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Question: Here is part of the stroy i wrote!. do you like it!?
Abbey Omay sat there, confused!. "Why are they so perfect!?", she said to her best friend Maggie Mare!. " I don't know!.", Maggie said, bored!.
Abbey sat in awe as she watched Hannah Light walk with her best friends, Lexi Smith , Kate Scottson, and Roxy Boulder!. They were perfect, in every way, they knew all the tricks to getting boys, got straight A+s, and were all trying out for the Blue Water Middle School (in LA) cheerleading squad!. But, most of all, they were the most popular clique at their school!. Hannah was the leader, with her shortish light blond hair and gymnasts body!. Lexi was her second in command, trying to be at the top, with her long very blond hair!. She was really, really short and Hannah was kind of tall!. Kate, had light brown hair, short!. She laughed and smiled all the time, and was very approachable!.!.!. but she could insult you faster then you can say "It doesn't look like Goodwill threw up all over me!" She was strong and petite, a fast runner! Very petite though, you would never know how strong she was!. She was tanish, and very skinny and kind of short!. Roxy had silky brunette hair and compared to the Hannah and Lexi, she was tan!. She was nice and sporty!. She played soccer, it was her passion!. Yet, she had to try out for the cheerleading squad instead of soccer team, or else she would be kicked out of the clique!. Abbey Omay was an outsider, a wannabe, she was desperate to be a part of their exclusive clique!. She had light brown hair that was very long!. She love field hockey, but she would probably try out for the cheerleading squad!. (you know why!) Her best friend Maggie Mare, was also very short, but not as short as Lexi! She had strawberry blond hair that was kind of short!. She was the type of girl who loved Juicy Couture and her favorite colors were pink and green!. She could fit in with the clique if she showed more interest but she hid it all!.
Hannah leaded her friends to there usual table!. They sat down in the usual order, Hannah and Lexi on one side and Roxy and Kate on the other!. "Okay guys, so we all know that Lexi is my second in command, but!.!.!.", she glanced at Lexi and could see the insecurity in her eyes," But, I am now letting everybody run for second in command!", she waited for the response!. "Oh my gosh! What!?! EVERYBODY!?! Even!.!.!.", Lexi lowered her voice," outsiders!?" "Yep! I'm announcing it today after school at the cheerleading tryouts! Since everybody who joins MUST be a cheerleader!.", she looked at Roxy who was looking at the table!. "Isn't that right!.!.!.!. ROXY!?!", Kate said, trying to read Hannah's mind so she could be second in command!. "Right!.", said Roxy, unexcitedly!.
"Maggie! So, you still haven't told me, are you trying out for the cheerleading squad!!?", Abbey asked her best friend!. "Oh, Abbey!.!.!. I don't know!. I mean, I really don't want to!.!.!.", Abbey cut her off, " Are you sure!?", she asked hoping she would rethink this decision!. "Yes!", said Maggie, suddenly sure and rebuilt with confidence!. "Besides, I'm trying out for the soccer team!", she said!. Then she saw Roxy look over and smile, with envy in her eyes!. " You know, I wish Roxy would sit with us one day, she seems cool!.", Maggie said!. "Wait, I thought you didn't care about popularity!?", Abbey said searching her eyes for the answer!. "Who said that!?", Maggie said, knowing she had said that!. "Umm, you!?", Abbey said grabbing a handful of Maggie's pretzels!. " Well, I mainly just want to get to know her because we seem to have a lot in common, thats all!.", Maggie said, trying to cover for herself!. She really did care about popularity, but she kept that to herself!. "Oh!.", siad Abbey, looking down at the floor!. "Hey, why did you quit field hockey!? I thought you loved it!", Maggie said, changing the subject!. "Yeah, I did!. But now I'm into cheerleading! Woohoo! Go team go!", Abbey said, suddenly realizing how dorky that was!. Lexi looked over and pointed so her friends could see and they all snickered!. "Great, now they think I'm a dork!.", Abbey said!. "Oh don't worry about them!. They aren't worth it!.", Maggie said, but it ended up sounding more as a question then sentence!. "Yeah!.", Abbey said, even though she didn't aggree at all!.
"Come on girls!. Please scurry!", said Ashley, Hannah's driver!. The girls burst out into hysterics! "Scurry!? You mean HURRY!?", yelled Kate, cracking up!. "No, I mean SCURRY!", said Ashley holding open the limo door for them!. They slid in, and assumed their lunch position to share their gossip of the day!. "Well, girls, since its the start of a new year we have a new order for gossip-telling! Yay us!", exclaimed Hannah!. The girls were silent!. "Well!? Don't you wanna know!?!", she asked!. "Of course!", said Roxy!. "We will start with Roxy, then Lexi, then Kate, and finally me,", she said with pride!. "Wait, first things first I need to know, are you picking us up for cheerleading tryouts at 4!?", asked Kate!. "Of course!", said Lexi, speaking for Hannah!. "Yes, I am!.", said Hannah ignoring LexWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Oh my word what an amazing story!. i also write stories but none are ever THAT good!. You left me wanting more! which is what every great author hopes for in there story!. Keep writing I can't wait to see where it goes!.!.!. hey if you finish it and get it published would you mind informing me!?!?!? I would love to get the book or mind informing me the title!.!.!. I want to know what happens!. The only typo was somewhere at the top you need to say lead to the table instead of "leaded"!. That was the only typo i saw, once again AMAZING!!! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
The piece works just fine as a story!. Obviously, there's some editing and rewriting that will need to be done if you hope to publish this, but all-in-all it's good!.
