Position:Home>Books & Authors> Will you comment on my short story

Wow, the description is amazing! I didn't really understand what happened with Juno and the knife-wielding man, but otherwise it was fabulous!. The empathy of the characters and all the feelings you put across really were great! Oh by the way, you might want to change a bit, you put "the flash of his hand" instead of flesh and that last bit with Ana hugging her dad didn't quite make sense, just a word order thing!.
But don't worry because it really was a great short story with a twist!
And the whole thing with it being seperate scenes and apparently "confusing" is rubbush! The whole point is that they are seperate scenes to begin with but they all join up in the end, right!? And the first scene was in the not so distant future wasn't it!? Yeah, I pretty much understood most of it!.

But maybe you couyld change "raped" to scraped!? Sounds a bit!.!.!. you know!.!.!. :S

Oh, one more thing, I interpreted it as when the car narrowly avoided Ana, it hit the grandmother instead, yes!? I can't understand how your other Answerers didn't understand that! I just have a wider imagination I guess! xD It's suggestive writing instead of direct, that's all!. I think it's fabulous! :DWww@QuestionHome@Com

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I skimmed through it a bit!.

A lot of things seem to be happening "suddenly" in this story!.

And I’m a bit confused with how the first scene relates!. I get that they are going on a vacation, and that the grandmother died, but I got a bit lost somewhere in between!. Maybe because I didn’t read it thoroughly, but it was a bunch of different scenes, hardly related, jumbled together!. I just think everything happened really quickly!.

Well written though!.
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well, it was pretty good, but it looks like you could use a beta (an editor who fixes grammar, spelling, and helps with the plot) there were some things that were just too vague, or random!. If you would like, I would be willing to be a beta for you!. I already do my friends' stories, so i have some experience!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Its good! there are a few grammatical errors and a few misspelled words but apart from that an enjoyable read!. It is quite ambiguous towards the middle!. What happened to Juno!? I assume she was ok but it was hard to discern reality from dreams and the time line seemed to be extremely skewed!. But really good!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Sounds good, Are you on any writing sites!? I joined a writing community called http://www!.chapteread!.com I think you might find it useful!. They have great writing tools and posting features for getting critiques and reviews!. It's really easy ! and The other writers give helpful advice!. Worth checking out! I'd also like to read more of your work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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"Tires raped the tarmac road"!.!.I truly dont like the way that sounds!.

good story but very disjointed!. Some great descriptions!. Some bad ones too lol as in over described!.!.when the gran dies!.!.what happens!? Juno has a knife at her throat!? why!?!? Is Mr robinson aka Paul!.!.if not!.!.where did he come from!?!? Whats the time frame!? We go from mountain hiking, to traffic, to hospital and a knife attack, to a dead old woman, and a kid nearly hit by a car, yet they are going to enjoy their holiday anyway!?!? lol

still!.!.good work, needs back ground and explanations :)




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I liked your story,its very touching!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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its a sweet story
i like ur writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

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yo, it was pretty goodWww@QuestionHome@Com

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