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Question: Does this story sound good so far!?
This is only a little part!. It's not really a huge part!. I hope you like it!.

As Noah and I lay in the sand side by side - listening to the ocean sing, I ask him "What do you want in life!." It's silent for a moment!. Then finally, I get an answer!. "You!." He says!. I'm confused!. So I ask him again!. "No!. I mean, what do you really need in life!." It was so quiet!. I wondered if he had ignored my question, or if he was still thinking!.
Then, silently in my ear, he whispers, "You're all I need!." We stared into each others eyes for a long second!. Then, just like that, we were locked in a kiss!.


So, there it is!. Remember that it's just a little taste!. If I made any mistakes, i'm sorry!. I'm excited about what people will say!. And it's just Y!A!. If I was giving it to my English teacher, it would look professional!. I really hope you like it!.


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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Sounds pretty cool! It sounds like something I would read!. I do have a suggestion though!. Maybe at the end of your story you should have Noah die!. Then I think more people would be interested in reading it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's sounds great! Let me point out a few errors though:
"What do you want in life!." should be: "What do you want in life!?"
"No!. I mean, what do you really need in life!." should be: "No!. I mean, what do you really need in life!?"
also, start every dialog (speaking part) on a new line!.

It's good though :)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Not bad but i wish i could read more of it just to see how it fits, but no it doesn't sound pro but it does have a good theme in to it
so actually i kind of liked it!.!.!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

its good but a bit cheesy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Kind of sappy, I would read it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

First of all, always be professional when you're writing!. You're presenting your best thoughts!. Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine!.

I found it tender, touching!. Instead of lay try snuggled--it is a romantic story after all!. Delete the spaces & hyphen!. I liked that the ocean sang but maybe add "the songs of lovers everywhere!." End sentence there!.

Having been on beaches with boyfriends alone at night I know people tend to whisper instead of using a normal tone!. What about this: "I'm afraid of his response but I have to ask" & then your question!. After for a moment try "longer than a moment needed to be!."

Great that he just says "you"!. Why are you confused--you didn't expect it!? Is it happening too soon, too fast!? Give a tad more explanation!.

Oh, put the dialogue in separate paragraphs!. It will be easier to read & more effective!. Delete So!.!.!.again" & go to the dialogue paragraph!. I like that you went from want to need!. Sounds like a mature woman, not some high school kid out w/ her first crush!.

Do you think it would be more effective to change I wondered!.!.!.thinking" to questions e!.g!. "Was he ignoring!.!.!."& :Did he need to rethink his answer!?" This way you're setting up tension!.

You have to say something about them turning their heads together or shifting in the cooling sand!. I don't like the last sentence--too intense too fast!. How do you feel about brief brushing of the lips & then something like a kiss that wouldn't be broken!.

I like it!. I think you have a romantic soul!. Keep at the stoey!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

If I edited this, here's what it would look like (remember English is my second language so please excuse mistake):

Noah and I lay side by side on the beach sand listening to the ocean waves!.

"What do you want in life," I asked, running sand through my fingers!.

He said nothing for a moment, looking out to sea!. "You!."

Confused by his answer, I said, "No!. I mean, what do you really need from life!."

I wondered if he had ignored my question because he said nothing for a long time!. "You're all I need," he said, so quiet, the sound of waves nearly washed the words away!.

I stared into his eyes and it was a long time before he found the courage to kiss me, a kiss that changed my life forever !.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com