I pasted a clip of my story on here at
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
and based on the comments, I changed some things!. Can you read it and critique it!. all and any help welcome!. does it still sound like a teenager wrote it!?
My lips parted to release a yawn after the alarm buzzed off!. I sat up and ran my warm hands across my weary face and to my brown hair that was displaced with half in and half out of the ponytail because of the long night!.
I groggily got up off of the lavender bed sheet and walked clumsily to the bathroom across the hall!. It was decorated with a variety of bouquets and ocean blue carpets to match the dark azure countertop!. The shower curtain displayed a view of the ocean with a small seashore!. Mom has always loved decorating where possible!.
I cleaned my white teeth quickly and ran to my closet to get some decent clothes to wear to school!. The end result turned to a denim jean with a plain collared shirt, one of my most common ensembles!. The shower with its warm water and the building humidity fully woke me up!. I dried and pulled on my clean clothes with a slow, relaxed pace, just in time to wake the others!. They got to wake up about half an hour later than me because my high school opened up before their middle and elementary schools!.
I tiptoed into Eric’s dark room that exploded with action figure posters everywhere!. Eric slept soundly facing me on his stomach, breathing in and out slowly!. I smiled silently at his childish little face and then tapped the side of his shoulder!. One eye lazily rolled opened and blinked at me for a quick second and then instantaneously snapped shut!. A low mumble left his lips and he dived back into sleep mode!.
My hand tapped his shoulder slightly harder and I said softly, “Come on Eric!. Wake up!. You’re going to be late for school!.”
He flipped over onto his back and grumbled almost unintelligibly, “Why does Spring Break have to end so fast!? It feels like we never even have it!.” I didn’t answer, but I didn’t feel that way at all!.
He yawned and got up and I continued my round to Sam’s room!. She wasn’t as easy to wake up as Eric, but after a couple of tries, she gave in!.
When I walked into Sarah’s bedroom, my breath cut off because of the usual mesmerized shock!. It was like traveling to a whole other planet!. Her room was bare with almost no signs of Mom’s decorations!. She’d thrown everything away when they were gone!. In the decorations’ place was nothing but a small table that held fragrances and colorful candles!. Her room smelled of cinnamon and vanilla today, but despite the aroma, I felt as if I was enveloped in a warm blanket and just lost all of my tension!.
Sarah watched me from her bed while I marveled at her room!. A smug smile was pasted on her lips as her eyelids fluttered to a close!. I sighed silently, suddenly feeling extremely sleepy, and walked to her!. She rolled to the side to make room for me to sit, gazed at me, and placed her head onto my lap!. I stroked her wavy brown hair and peered closely at her eyes trying to find out what she was thinking!. It didn’t work, but I went on looking straight at her!. Her eye color was electric blue like mine, but a shade darker!. It could never be seen as the same as mine!. No one I knew had the same eye color as me!. I wished that was different!. It set me apart from everyone just because they were too bright!.
She spoke first!. “What are you thinking about!?”
I smiled and looked away!. “I was thinking about how much you’ve grown — actually, how much all of you guys have grown and changed over the past two years!.” She nodded and I sighed again!. “Well, it is time to get and I have to go make the lunches, so hurry!.” I patted her head and left the room’s mysterious spell!.
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