Position:Home>Books & Authors> The first 3 pages of my novel....Please let me know what you think! Love constru

*this is MASSIVE [!] but I wanted to critique this, very much!.!.!.
What I saw through the link only said Page 1, and though I hit 'next' I only got someone else's work!. I hope I've read all you wrote!. It ended in the truck with the Dad!.
Here is my constructive criticism:
1!. You have the same year written, 1994, for when the mother dies and when she discovers a lump two years previously!. Change that second mention to 1992!.
2!. Too many sentences begin with 'And!.' Use it, but only for the most dramatic moments!. Don't overuse it!. (Then you jump to 1996, right!? But don't write that!.)
3!. Re: sentence "I was considering opening the truck door and jumping out!." = passive voice writing!. Stick to the active voice your story is mostly in (a very good writing voice)!. Example: "I considered opening the!.!.!." (<--it's that easy!.)
4!. 'Imagined funeral' is okay as is, except error in "Kevin thinking about the last time we had sex, (<--no comma here) was the last time he saw me!." Reading sentences outloud helps judge when you pause a bit and when you don't!.
6!. In many sentences where you have commas, you can use the word 'and!.' Ex!. of 'better': "I checked my bandage and put my backpack on the counter and watched (drop the passive 'as,' it's unnecessary) the strap fall into the sink!."
7!. Nauseous!.
8!. Examples of changing passive voice writing to active (my work, which you can take or leave; or work with):
"I saw my father at the counter, looking at newspapers!. I considered going to him, but instead I walked behind the row of chips and back to the truck!." (just drop unnecessary words and stay away from verbs like 'would have' etc!.)
9!. "Thought you could use some caffeine (<--need comma here), you must be tired!." Stay in active voice here!. Ex!. of 'better,' Dad speaking: "Sorry it took me so long!. I just checked the papers to see if we were in them!."
10!. Watch verb tense in next sentence!. Instead of "!.!.!.and try his best!.!.!." it must be "!.!.!.and tried his best!.!.!.!."
11!. Suggest "I smiled a bit" rather than the passive "I smiled as much as I could!." ('as' = unneeded prepostion = passive; 'could' is also passive in this instance)
12!. Suggest "When the truck pulled on to the ramp, everything started spinning" : in order to stay in active voice!. Because: "And then as!.!.!." = passive!.
13!. Comma needed: "Dad (<--comma here), pull over!." Commas are always used before or after a person's name when s/he is addressed in dialogue!.
14!. Must use adverb form here: "I opened the door as quick(ly) as I could!.!.!."
15!. Comma: "No (<--comma here), I'm fine!. I'm cold!.!.!.!."
16!. Comma: "I'm a wreck (<--comma here), Ruth!.!.!.!."
17!. Verb tense and commas: "But right now (<--comma here), sitting in his truck (no comma needed) on a snowy off-ramp (<--hyphen needed), he sat (not "cries" but "crying")!.!.!.!."
18!. Suggest: "I knew it wouldn't last long!. (period here; keep this punchy, edgy, with shorter sentences!.) Like I said, it was only a glimpse, as fleeting as the patrons of!.!.!."

This is a very good story!. I really like what I read!. You usually use active voice writing, which few people on this site do!. I like the subject, the action, the details doled out in bits and pieces!. It's good!. You're the real deal!. My mother died as I held her hand!. You're the real deal!.
*Suggest you take this offline if you plan to publish through the normal channels to get a book you're paid for, instead of paying for self-publication!. Find a mentor you trust to help you with a bit of editing!.
To learn more about active and passive voice writing, follow this link and hit the 'Voice' and 'Verb' links in the Content box:
http://en!.wikipedia!.org/wiki/English_Gra!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Why does this seem so familiar!? Did you post a paragraph from this earlier!?

Okay, hm!. It's not bad!. But sorry, I started skimming it after about 4 paragraphs!. Your character starts off way too emotional, it's not something I can easily get into!. In fact, the drama kind of starts too early!. Which can be good and bad!. Good, because it pulls the reader in but bad because there isn't much development!. And then by the middle the reader might be tired of the drama, might get a little dull!.

But anyway, I suck at reviews!. I'm sorry!. It's a rough draft anyway, so I'm not going to critisize too harshly!. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give you a 7!. I hope someone can give you a more detailed review so you can know what you need to work on!. I'm just not very good with constructive criticism!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Nice, just a few points:

1!. "The blanket covering her thin body was the same color as her eyes!. Our eyes!. I stared at the blue blanket " - this doesn't ring true and feels forced!.!.!.!.!.like you're trying too hard!. I think something like "The blanket covering her thin body was the same pale blue as her eyes!. Our eyes!." Or "dusky" or "watery", whatever!.

2!. Your time feels funny - by this I mean the tense in which it is written!.!.!.it seems to waver too much between past & present!. It should stay in the present while looking at the past a little more clearly!. I hope this makes sense!. As an example - "Watch the road” I said, staring at the snow covered trees lining the road!. I couldn’t believe this was happening!. It’s funny how the whole world can change in a matter of hours!. My father and I had never really been good at talking to one another!. And the last couple of years, we rarely talked at all!." This doesn't flow!.!.!.!.perhaps use a simple change such as OVER the last couple of years!.

3!. And, honesyly, the whole blue blanket-blue billboard thing is just too cliched!. It doesn't work!. I understand what you're trying to do, but as a reader I instantly felt almost offended at what you were trying to lead me to believe!.

Sorry if these were harsh, but you asked ;) It is very good though!.!.!.keep going!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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WOW! I loved it!. What a great beggining!. It surely captured me!. I almost got the sense that I was reading a book similar to Jodi Piccoults!. You are very talented and I hope you continue on!. Best of luck to you!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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wow, it took a while for me to finish, but I love it!
p!.s!. i really want to read the finished bookWww@QuestionHome@Com

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wow!. wow!.
There's some grammar errors, but overall, I'm very impressed and moved by that piece!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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www!.fantasywriters!.synthasite!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com

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I love it! You did a great job on it!.
I suggest you keep working on that book!.
Good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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