Question: Read a bit of my novel!?!?
Well heres the main idea, coming of age story!.!.!.called Suburbs!. The first chapter is about how she dislocates her knee in overly competitive ballet!. A girl snapped a necklace so she trips on it!. Her parents think its a good idea to stay away from dance for the summer so they send her to live with her 25-year-old aunt for the summer!. Her aunt just moved into a tiny condo-like complex with rows of white houses in the suburbs!. There she makes new friends, comes out of her shell, etc!. etc!.
June 23
THE DAY HAD CREEPT UP ON ME MORE RAPIDLY THAN I WOULD’VE EVER EXPECTED!.
Two months ago the ballet game got a little too intense!. I’d been chosen for a huge solo, I had managers waiting in a crowd of three thousand, to see me dance at the age of sixteen!. With my makeup shimmering along to my wanna-be-showgirl, bright orange leotard I was ready to go on stage!. Months!. Months I had been working on this routine, I was so ready to go show what I was made of!. Peeking around the curtain right before my cue was nerve-racking, But isn’t it always!?
I glanced across stage at Kitty and grinned!. She gave me the death stare and a smirk, of course!. She twirled a gold Mardi gras necklace in her fingers!. Kitty was always second best!. It ate at her every time I got a solo over her!. We didn’t quite get along!. Kitty was overly perky, a bottle blonde, always had an entourage and was very wealthy!. And with wealthy parents comes spoiled kids!. She was also insanely and unfairly gorgeous!. I’d always envied her confidence!. I on the other hand was pretty neutral, sarcastic and very… safe!. I didn’t have risks to make!. Me and trouble, we weren’t close friends!. And what had brought me and Kitty together and apart!?
Dance!.
Kitty and I had been friends in our earlier years, before the competition was so extreme!. Me and Kitty would hang out in the studio, paint each others nails baby pink, and talk about the spice girls!. Classics!. But when we were older her mom saw half the studio as a threat; we never ‘hung out’ again!. I hated it at first, the idea was stupid!. But when Kitty was just as harsh as her mom, I gave up on her and just, well, danced!. The competition got to her!.
Have you ever seen the pageant movies where the mothers go frantic backstage!? Taping up the girls’ chests and fixing last minute things, going over the answers for her question!? Well ballet was the same way, almost!. We didn’t tape up our chests, mostly because we don’t really have anything to tape up!. But ballet was just as competitive, the mothers are all backstage!. If you walk around you can hear every dancer being lectured in someway or another!.
So as you could imagine, if Kitty was bitter so was Mrs!. Freemont!. When Kitty had been casted as second-in-command to my solo her Mother freaked out!. Now I’m getting death stares from her mom too!. How mature!.
“Jenny,” someone shoved me on stage, “your cue!”
I turned to look back at who it was, too late!. I was center stage with the spotlight on me, time to dance!. I shot a mocking smile at Kitty, I was doing great!. With a glare she twirled away!. This was my big Jete and Developpe, the middle of my routine!. I heard something snap and hit the floor!. My long brown ponytail twirled along with my spins!.
It wasn’t me, so I kept going!.
I heard something rolling on the floor, I was worried, but confident somebody would pick it up!.
Wrong!.
The crowd gasped in unison!. I fell from beneath my feet and hit the floor with a ‘thump’!. I could’ve sworn I’d heard a popping noise while tripping!. Immediately I grabbed hold of my left knee, rocking back and forth!. Pure agony!. I’d felt like someone just took my leg and pulled in two different directions!. Within seconds at least six adults were closing me in, they all had the same expression, worry!. They grabbed hold of me and dragged me off stage!. What the hell had I tripped on!?
Kitty’s mom, Mrs!. Freemont, glanced up at the still going ballerina and smiled!. I followed the gaze and Kitty winked at her!. What the–!?
Gold Mardi gras beads were scattered across the stage!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
First off - Renesme - Get a new name - That's a bit obsessive - Not to mention the name in general is atrocious!.
But now - to your story!. Personally, it's not the kind of plot I go for usually!. But I agree, it's well thought out and original!. Though the Kitty character could be a little less cliche!.
