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Question: I'm writing a story!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. do you like the first chapter!?!?
“Alli!?, are you awake, love!?” A sweet voice whispered in my ear!. I opened my eyes to find a face I only imagined in my head when I read the Twilight series (by: Stephanie Meyer) !.“Wah!? Edward!? Is that you!? What!? Your real!? I -I-I-I-” I almost yelled!. “Shh, yes I am real!.” He replied smoothly!. “Did you call me “love” !?” I whispered excitedly!. “Yah, I love you” he said sweetly!. Holy **** is this really happening!. I have adored Edward ever since I read “Twilight” when I was 11!. “Yes, love this really happening” he answered my thought!. Oh, I forgot he could read minds!. Crap its going to be hard to keep secrets with him!. OMG, Zach! “Who is Zach!?” He asked!. “Stay out of my head! Okay!? Please just stop listening to my thoughts!. This is my life!. My business! You shouldn’t” My voice trailed off!. I got up and ran down the stairs to my kitchen!. I rushed into the fridge to pour myself a glass of orange juice!. I’m probably just imagining things!. I haven’t even thought of Edward since I read Breaking Dawn!. Why would he randomly appear in my life right now!? If he is real!. Why was I so rude!? This could be my only chance! But, Zach!? He has been my boyfriend since the beginning of eighth grade!. How could I dump him for Edward!? I have to talk to my friends about this!. I quickly gulped down my orange juice!. Holy ****! what am I wearing!? As I looked down I realized I was wearing a ratty t-shirt that reached down to above my knees!. Crap! I ran upstairs to grab my cell phone!. When I got upstairs I looked at my night stand noticing my cell phone was unplugged from the charger and not were I left it!. EDWARD! “I thought you didn’t want me to look at your thoughts!.” he smirked!. God, I love that smile!. I wish I had a camera!. “I don’t want you to read my thoughts!” I yelled again!. “Shh, love, if you don’t want me to read your thoughts!. Don’t yell my name in your head!. Er, you have a boyfriend!?” he added sadly!. “Um, yah!. But I would dump him in a second for you!. Um, I cant believe you are real! How do you know me!?!!?!!?!” I questioned!. “Well, lets see!. Almost on every website my name was on you wrote “EDWARD CULLEN OME I LOVE HIM!!!” he mimicked me in a girly screech!. “also, I looked on your myspace!. And I love your layout!” he finished with another smirk!. Well maybe I shouldn’t date him…!. When every girl finds out he is real they will be crawling after him!. And I am sure he would fall for some gorgeous chick!. “ Please, Alli, use your words I hate hacking into your mind to hear your response!. And no girl is more gorgeous then you!. I will love you forever!. And do you really think girls will be crawling after me!?” he answered and questioned!. Yah they will!. What happened to Bella!?!!?! “Please, Alli, talk! Bella isn’t real!. Only Alice and I are!. don’t ask why!. I am not sure!.” he replied!. “I LIKE TALKING IN MY HEAD!” I almost yelled again!. “Wait, Bella isn’t real!? Alice I wanna meet Alice!!!” I yelled again as I ran down the stairs and out the door still in my pjs!. Edward beet me outside!. “You seem more excited to see Alice then me!.” he said sadly!. “Aw, trust me!. I am still in shock!” I said insuring him!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
PERFECT, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT, BEST THING I'VE EVER READ EVER!. EVER!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Okay, the problem with this is that you just wrote simple sentences after simple sentences!. You had no vivid descriptiveness to help the reader imagine a scene!. You also need to get the reader connected to the characters to feel all that they feel!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's too hard to read, too many spelling and grammatical errors and one long paragraph!.

And it's "yeah" NOT "yah!."

And you only use one "!?" and/or "!" not multiple!.

Your ellipses should only be three dots, not a whole bunch and you're using it incorrectly anyway!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

too bad it's based Twilight!. Because this can't ever get published because it's a fan-fiction!.

I didn't say I hated it!. So don't take this as rude!. I'm just saying--if you were looking to publish this-you kind of can't!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Obsessive! I'll have you know that I am in love with him, too, so keep your distance, okay!? This is my arena, and I am a writer!Www@QuestionHome@Com

thats actually kinda funny!. i cant tell if you love twilight a lot or absolutely hate it and are making a mockery of it though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sorry, but this is crazy, your edward sounds more like in Breaking Dawn, and i hated him there!. And something wrong with your imagination!. Sorry again!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Seperate the paragraphs!. Then I'll read it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

If you're only writing to make yourself happy, then fine!. If you want people to read your work, then you have to learn to write dialogue properly!. I think your dialogue's good, but I'm not sure! Everything's all jumbled up in one great paragraph!. I really would be tempted to leave this Stephanie Meyer and Twilight bit out!. Don't base your characters on someone else's work!. Try this!.
"Alli!? Are you awake, love!?" a sweet voice whispered in my ear!.
I opened my eyes to find a face I only imagined!.
"Wha--!? Edward!? Is that you!?"
See how the dialogue's paragraphed and indented!. Give it a try, and PLEASE lose S!. Meyers!
Good Luck
Mike B!.
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Haha, lol!. But why aren't Emmett and Jasper real!? I like them too!. ^_^

It's a fun little piece to amuse yourself with, but other than that it's not very good!.

That Edward would just show up and wake you to reveal his undying love doesn't seem plausible at all!. I think it's more likely that you'd find out he was real and start stalking HIM on the interweb!. ^^; Then he notices you and somehow falls in love (eventually anyway)!. lol!.

It's hard to follow in some places, but a lot of that is probably that you didn't work out your paragraphs!. Formatting it will make it a lot easier to read!. ^^

Have fun writing it!. ^__^ It doesn't matter what the rest of us think so long as you like it!. That's what fanfiction is for, right!? Fun!? ^^Www@QuestionHome@Com