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Question: Here's th preface and a little bit of the first chapter of a book im working on tell me what you think
it's a little long but please read it all i would have made a link but im not quite sure how do do that sorry!.

Preface
It all started a long time ago back when the world was one and its people lived side by side and lived for thinking of others before themselves!. Back when there was no war and no destructive leader!. Back when people could speak there mind and not be killed on sight!. Well, that was a long, long time ago!.
It all started with two princesses both of them very beautiful and loved by their people!. They were sisters!. They loved one another!. But corruption soon took its role on them!.




Princess Sophia had hair as bright as the sun on a summer’s day, she had hypnotizing blue eyes, and nearly always held a smile!. Princess Rosaline had hair as dark as a pine tree’s bark, her lips a faint pink, her green eyes only brought more beauty to her!. But when she smiled everyone couldn’t help but smile with her!.
When a baby was born that would have unthinkable power there would always be a strange birthmark on their left shoulder in the shape of either a lily or a rose!. There were only myths about the rose birthmark, it being so rare, the rose birthmark had only been heard through myths and tall tales throughout the years!. The day Sophia was born she bared a lily but Rosaline had a mark of the rose!.
Many fortune tellers told prophecies of the sisters when they were just toddlers!. Some told of how both sisters would be extremely wise and love everyone in the kingdom, others told of how both sisters would protect the kingdom from any monster that dare to try to harm it!. Both wrong!. The one everyone should’ve listened to was a prophecy that was told by a crazy old woman , the true prophecy,
“ Yes both princesses will grow to be beauties of the kingdom, but heed my warning, A princess shall betray the other, kill her and the kind king and queen, she will bring with her a army of darkness,”
Her voice grew tired and crackly yet louder at the same time!. Her gray scraggly hair flowed with the wind, her mole only barely noticeable, her pale wrinkled skin seemed less fragile then normal as the old women finished the prophecy!.
“There shall be a great battle of good and evil, fire and ice, one will die, the other shall bring only more misery and pain to the kingdom, she shall rule for four hundred years!. She will kill anyone that dare cross her!. But one day when we are long dead, everyone but the queen, and our great-great-great-grandchildren will only know misery and suffering there will be hope!. On her sixteenth birthday, a young woman shall come, she will kill the queen and our kingdom will once again be safe, she shall give her life to save us all and she shall prevail!. She will be the queen’s sister reincarnated!. The ice princess!. Heed my word for I have seen the future! All will be lost all will be destroyed, please listen to me!”
The old women pleaded with the villages that were listening to her, such pain and sorrow in her eyes!. Yet none of the villagers believed her, most walked away!.
“The princesses will love each other you daft old hag, what is one prophecy against a thousand!?” said a villager!. All the villagers that were left shook their heads in agreement……
They should have listened to the old woman… they should have listened!.

As the girls grew older their powers became clear, Sophia had the power of fire, but Rosaline had the power of ice!.



When Sophia was eighteen and Rosaline was sixteen the old woman’s prophecy came true!. No one knows why Sophia hated her parents and sister so, no one but Sophia herself, and her sister Rosaline!.
Sophia rode after Rosaline as she fled for her life!. Eventually they came upon a iced over lake, both girls stopped as the ice began to crack!. Rosaline got off her horse, Sophia did the same!.
Rosaline knew that she was going to die, but before she did she placed a curse on her sister!. Her voice was kind as it always was, such a innocent voice, but filled with a great sadness, “Dear sister I forgive you for what you are about to do to me, but not for what you shall do with this world, one day, four hundred years from this very day I will come back for you, and destroy you!.” Rosaline stood there she looked unafraid, so calm and peaceful, but still you could tell her sadness from a hundred miles away, such a strong sadness!.
Sophia laughed, a evil sickening sound!. “I’m about to kill you sister, tell me how you will come back and destroy me!?”
“I will have a reincarnation, it saddens me that she will have to die as well!.”
And with that Sophia killed her sister, no one knows how exactly all they know is that she was dead!.
That same night the old woman that had told everyone the true prophecy died in her sleep!. Sophia took charge of the kingdom!. The peaceful kingdom was doomed!.



Four hundred years have passed since then!. My name is Rochelle, and this is my story!.







