| Question Home |
Position:Home>Books & Authors> In need of opinions...Question: In need of opinions!.!.!. i know it's too early to grasp any concept or see any plot forming!.!.!. but i'd really like to know what you think of it and if i should continue with it!. i'm so critical of my stuff that i can never see if something sounds as well as it does to other people!. We kiss beneath the stars, my fingers forming trails through his hair, his arms like ropes around my waist, pulling me closer, closer, closer still, until my trembling knees collide with his for a mere glimpse of a second!. He pulls away!. “Is everything all right!?” “Yeah, yeah, of course,” I answer!. For now!. I lightly push him to the sandy ground, and while he looks at me with wild eyes, I can’t help but think this might not be the right place!. But how could it not be!? A night like this, every star in the northern part of the western hemisphere able to be seen, Polaris shining brightly at an angle down upon us, our two silhouettes becoming one single cohesive unit growing from the sand, the moon’s reflection on the small ocean waves behind us!. The scene would make all the Patrick Swayzes of the world go utterly insane with jealousy!. Reaching up, his hands grab the backs of my thighs!. I fall as if I were the last leaf in Fall, gracefully letting myself drop from the tree, ready to be with the others, ready to cover this land of which I’m heading toward, anxiously awaiting the moment when I fall into place, when I become that last piece of the puzzle!. I fall as if I were looking down from that tree, searching with my eyes until I find the outline of my figure sketched next to the one leaf I can perfectly fit into place with!. I fall beside him!. I’m ready!. I think!. I might be!. I hope I am!. I make the hint of these undecided thoughts by slightly pulling a fragment of his white Volcom shirt up toward his bronzed six-pack, trace my finger along the line of hair that burrows beneath his belt!. Then I stop!. Abruptly!. As if time had just frozen over!. Without pulling it back down, he sits up, looks at me with those eyes again!. Those wonderfully gorgeous eyes that can still be seen on the darkest of nights!. “I know what it’s like!.” He doesn’t need to clarify the subject!. I don’t need to ask!. He knows!. I know!. We know!. “How can you!?” I know the answer!. He knows I know!. We know!. We don’t need to remind ourselves!. “Trey figured it out!. That you’re here!.” Part of me wants to ask how, but I know!. I seem to know more than I bargained for!. “I told him to come here later!. You need to get things back to the way they were before—” “Before what, Braden!? Before I met him!? Or before she did!?” I turn to stand, but something holds me back!. Maybe it’s the thought that I knew we were past this!. That we’d been through the conversation countless of times, over and over again!. The words repetitive every single time!. I can recite them in my sleep!. Pulling me back to the sand next to him, he puts his nose to mine, looks me straight in the eyes, and I’m waiting for the “You’re beautiful”-then-kiss-me act where he thinks that’ll wipe the slate clean!. I’m waiting for his apology, his cowardly awkward joke, his thumb to wipe the tears about to fall from my closing lids!. But he does nothing!. He says nothing!. He just continues looking!. And I’m unprepared!. Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Wow!. Good writing!. It's intriguing; it immediately draws you in!. If it's the beginning, it's a good one!. It doesn't matter that we don't really know what's going on-that's usually the purpose of a beginning, to make you want to find out!. It's perfect!. I wouldn't change a word except yeah, make it autumn instead of fall!. 'Fall' twice in one sentence is rather jarring!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I thought it was really good!. There were a few things but thats fine!. Wow i want to read more lol!. Good jobWww@QuestionHome@Com some minor things-- i didnt like the Swayze thing I think it should be like the last leaf to fall in autumn not fall!. otherwise its good and of course i cant judge if it relates to the plot or not!. I like the wordplay, "i know!. he knows!. we know!." etc!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I feel like you've introduced too many characters at once and that you've assumed that your audience knows stuff they may not!. For instance, "We don’t need to remind ourselves!." Maybe not but I have no idea what you're talking about!.Www@QuestionHome@Com There is too much information dump!. You are trying to add metaphors and imagry and it isn't all working in your favor!. also, It is just too much like a play by play!. He does this!. I do that!. This is a huge problem with these kinds of scenes!. I think that is because too many inexperienced writers try to fill scenes like this with their own fantasies!. You haven't done a lot of character study on these people and it shows - especially in the dialogue!. It is very flat and dull!. It comes really close to bordering on Ed Cullen dialogue!. And please don't make the guy so perfect!. And we don't need to know what brand of shirt he is wearing!. It just comes off sounding silly!. Try working it a bit more!. Tweak it!. Tell me more about who these people are!. Reach my five senses more!. Make the characters more fleshed out and dimensional!. And give me some kind of a direction for the scene!. You say it doesn't show much plot forming, but it should!. Otherwise it is just a superfluous scene!. Every scene in a book should in some way advance the story!. How does this advance the story!? Those are the kinds of things you need to be considering when you write a scene like this!. Pax-CWww@QuestionHome@Com |