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Several times you use the construction “word- another word!.” You need to but a space between as in “word – another word!.”

In the sentence beginning “She was also cold,” also implies that it relates to the former sentence, which it does not!. It refers to the sentence before, and would be best placed there in my opinion!. The sentence in between the two seems somewhat our of place!.

The phrase “!. !. !. a hard day’s work of walking” would be best rephrased, perhaps to “!. !. !. hard days walk!.”

“Keep on moving!. Make sure no one follows you!. Survive!.” I really like this phrase!. No correction, I just had to mention it :)

The sentence beginning “She had a home” needs to become “She had had a home,” believe it or not!. With only one had it implies direct equation, as in “She had a home, once!.” If you do not like the two ‘hads’ then you could either make it “She’d had,” or “She had a home and food, before – barely edible (finish sentence!.) I would go with the second one, “She’d had!.”

Sentence about the mind wandering tonight cannot begin with “[b]ut!.” This is a hugely common mistake, so much so that it may soon become a correct usage, but not yet lol :P

Same sentence has “wonder” in place of ‘wander!.’

Same sentence, “4” must be spelled out, as all numbers must be until 11!.

I eally like the following sentences – “But she couldn’t think of anyone!. She shivered from the cold and her strong memories!. Those memories of her crying because of her father seemed like they were from another life time, another world!.”

That said, I do have two corrections!. (I know, terrible time, but I really do like the concept!) The first is the “But” issue, of course!. The second is that “life time” is one word, ‘lifetime!.’

The sentence beginning “Yes, she was crying” has a tense issue with the paragraph!. It is in present tense, but the rest is taking place in a different period!. THAT BEING SAID I think it can be left the way it is!. While not technically correct, the stylization it provides is well worth the (very minor) sacrifice!.

Sentence beginning “Tonight, she realized” has several issues!. I could explain them in depth, but doing so would be very time consuming and I doubt you really want to know :P!. If you are really interested, send me a message thru Answers and I will give you the long version!.
The obvious way of fixing this would be to place realized in different context, fixing all those issues and improving overall readability!. Make it “Tonight, she realized, she had let the sadness win, again, as she touched her cheeks !. !. !.” The clause “,again,” is technically incorrect!. It sets up a parenthetical clause which is never fulfilled!. However, in the context it is another stylistic issue which I think would diminish the work if fixed!.

Sentence beginning “She had read a book” has another tense issue with “is!.” It needs to be ‘was!.’

Sentence beginning “But even this” has an issue with “preyed on!.” It must be either ‘preyed upon’ or better still ‘predated!.’

The last line with her thinking needs to be in quotation marks because it is a direct verbal thought rather than a concept or idea as was the sentence starting “Tonight, she realized!.”

I realize that all of this seems somewhat brutal, but be aware that I am editing this to a graduate-school level!. Most of this is probably unknown to your English teachers!. I do this because it is what I would want were I in your position!. Do not mistake me to be insulting your story!. Grammar is the last thing you should worry about!. Write for meaning, then go back and change things with the assistance of an editor like me, as you have done!.

On the topic of your previous responses, I would like to say that I am in favor of the use of “she” as opposed to a name!. It engenders a deeper empathy with the character, and keeps the message from being muddled by definition!. I think it is probably one of the best things about the whole story!. Above all do not change that!. I also like the overall feel of the story!. It is stylistic in places, which is important, and very moody throughout!. It carries forward a meaning, a message, and an emotion!. It is, in short, all the things a short story could be!.

EDIT – For the sake of my inevitable detractors, I realize that there is an almost innumerable amount of quotation mark, in-quote capitalization, and ‘(sic)’ issues in this work!. I did this for expediency’s sake and for overall ease of reading (ironically)!.

also, Peace's edits are almost exclusively wrong!. The vast majority of the "extra" words he removed came at the cost of grammatical correctness, and all came at the cost of some small bit of meaning in the story!. Please, in the name of your art, ignore his changes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Great story!.!.!. it's actually a pretty strong beginning if you intended to make it longer!. I would just suggest that you take a few details out!.!.make the reader piece two and two together about the girls background!.!.!.Great titleWww@QuestionHome@Com

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i really liked it
its interesting, intriguing, and sad
i enjoyed it


check out my story
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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In the first paragraph it says life like this- a runaway!. The thing before the words a runaway there should be a cama not a dash!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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i would suggest making the first part flow a bit more, by removing words such as "also"!. Otherwise great work, it was enjoyable to readWww@QuestionHome@Com

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Its a nice story!. I like it cus its about how Mummy's are so special!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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love the first paragraph!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I dont see many mistakes at all, it looks very nice!.