Chapter one

“Rochelle!” I heard the innkeeper say!. She was shaking me in my bed!. “Rochelle you must get up!” my head was still dizzy from sleeping all day but I could still recognize the panic in the woman’s voice!. My mother!. I couldn’t tell why she was so frightened I quickly sat up on the hay bed and looked into her eyes!. She had the kindest face I had ever known, her hair was already gray and she was only in her early forties!. She had laugh lines and barley noticeable wrinkles along with a double chin!. And she had tears in her pale blue eyes!. I loved this woman more then anything!. And she was so panicked!.
“What is it mother!?” I asked her in a groggy voice!.
“The queen, she is coming my daughter!” She yelled!.
“Why!?” I asked her, now I was completely awake!.
“The queen fears the prophecy will come true she is stopping at every village and checking all the backs of the young women for the mark of the rose!.
“Then why are you so scared mother!?” I asked her!.
“The queen is killing all the girls even if they do not bare the mark!.” She replied studying my face!. “I cannot bare to loose you my child!.” A fresh tear fell silently down her cheek and onto my hair!.
“But there is nothing we can do mother!.” I calmly said, looking down!. Even though I said it calm my heart was racing so fast and loud I feared she could hear it!.
“You must run!.”
“What!” I yelled, “I cant mama I cant!.”
“You must, she took my husband and my son I will not let her take you!.” She pulled me close to her, snuggling my head into her chest and resting her head on mine!. I could feel her tears dripping on my head now!. “I will not let her take you!.” She repeated!.
I pulled away from her, her face was a blotchy red now!. “Mother what will happen if she catches me!?” I asked her already knowing the dreaded answer!.
“Then she will kill you my daughter!.” A new wave of tears fell down her cheeks!. “But then you would have at least tried!.”
I looked at her again and I knew that I had to try for her sake!. But I also felt it in my gut that something terrible was about to happen!.
“For you I will try!.” I smiled a weak smile then hugged her!.
“Rochelle I will only be able to tell you this once so please listen carefully!.”
“Yes mother!.”
“You will walk north in the town then you will find the forest, keep heading north until you find a waterfall, then you must head east until you reach a village!. Do not tell anyone your name, at the dead center of the village you shall find a small yellow cottage, give this to the man that will answer,” she pulled a small, dirty pouch from her apron handing it to me!. “Do not look at what is in this pouch until you reach the cottage!. Promise me you wont!.”
“I promise mother!.”
“Keep It hidden, no one but the man in the cottage can know about it nor see it!.”
I didn’t really know what to say so I nodded!.
“You must survive no matter what!.”
I nodded again!.
“Bring everything you will need for a two day journey!.”
I stared at her!.
“That is how long the journey will take Rochelle!. She added after studying my confused expression!.
I didn’t bother to nod this time!.
“When you get to the waterfall stop there and rest only the pure hearted are allowed there, but no sooner you mustn’t stop until you reach the waterfall!.”
“I will do my best mother!.”
It was her turn to nod then!.
Then we both stood there looking at each other!. I was so confused but I knew that she wouldn’t explain it to me again!.
“Hurry!.” she said calmly!.

