt this kind of compassion in his line of work!. If you could call it that!. He had felt close to the old man!. He wasn't heartless!. He didn't get the enjoyment of killing the old man that he usually got from his victims!. he actually felt a bit of sorrow as he had taken this man's life!. It almost felt painful to watch him die!. Almost!. He didn't really feel anymore!. He looked at the corpse that was lying next to him on the black marble floor!. He remembered when the boss had assigned him the task!. The old man owned a law office!. He was told to gain the old man's trust!. So he did!. After that, the man never made a move with out consulting him first!. Then, he cunningly betrayed the old man's trust!. He stayed after work to make a few copies, and talked the man into having a few drinks!. When the old man wasn't looking, he put lead in his brandy!. Then, he waited for the old man to die!. The man's death came quickly!. His phone vibrated in his pocket, interrupting his thoughts!. He heard that all too familiar voice on the other end of the line!. It was The Boss giving him his next task!. "Yes!.!.!.Yes!.!.!." NO! He couldn't do it!. Not this time!. He WOULDN'T! The Boss wouldn't tell Nicholas Brink what to do this time!.

Tell me what you think!. This is all I have written so far!. Tell me if you think its a good plot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
good plot, intriguing character and good story flow!. I think you've done a wonderful job on this!. I'm interested to see what the new job is!. I'm kind of reminded of the villain in Dan Brown's Digital Fortress, he's a deaf assassin!.!.!.

you do good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Your first sentence does not grab my attention!.

Change it to something more compelling!.

Something like:
"Nicholas Brink actually liked the old man he had just murdered!."

You need to break it into readable paragraphs!. Start a new paragraph with each new thought or idea!.

Don't use all caps or exclamation points in a story!. Editors frown upon those!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

ya its not much rly lol but its pretty good!. make some interesting plot like hes assigned to kill someone he knows, maybe like his sis or bff or wife or sumthin idk make it crazy tho!. u could make it be all suspense-y about him trying to get away from the boss or watev and the boss tryin to kill him!. idk!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

well walrus, have you ever thought about things like were the plot goes, were it ends up!? in my face!?your face!? sure is funny, this thing we call a plot! or a ending, I hate endings, damn endings!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

yes! i luv it! i wish i could write as well as u, but sadly, i cant x[

great job tho i wanna keep readin! if u write more can u email it to me!? plz & thx

*?*?*Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like it, but you overuse terms like "man" and "old man!."
Try substituting with words like "he," "his," or "the victim!." Without a name, you can't do much, though!.!.!. so you could also try combining sentences so you aren't repeating "the old man" so much!.

Anyway, I really like this!. I'd read more!. (Kinda short for a whole chapter, though!.)

P!.S!. I honestly cannot understand the person above me (the one that addressed you as Walrus!.)

EDIT: also, when it gets to the "yes!.!.!.yes!.!.!." line, that needs to be a new paragraph!. You should divide the whole thing into paragraphs, actually!. Maybe you just haven't gotten around to it yet!.

So yeah, that's all!. Good luck with this, it sounds good so far!.Www@QuestionHome@Com