I hope it goes somewhere!

Good luck with your storyWww@QuestionHome@Com

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I can tell you that you start with the word she too much!. And who is she, you should point that out in the beginning, maybe put a name to the she part!.
I will give you are start!.!.!.
Isolated and alone the runaway slept on the streets at night and prayed for someone to find her who cared!. Unlikely to find someone, the runaway started adjusting to life on the streets!. Uncomfortable with the idea of being a runaway she covered her face with her blanket to hide her true teenage identity!. Cold, hungry, and disgusted with herself because her hair was itchy and she smelled from not bathing in days, the runaway kept walking!. Her instincts told her to survive and make sure no one follows!.
Hope this helps, you do the rest of the work yourself!
also, change this to your own words, i am just giving you examples on how not to use her or she to start the sentence!.
This is a good story, you captured her feelings!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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1) YOUR SENTENCE:
She would sleep on the streets at night and she prayed that she would find someone who cared for her, though it was unlikely!.

MY CORRECTION: Delete "she" before "prayed" so it would look like this:
She would sleep on the streets at night and prayed that she would find someone who cared for her, though it was unlikely!.



2) YOUR SENTENCE:
Yes, she was crying, but she at least she was fed and in a bed and that seemed like heaven compared to this!.

MY CORRECTION(S):
Delete the second "she" AND/OR change the sentence to this:
Yes, she was crying, but she was at least fed and in a bed that seemed like heaven compared to this!.


3) YOUR SENTENCE:
She has never felt so helpless before!.

MY CORRECTION:
Change "has" to had


4) YOUR SENTECE:
She had read a book about a girl who ran away, but this is different, she thought!.

MY CORRECTION:
Change "is" to was!.



*Your short story sounds pretty good!. I like it!. Just change what i told you and hopefully it will sound even better!.*
Maybe you should name her Emily!.
:)
I think that name would sound good with this story!.
<3Www@QuestionHome@Com

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She was alone!. Isolated!. She slept on the streets at night and prayed she would find someone who cared for her -though it was unlikely!. She was gradually adjusting to life as a runaway but the idea made her uncomfortable!. She covered her face with her only blanket to disguise any sign she is just a teenage girl!. She was also cold, hungry!. She felt disgusting as her hair was itchy, for she hadn’t taken a bath in days, and she stank of her own sweat from the hard day’s work of walking!. "Keep on moving," she thought!. Make sure no one follows you!. Survive!.

She asked herself the same question over and over- why did I run away!? She had a home and food- barely edible food, but food, nonetheless!. Then she remembered as her thoughts moved to her cruel father, who became harsh after her mother had died!. But tonight she let her mind wonder, trying to figure out who would even consider her absence as it had been 4 months since she ran away!. She couldn’t think of anyone!. She shivered from the cold and her strong memories!. Those memories of her crying because of her father seemed like they were from another life time, another world!. Yes, she was crying, but she at least she was fed and in a bed and that seemed like heaven compared to this!.

Tonight, she let the sadness win again, as she touched her cheeks that were suddenly sodden with her warm tears!. She never felt so helpless before!. She missed her mother!.
She had read a book about a girl who ran away, but this is different, she thought!. What she read didn’t nearly convey the danger and helplessness she was going though now!. But even this, she thought, was better than being attacked as if you were being preyed on by your own father because you didn't have a mother to protect you!.
She sighed and once her eyes were all cried out, she closed her eyes and thought:

I’ll get through this, eventually!. I know I will!. Mom!.!.!. I miss you!.


Hi!. I made some changes!. Basically, I took out a lot of unnecessary, extra words!. This is often something writers do, so don't be upset as I do it too!. You know!.!.!. you hear it all perfect in your head, but sometimes what comes out isn't exact!. also, you have a conflict with tense!. She is in the "now" but you are writing as if she is in the "past"!. I didn't fix it all, but go through and see some of what I did and you will get a better idea of what you can do to make it better!.

Something I learned in composition: less is often better!. This means, you should look to say exactly what you want without all the extra words!. Keep going, you will get it!.

Good wishes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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