I knew I didn’t have much time so I tried my best not to waste any!. I gathered two changes of clothes, dried food, and water!. My mother was pacing back and forth through the ancient room and as she did the wood creaked and creaked!. There was nothing left to do now, I had to leave!. My mother knew exactly what I was thinking!.
“You have to go now Rochelle!.” something about her face made me realize that there was something else she wanted to tell me but I didn’t ask!. And she didn’t tell!. I was at the door now, and about to twist the handle when she rushed over to me and hugged me again!. I held her tight and felt my own tears rush down my cheek!. “I will always love you my sweet, kind daughter!.”
“I will come back mother I promise you I will!.” I buried myself deeper into her shoulder!.
“Goodbye Rochelle I will pray for your safety!.”
“As will I pray for yours!.” I kissed her on the cheek and left the room, looking back for only a second!. Why was she looking at my shoulder!? And why did she still have that expression that there was something she wanted to tell me but couldn’t!? I put the gray cloak that was set carefully by the door on and left without knowing!.
I was on the run now, and I feared I always will be!.
I walked as fast as I could without being noticed, many of the villagers were panicked as my mother was and all were talking!. The village was small, but so many of the villagers were outside today that It was hard to get through them!. Many villagers tripped and stumbled, others were cradling they’re relatives!. It was too much to take I kept my head down not wanting to see anymore!. I wished I was blind!. But after a few minutes I finally found the forest!. I made sure none of the villagers were watching me, none were!. I walked faster and faster, until I was in the forest!. I quickened my pace until I was so deep inside the forest that I knew no villager could see me!. The smell was sweet, and I was overwhelmed by it , pine trees, flowers, berries, even the smell of the fresh grass!. It brought me a slight moment of peace!. I never dreamed something could be this beautiful!.
And then something else overwhelmed me, I was alone!. But it wasn’t just that, all the villagers knew me, knew my mother!. My mother!. The queen would kill her, she would know that my mother told me to escape, but before the queen would kill her she would interrogate her!. Asking her exactly were I was going, but I also knew mother would never tell, she would die a painful death!. All because she didn’t want to loose me!.
I had to go back!. But the villagers knew by now that I was gone, both me and my mother would die no matter what I did now!. I had to keep moving, but not for me I wasn’t doing this for me, I was making this journey for my mother!. I felt my heart start to break for her, I might never see her again!. A tear dripped down my cheek but this wasn’t the time to cry, I couldn’t brake down here, I had to make it to the waterfall by the day’s end and then rest!. I mustn’t let her down I had to try my best to make it, to survive for her!. I kept heading north!.
Then something took hold of me like I had been here before, something was guiding me I didn’t trip or stumble once!. It was as if I belonged here, like I belonged to nature!.
I walked and walked, the sun was almost set but still no sign of the waterfall!. I began to loose hope!. Then I smelt it, I never smelt anything like it, it was sweeter then berries or flowers even, it was the most amazing smell I closed my eyes and to my surprise I could picture the waterfall in complete detail, beautiful glistening rocks of every color of the rainbow, water as blue as the sky on a clear day!. The greenest grass and bushes surrounded it!. My eyes were still closed but I could feel my feet guiding me, showing me the way!. I didn’t open my eyes until my feet stopped dead in their tracks!. I opened my eyes!. I could feel my jaw drop, I was right next to the waterfall, the sound was amazing, birds chirping even though it was almost dark, the water rushing down into the stream, flowers of all sorts were surrounding the waterfall and stream, red, blue, green, colors I had never seen before!. I didn’t want to fall asleep but suddenly I felt my muscles in my legs start to give, and my eyelids were drooping!. I stared at it all one more time then laid down right next to the waterfall, taking my gray cloak off and using it as a blanket, and my bag as a pillow!. Shortly after I fell asleep, feeling so peaceful for the first time in my life!.
Even my dream was peaceful!. Not quite a dream because it was all of my best memories mixed into one!. The first part of the dream was when I was four and my father and brother were still alive, my brother was eight ears older then me, my brother, Alex had a huge grin on his face because he had finally beaten father at chest, he jumped for joy and everyone was grinning and laughing, especially my father, he shook hands with Alex and congratulated him!. I could tell Alex was getting just a tad bit fool of himself, his blonde hair was bouncing up and down along with him!. My father was considered very handsome, black hair, square jaw lines, a hint of a cleft was on his chin, his lips were pale, along with his whole body, his eyes were gray, at four years olds I never understood why!. But now I did!. My father was just a slave to the queen, he and all the other men were constantly working, I had even heard of some of the men dying from being pushed too hard!. And then there was my mother her lips were full, she was absolutely beautiful, her hair was the same color blonde as my brother, she was skinny, and her face was almost a perfect oval!. My mother had changed so much since the day my father and Alex died, I knew that she had to watch them die, but I didn’t know how they died that was something I could ask her, something I never wanted to ask her, and she never told me!. Me peaceful dream was starting to get blurry so I stopped my thoughts dead in my tracks and let the dream play out!.
My whole dream was full of the time I had spent with my family, but that only included seven ears of my life!. My brother was only fifteen when he died, my father was my father was forty two!.
Suddenly I awoke, my head was dizzy and I carefully got up so I wouldn’t get a headache, then I heard it!. A voice!. A boy’s voice!. I leaped to my feet and hid behind a bush, I didn’t dare run!. I didn’t dare make a sound!. Not so much as a gasp!. But hadn’t my mother said that only the pure hearted were allowed entrance to the waterfall, I didn’t take a chance!. Then I heard footsteps, I had to look something was telling me that I had to look!. I put my head at the side of the bush knowing that whoever was there wouldn’t be able to see me!. Then I saw him!. He looked to be fifteen or sixteen!. I could tell by the way his face was not yet squared off and still in a way kidish!. His hair wasn’t very long but it went into his eyes, he was tan unlike every other boy I had seen in my village, he was not from the village!. He was one of the queen’s soldiers!. I felt my heartbeat speed up and know I tried my hardest to stay still, he was dressed in all red!. He carried with him a sword that was still in its sheath!. How had he been able to get here!? Why!? Only the pure hearted were allowed here!. He bent down towards the waterfall, and I was able to get a better look at him!. His eyes were brown, but so sad, I gazed at them for a long time, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t move my eyes, he wasn’t staring back but there was something about his eyes!. I stared in shock I felt at though I knew him but didn’t!. I stared and stared until my stomach started to flutter!. Why did I have the sudden urge to go over to him!? I was finally able to take my eyes from his, he was so close to me it seemed, I stared at his clothes, then I saw something on his head, and then I realized exactly what he was!.
He was not a soldier of the queen but a son, not a real son, the queen liked to think of it that way though, there were five, all of them had been stolen from they’re families when they were just babies!. The queen had known that soon a day would come when the ice princess would come back!. She feared it, she wanted a powerful army!. All of her sons bared the mark of the lily all had the power of fire!. All could take down a brick house with just a punch!. The mark of the lily was hard to find and most common on girls, but she didn’t want any girls in her army she killed any baby girl that had bared the mark!. But any boy she kept and raised it as her own!. They were evil and had as dark a heart as the queen!. She had sent her sons to the village to kill the girls!. But if that was true how had that boy come here, to the waterfall!? Why was I not frightened of him even know when I knew who he was!?
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
wow that is so good i can't belive ur only a teenager n could wright that good of a story i can't wait until this is finshed u should send it to a publisher to get published i garnette it would sell thousands good luck with ur story Www@QuestionHome@Com

