Position:Home>Books & Authors> PLEASE CRITIQUE THIS_Can YOU tell me what you think about my story and give me f

It really got my attention partly because it was about the JONAS BROTHERS and I love them!. Nice job with the humor and it would've kept me going if you seperated each paragraph!.

Remember, every new idea gets its own paragraph!. Every character gets his/her own paragraph!. That was my first mistake too!.

It would read like this:

The Jonas Brothers are in Escapade, Florida on tour!. They've been driving for hours!. (WHO WAS DRIVING EXACTLY!?) Nick is sitting on the floor and his head is resting on the couch!. Joe plops down on the couch and puts his feet out, relaxing!.

All of the sudden(,) Nick jumps up and accidentally knocks over Kevin's guitar!. Joe throws a pillow at his head!. "dude!.!.!.!." Nick says(,) and his face reads(,) "what the fuq(!?)"

Joe whispers(,) "(B)e quiet!. Frankie finally stopped running around all over the bus and fell asleep!. If you wake him up you can play hide and go seek with Joe's hair straightner and $1,ooo shoes(!.)"

Nick gigles, "(D)eal!. but if you don't move those stinky feet from behind my head I'll make sure Frankie is up and you guys can finish your little game!."

Nick says with a mischevious up(-)to(-)no(-) good "yeah I did it" smile on his face!.

Joe gets up from his seat and sits shot gun with his dad!. "Dad!.!.!.!.you know if you get tired I don't mind taking the wheel-"

"No Joe!." His dad responds without hesitation!. (TRY PUTTING THIS INFRONT LIKE, 'With hesitation, his dad responds, "No, Joe!." )

"Dad!.!.!.!."

"We are not getting in a car accident that can be prevented Joe!."

Joe laughs a bit then looks out the window at swamps and trees!.



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You have to improve your sentence structure and dialogue!. Remember, everything has to flow smoothly!. By what I've read, I saw pauses and stops that shouldn't be there!. I mean, there are ways to make each sentence flow nicely into the other one!.

Try taking up a free online writing course at www!.writing!.com!. My username there is tepishane_13!. add me!.

I think you also have to make us feel the Jonas brothers' characteristics, attitudes and the like!. What are they really like!?

If you want to be a sucessful writer, I suggest you start making your own ideas and themes, not fanfic!.

Overall, it was really good becauce I felt like I was in the car!. Oh, btw Good description!.

Feel free to e-mail me!. tephrobillos@yahoo!.com

GOOD LUCK!

-tepishane-

EDIT: I read your story again and I couldn't leave this question without telling you about this:

THIS is your version:

"I was watching you earlier!." Joe said, Xaria had a shocked facial expression (DON'T SAY THIS!. JUST SAY THAT SHE WAS SHOCKED!. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF EXPRESSION, THAT'S WHAT YOU FEEL UNLESS IF IT'S FAKE) "Oh!.!.!.really!.!.!.you were!.!.!.!.*gulp (NOBODY SAYS "GULP!." THEY DO IT) !.!.!.watching me!?" she said "haha not in the creepy way!. I saw you and your friend laughing in the rain!. Not something you see every day!." Joe said!. (WHY DID YOU CHANGE THE TENSE!? WEREN'T YOU NARRATING IN PRESENT TENSE EARLIER!?)

NOW, LOOK AT MINE:

"I was watching you earlier!." Joe says!.

"Oh! re-really!? you were!.!.!.!." Xaria gulps, "!.!.!.watching me!?" (HERE, THE EXCLAMATION POINT SHOWS THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED, NOT SHOCKED)

Joe grins and laughs,"Not in the creepy way!. I saw you and your friend laughing in the rain!. Not something you see every day!."

YOU can omit the she says, he says if they talk continuously!. In this case, though, Joe had to laugh while he said something so you should show it!.

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You style is the kind used for script writing!. If you want to write a book, you can't say *gulp* or *haha*

That's all!. I hope you benefited from this!. Gosh!. I still have to make my project!. Oh no!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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