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Question: How do you like this opening paragraph for my story!?
“I am a murderer!.” Ian said numbly to no one!. The body lay open mouthed staring at the ceiling!. The gun slipped from his hand and landed with a dull thud on the carpeted office floor!. Ian stared at the body, a nameless employee of a multi-billion dollar company!. Pot-bellied, wearing a blue, pin striped button up shirt complete with a pocket protector!. The man’s thick glasses were broken, one lens severely cracked!. He didn’t move!. Ian’s trance was broken as a young man wearing a white tee shirt and jeans stepped into the small office space carrying a parcel!. The young man stopped looking quickly back and forth between Ian and the body!. “Oh my… Oh my God!” He screamed, throwing the parcel and sprinted out the door, down a hallway, knocking down a busy worker along the way!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i liked it!
hmmm, your descriptions are really good!.
i liked the second bit less, although i still liked it!.!.!.
from "He didn't move" to the end you might want to apply an editing eye
for example, i have not heard many guys use the phrase "oh my god"
also, i like the fact that you are descriptive, but it gets a little distracting in the second half!.
ex: "Ian’s trance was broken as a young man wearing a white tee shirt and jeans stepped into the small office space carrying a parcel!."
the fact that Ian is concerned about being a murder might take some of the focus away from the color/type of the young man's shirt, size of the room, etc!. in the eyes of the narrator
oh, and i think you should consider putting a comma after stopped ("The young man stopped looking quickly!.!.!.")
but all in all it was really good!
don't take my really long answer the wrong way, all the criticism was meant constructively, and the paragraph was written very well over all!.
im intriguedWww@QuestionHome@Com
It's not something I have never read before!. It needs an edge, and something that hasn't been done before!. The opening paragraph needs to draw someone in, and this would suit a few paragraphs after!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's fantastic!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
really good and very descriptiveWww@QuestionHome@Com
awesome, as in a great hook (not like i enjoy when people kill someone) but the point is it's greatWww@QuestionHome@Com
OMJEANS! I want to know what happens next! That is GREAT! I love it its sooooooo AWESOME! keep going!Www@QuestionHome@Com
very much soWww@QuestionHome@Com