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Question: Here's a short story I wrote just now!. What do you think!?
Wrote this up a while ago!. Care to comment!?

!.!.!.

Getting bored with counting the clouds and risking a sunburn, I finally got up and brushed away any grass embedded in my pants!. It was a beautiful Saturday, just before noon!. And it was all I could do to stop myself from running towards her!.

She's leaving after lunch, she's probably at the deli near the bus stop right now!. Is she waiting for me!? Or just waiting for something, anything!?

A couple of fruitless blinking after that, I resolved to just heck away with it all!. What do I care anyway!? She's just a friend!. And I'm not about to go melodramatic on her if that's what she's looking forward to!.

I realized that I'm hungry myself, despite the brunch I had before going out, unconsciously heading towards the downtown area!. "Corned beef and Swiss on rye with horseradish please" I bemused myself, looking forward to the food already!.

A tinkling of a small, pink bicycle brought me back, and I found myself standing outside the deli!. Thankfully, the bus stop's still round the corner, with the front doors of the shop opening on that face of the street!.

Briskly walking down the side alley, I pulled open the eternally unlocked back door; ticking ovens and coffee greeted my senses!. The coolness of the place lent a dramatic atmosphere, and it is here that most people talk in hushed tones!. Even she would go loopy sometimes and mutter, "Say hello for every goodbye" or some crap like that!.

But she wasn't there!. In fact, she didn't even had lunch here, nor bought a bag of something to nibble on for the trip!. She just dropped by, went up to the counter, and left a pink note on the tip jar!.

They knew it was for me, everyone here knows we've been together ever since forever!. Some thought we were siblings, but mostly they thought we were, you know, lovey-dovey!. But a furious stare chased those thoughts away!.!.!. usually!.

And now there's the note!.

I picked it up and left, I can't read this in front of everyone!. What with the hoots and howls, it was like an owl menagerie in there!. What do they know!? The heck do I care anyway!? I should've read it aloud and tore it up in front of them!. That would show them!.

But of course I couldn't do that!. I held onto that pink paper till I was back to my own grassy place beneath the skies!. I held on till sunset, hoping the sun would hurry up and sink already, so I'd have an excuse not to read it!.

And when the last bit of sun finally sank beneath the horizon, I felt a triumphant cheer rising up in me and held the note up!. Ha! Now the sun's gone, I won't be able to read this crap!

I was a fool!. Of course the sun's gone, but the day lingered on!. And I stood there with a smiling mask plastered on my face, as I unintentionally read the note!.

"Hello", it said!.

And that's when darkness really came!. I was really thankful for that, so that nobody would see me cry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
That was nice!.

At first I thought it was the note that said hello, but then I remembered what the girl said (whoever she was) and it all fell into place!. That ending warmed me!.

I'd have to compliment you on giving your characters personality even without naming them!.

Awesome!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think the note was cute!.

Overall very good, original, I like it!.

Www@QuestionHome@Com

ok!.!.!.

i dont get it, and it seemed kinda sloppyWww@QuestionHome@Com

Its!.!.!.!.!.interesting!.!.!.!.

It sounds like its leading upto something more and i like that

its quite intreeging ( i cant spell)
i would definatley read it, and its nice reading from a guys perspective of things, most things i read nowadays are from a girls!.

I would read it!.

Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think it's just an artistic representation of a sad thought!.!.!.
it's nice and there's an effort in giving a highlight of the main thought, the ending is just short and sweet!.!.!.i like it!. but this piece is not for people who doesn't want to go around the bush!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hmm,truthfully, it was kinda!.!.boring(sorry) but near the end, when he took notice of the note, I wanted to know more!. Sounded like it was going to be good!.

damn i wanted to know what the note said lol!.Www@QuestionHome@Com