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Question: I'm writing something new, tell me how it is!? Please read!?
Okay how is this!? It's suppost be like in old times, it's like Fantasy, with magic and all that Jazz!. So don't think it's modern times, because it isn't!. Rate from 1 to 10, and tell me how it is!?

Kay thanks ^_^!

I was the child of the witch of Hellenfield!. I was working to become a witch when it happened…when my mother told me who my Father was, and what my birthright was!. It changed everything I knew, everything I believed in, and everything I stood for!. When she told me that night while we sat around the fireplace sewing some quilts for the winter, I was too shocked, not to mention scared out of my mind to speak!. She cleared her throat as if regretted telling me!. She opened her mouth, but nothing would come out!. She swallowed and looked me straight in the eye and spoke it again!.
“Lily please understand!.” She said placing her end of the quilt on her lap!. “You know I never meant to hurt you in anyway!. It is just that I was young and stupid I do not know what I was thinking!. I fell in love with the wrong man; I see that now…! Please say something…anything!?” She asked!. I looked at her full of sorrow!.
“What am I to say Mother!? I am the child of King Envy!.” I said felling my heart sink at the very thought of him being my father!. How could my mother fall for such a man as Envy!? He was evil!. He killed his own brother to take the throne!. Now if that’s not evil then I don’t know what is!. I felt a sharp pain in my hand!. I looked down and saw that I have stuck myself with my needle and thread!. I got up and went over to the basket of our extra fabric we cut off and tied it to my pricked finger!. I took a deep breath and faced my mother again!.
“What does he want to meet me!?” I asked!. She shook her head!.
“I don’t know…I never told him I was with child before he left,” She said while biting her thumbnail!. “I wanted to tell him!. That was before I heard the horrible stories coming from the royal city…of how he killed his brother for the throne…and I realized right then that he was the man I fell in love with!.” A tear flowed down her cheeked and landed on the quilt!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
7 it need more details keep the readers on the edge of there seat you should make it more like he all of a sudden showed up to see the mother and saw lily and he asks who she is and she says i'm your daughter your own flesh and blood and he is stunned but furious that the mother didn't tell him how do you like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com

I like it, though there are many stories like this it seems!. It could potentially be a great story!.
Hmm Maybe Envy could be Reletain or Vascuel or something!. I don't know but something creative and original!.
I really like that this begins with a bang but I would describe how she feels a bit more since it is in first person!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

BOOOO!!!

LOL J/K!. It was cute! King Envy is kind of cringeworthy though!. You could try King Avund, which is "envy" in Swedish!.

I think you're a really good writer!. I'm just not into the fantasy stuff!. I'd love to see you post something not fantasy though!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Initial impact good - you go straight into the situation!. Mother has revealed shocking fact, daughter is shocked!.
Colloquial doesn't always work i!.e!. "Now if that's not evil, then I don't know what is!." Too modern, if , as you say, 'don't think it's modern times because it isn't!.'
Sentence: "I was too shocked, not to mention scared out of my mind to speak"!. This is maybe a little too clumsy!. What about:
"I felt scared, too shocked to speak!." Or maybe put in the comma after 'mind' which would make it two sentences!.
Repetition of the fact that Envy killed his brother for a throne!. Repeating something requires variation (unless you have one person echoing something they have just heard)!. Isn't it fratricide if you kill your brother!? Have the girl say that Envy carried out fratricide to get his throne, then have the mother use the phrase 'killed his brother' as she does!.

Otherwise, check your spelling and your grammar and carry on!Www@QuestionHome@Com