That is super cool! I am going to be critical so PLEASE don't take anything offensively!. here it goes:
-First off, get it spell checked!.
-I think you mean Chess, not chest!.
-I think you should explain her relationship with her mom and any other villagers!. Does she have any friends who will notice she's gone!? What kind of personality does her mom have!?
- Don't end the chapter there!. I would add a little more!.
-Nice suspense and stuff, but you don't want it to be too confusing!. I think that You want a little bit of the suspense and action at the beginning but if you use it too much then readers get sick of it!. You don't want to just leave a whole bunch of mysteries and loose ends in the beginning because you'll have to go back and tie them all up later!.
-KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!
-DON"T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!

I think you should definately keep working on it! It has great potential and I want to keep reading! you should E-mail it to me! that would rock!. just go to my page! I would so read it and I'd love to give you more pointers!. I hope that this was helpful and that everything works out good with your book!
-TerrWww@QuestionHome@Com

for starters:
making a link is easy!. just copy and paste the url!.


the very first sentence of the preface is too long!. too wordy!. almost a run on!. it almost made me want to click 'show me another' and move onto another question!.
grammar is more important than people think!.
the sentence--"it started with two princesses!.!.!.!." needs some punctuation!. [still in preface]
the preface gives away too much!. it should be clever, make the reader WANT to keep going, and still relate to the book!. and yours didn't have that affect!.


the writing is fair!. story telling the same!. everything is too fast it seems!. and yeah, i get you started in the middle of a scene, which is good!. dialougue is always a good way to start off!. but still!. you could slow it down a bit!. and you could elaborate it more too!. make it a little interesting!.

i'll edit more as it comes to me!. good job and good luck =]Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is a great story so far! Yes, I know it's long but I did read it all because I have nothing better to do tonight!. Keep writing! Your good!

P!.s!.!.!.GOODLUCK!.!.!.;-)!Www@QuestionHome@Com