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Question: How's this paragraph from my short story!? (A bit long) ^_^!?
Colton quickly made a dash for their room after checking in!. He couldn’t wait to sleep in that comfortable bed!. Colton hopped in his bed as soon as his dad opened the door!. “No darling!. We didn’t come here to sleep” complained Colton’s mom!. “Huh!?” responded Colton!. “I think we should go to the beach!. You know have fun” suggested Colton’s dad!. “That sounds like a wonderful idea” agreed Colton’s mom!. The three quickly got into their bathing suits and left the hotel!. Colton, instead of going shirtless, wore a shirt!. He was always shy about his body!. Colton’s mind went crazy when they got to the beach!. There were so many guys showing off their amazing bodies!. Colton would’ve been happy with any of them, but he knew that most of them weren’t gay!. Colton had a lot of fun while at the beach!. He went for a swim, played a decent game of catch with his dad, and gossiped a bit with his mom!. “I think now would be a good time to head back” suggested Colton’s mom as they watched the incredible sunset!. “Sounds good to me” replied Colton with a smile!. As the family was leaving, Colton tripped and WHACK! He had slammed head first into the sand!. “Need a hand dude!?” asked a handsome stranger!. “Yeah, I guess replied Colton as he got up and extended his hand toward the stranger!. Colton’s mouth fell open with amazement as he saw this stranger!. He was most beautiful guy he had ever seen!. He was about six feet, had blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and was quite muscular!. “Are you okay cutie!?” asked the stranger!. “Yeah, I’m…!.wait!. Did you say cutie!?” replied Colton!. “Yeah!. You’re a cutie” said the stranger as he helped Colton up!. “So are you um, you know!?” asked Colton!. “Why aren’t you the articulate speaker!?” insisted the stranger!. ““But yes, I like guys” said the stranger with a huge grin on his face” “So what’s your name!?” asked Colton as he looked down at his feet!. “You can call me Caleb”!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A BIT LONG BY LIKE 5 LINES
BUT IT SEEMS REALLY GOOD
IF THIS BOOK WERE PUBED I WOULD READ ITWww@QuestionHome@Com
Seemed like it was going in the right direction, and i would be interested in seeing how it ends!.
However, it was EXTREMELY difficult to follow the story and get into it with the constant repetition of Colton!. I highly recommend the use of pronouns!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Seems good to me!. But wouldn't it be better if it is a bit shorter!?I think you could start another paragraph where they head back!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm far from homophobic, but this seems like its heading towards being a harlequin gay porn story!. No offense--I respect your boldness in ignoring taboos, but if you want this to be worth reading for an audience outside of lonely homosexuals, I have some suggestions:
1!. Write from the first person!. The third-person perspective isn't doing anything to help your story as is: in fact, it only contributes to the overall "porno-vibe" you've got going on here!.
2!. How about writing about Colton as a character first, and a gay person second!? And go backwards to explain, perhaps, how he realized he was gay, and a how it's affected his life so far!. This story sort of slams his homosexuality in your face before you even understand him as a person!.
3!. Change or drop the interaction with "Caleb"!. There's nobody that's going to be that upfront with a stranger about being gay--that's likely to get them punched in the face, to be perfectly honest!. How was Caleb supposed to know that Colton was gay!? A fairly unfounded assumption, I'd say!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like the plot so far!. I feel like you repeat the name colton a lot so the best way to fix that is to make it in first person so basically you would be writing from Colton's point of view instead of like a narrator!. I also like the names too!. Hope this helps!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
!.!.!.What the hell
How old are you!? Anyways not everyone can just write a short story, you need to practice at it!. I give you credit for being brave and posting this publicly!. So read more books and learn about style!. Writers are great manipulators and if you want to become a great writer then you need to be good at that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The plot isn't terrible, per se!.!.!. but you really need work on structuring your sentences and putting more thought into your grammar and dialogue!. Some sentences are short and choppy, while others seem like they stumble into the realm of being run-on sentences!. You're missing key grammar conventions such as a comma on the inside at the end of a quotation (example: "Sounds good to me," replied Colton)!. also, it's a bit awkward to use the name Colton repeatedly without any pronouns!. Just, there's a good deal of things that you need to improve upon before you make the decision of finalizing your own short stories!. I'm sure you'll be able to improve in time so keep at it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com