I do love the way you can describe the characters, though!. Without actually just listing their attributes!. That's always been my downfall!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds good, keep it up!. Just be careful of how much of it you post, you don't want to have written someone else's new york times 1# best seller!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I kind of feel like I've read it before, you know!? It's a little cliche!. Focus more on your plot, it needs some more originality -- but I see the potential!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!! I really liked it and I think I would buy your book!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really liked it!.!.!.I want to read more haha! Great story line and wonderful detail!Www@QuestionHome@Com
What a little beyotch!. Haha it really makes you hate Kitty!. Cool idea for a story, and a great start!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like yours too, Its cool I guess were both authors :P I found myself glued to it!.!.!. and great detail, GREAT WORK!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i would definitely read the whole book!. hope you finish itWww@QuestionHome@Com
That's really good! I wanted to read more! :-) You should keep writing and put up some more of it so we can read it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Cool!. Not really my style, but i like it!. It's well thought out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I think that you should change Kitty up a bit!. I don't exactly think that you should put Kitty as a bottle blonde, maybe a dirty blonde or a brunette with high lights!.
The name Kitty has been used to many times, in my opinion!. Claudia, or maybe Renee, or Amy sounds good!. I would go with Amy, to be perfectly honest!.
Oh, and what's the name of your novel!? I want to read it!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!
I don't like the idea of 'Miss Pretty Popular Rich Girl Kitty' much!. She's a bit unoriginal, especially because you made her a blonde!.
Doesn't she really remind you of Amber from Hairspray!?
Even changing her from rich to 'middle upper middle class' would help!. Change her hair colour too!.
The overall plot could be a bit more complex!. I know that's kinda rich coming from me (Miss Never-Written-A-Good (Or Even Complete) -Plot)!. But I think the way that everything is fixed as soon as the girl moves is a bit boring!. She needs conflict!.
Maybe she could turn into a mean 'Kitty' girl without realizing it and come second to another girl in town!.
Don't forget to do something about the name, 'Suburbs'!. It's way too simple not to have been used before! Think of a name once you have finished the story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ahh i wana read more!! haha!.
i'm writing a book to but i havn't really started!.
This is really good though!. i can tell you must have thought it throughly!.
good luck with the rest!. i wannt to readdd it! lmao:DWww@QuestionHome@Com
An interesting story-
My Tip-
www!.fictionpress!.com
Fiction Press is a great website where you can read and write original fiction!. People can leave reviews and there are great forums!. You should sign up-it's much easier than posting on Y!A!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good premise and a good first draft!. A couple of suggestions though:
1!. Check the spelling and grammar since the mistakes are distracting!.
2!. I'd either swap to a third person omniscient narrator or even a first person omniscient narrator (maybe the aunt!?)!. If you are going to use first person as Jenny then you really need to think about language!. How does a 16-year-old really talk!? Who is she telling the story to!? Why!? This will all affect her language!. also, would she really use a phrase like "wannabe-showgirl" about herself!? Would a 16-year-old really wear an outfit she thought was wannabe!? etc!. If you swap to 3rd person, or the aunt then the language is fine as stands!. also, again, if the narrator is Jenny then be careful about her being too much of a show-off about being the best ballerina (unless you meant her to be like that!?)!.
3!. Be a bit more subtle about your characterisation, for example: don't reveal the characters' traits by describing them, but rather through their actions (you have done it with Kitty, we know she's mean and jealous because she plots with her mother to injure Jenny - that wink tells us everything we need to know); reveal Jenny and Kitty's friendship through a flashback later in the novel (maybe when Jenny meets a new friend she remembers how it all went wrong!?); add physical description to the narrative as you go (again, you've done it with Jenny and "my long brown ponytail", which is much better than lists of physical traits); don't just state character's backgrounds (e!.g!. "Kitty [!.!.!.] was very wealthy", instead show material wealth by describing it, e!.g!. she arrived in her convertible, piroetted on her ballet shoes imported from Italy, etc)!.
Anyway, hope that helps a bit! Good luck with it!Www@QuestionHome@Com