If you were to attempt to get this published, there are quite a few things to look at since this is obviously targeted at the tween demographic:
1: Omit unnecessary words!.
"Abbey Omay sat there, confused!. "Why are they so perfect!?", she said to her best friend Maggie Mare!. " I don't know!.", Maggie said, bored!."
After Abbey says "Why are they so perfect!?", you don't need to say anything about who she's saying it to!.
2: Show, don't tell!.
""I don't know!.", Maggie said, bored!."
Is she bored!? Fine, but that's no fun!. Was she slumped in a chair brushing her hair while staring out a window!? That tells me she's bored and possibly slightly vain!. Was she sprawled out on the floor with her eyes closed as she answered without looking at her friend!? That says she's bored and not focused!. The fact is, the more you tell me things, the less I care!. If you show me things, I become involved not only in the story, but in the characters as well because you can use subtle clues to develop them!.
3: Watch your pacing!.
This piece is a pretty well jumbled mess with regards to pacing!. If it was better formatted (because you're writing for a younger audience, you'll want to leave a lot of white space on the page), and elongated slightly in some areas while cut back in others, the piece would develop a natural rhythm!.
Again, overall, this was a pretty good piece, but if you consider what I've suggested, it may very well become a pretty good PUBLISHABLE piece!. After all, isn't that why we write!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
WARNING: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!.
This isn't good at all!.
-Work on your grammar!. Your commas aren't where they should be, and you're supposed to start a new line every time a new person speaks!.
- Giving out all the last names in the first two sentences adds unneeded words and screws up the flow of a story!.
- Describing each character in detail is the most boring (and amateurish) thing you could possibly do!. You need to rewrite the whole paragraph!.
- The second line about Kate being strong and petite is redundant!.
- Is there a point to the story!? If so, could you get to it anytime soon!?
- The plot sounds like something a elementary-schooler would write!. And I'm guessing you're just that (or possibly a middle-schooler)!.
- Do the characters always yell everything!? Because they use a lot of exclamation points!.
I don't care how old you are or if this is your first story!. This isn't good writing!. Heck, it's mediocre!. Sorry!. You asked what I thought, and this is it!. Don't post your story if you don't want criticism!. Besides, you can't get better if you don't know what you're doing wrong!.
Good luck!.
PS
The person that said they only saw one typo is either blind, dumb, or not really paying attention!. Almost all of your commas are in the wrong place!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Cupcake,
I'll just do the first two lines to show you what I see wrong already!.
Yours:
Abbey Omay sat there, confused!. "Why are they so perfect!?", she said to her best friend Maggie Mare!. " I don't know!.", Maggie said, bored!.
Careful of the commas where you don't need them!. No commas and periods at the same ending!. No comma after a question mark!. You can't have two people talking in the same sentence or paragraph!.
Mine:
Abbey Omay sat there confused!. "Why are they so perfect!?" she said to her best friend, Maggie Mare!.
"I don't know," Maggie said, sounding a bit bored!.
Cupcake,
People mean well when they say you're writing is good, but they don't do you any real favors by not seeing the mistakes that are made in the process of writing it!.
Some people read stories in YA and don't bother to see the problems that take place, while others do!. That doesn't mean anyone is out of touch with proper writing, it's just that they don't bother to look for those things!.
Go back over your story and do what I did!. Take your time as your edit it and make believe it's 'you' who are speaking for all the characters in the work!. Notice where you pause as you read aloud!. That's where a comma should go!.
This is a good start, I will agree with that!. Just take it a step further and get all those punctuations right!. Everyone makes those mistakes, which includes me!. When a manuscript goes to a publisher from a literary agent, that's what editors are for!.
Good luck!
PJ M Www@QuestionHome@Com
I didn't read all of it but try not to be so straight forward, its not bad but you just come right out and say everything!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow!. i agree with the first person!.
this sounds like an interesting story, and it hits pretty close to home, if you know what i mean!. but personally i'm not all that into these kind of books- i prefer fantasy!. however, if you can promise that there will be some kind of magic or something extra to the theme of high school society, i will happily be your first fan! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I haven't read all of it, but hear are a few things I think you could improve on!. Trying to help here, no offense meant:
- If I were you, I would use less exclamation marks!.
- You could improve your description very easily!. Add in some similes and metaphors; instead of 'She had brown hair that was very long' you could say something like: 'Her hair was a cascading chocolate fountain!.' You see what I mean!?
- I like your start!. The 'Why are they so perfect!?' sets of the right tone!.
Hope I was helpful! Good luck with your story!Www@QuestionHome@Com