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Question: Please tell me whether this is a satisfactory beginning!?
Beatrice Martinez sat thinking, “I wonder whether I will ever be married to someone whom I really love!?” Strands of her silky brown hair fell across her brown brow as a gentle breeze began to caress her young and maturing body!. Hot tears began to spill from her brown sad eyes, the saline liquid stinging them!. She wept not because she was sad or unhappy, but because she was filled with emotions, which she could not comprehend!. Her quinsenera party that announced to the world that she had become a woman was a lie because deep down Beatrice felt vulnerable and frightened!. She wished she had someone whom she trusted to confide in!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Allow me to ask, "the beginning of what!?"
If it is a story you are writing then I would have to say that you have the imaginative skills to become a writer!.
I hope you won't be offended however if I say that you do not display the "mechanics of writing" which can only be learned by taking courses in "creative writing"!.
Your love story is there in your mind!. Even some of the characters such as Beatrice are becoming delineated as you write!. But writing requires a thorough knowledge of sentence structure, grammar and writing style!.
As an example please pick up your copy of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, open it anywhere and read a paragraph out loud!. Every word paints a picture, simple, visible and eloquent!. That is the essence of writing!.
Most classes use Hemingway's "Old man and the sea" as an example of great simple writing!.
Without being over critical, in your one paragraph you omitted the very essential capital, the spelling and the tilde necessary in the word " Quincea?era"!. And in the last sentence you ended it with a preposition, e!.g!. "whom she trusted to confide in" !.
These are such stupid trivial errors but you would be surprised as how "prickly" critics and publishers are about such things!.
If you have the passion to write you will surely learn the art and science of writing!. Much good luck in your quest!.
RWM (a published author of short stories and articles)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Not bad--I have a few suggestions for improvement!. Please double check the spelling of quinsenera!.!.!.I'm 95% sure it's mispelled and nothing makes a reader or editor lose interest in the mood you are developing than sloppy spelling and writing!. You might also want to look into using fewer adjectives!.!.!.for example "young" or "maturing", not "young and maturing!." That may help with the wordiness!. Economy of language is the key to quality writing, in my opinion!.
Keep writing and join or start a writers group where you can get constructive feedback in person!
AmyWww@QuestionHome@Com
well, idk, if its a beggining of the story i think, it gets confusing!.
why is she crying!?
why all of a sudden is she worried about getting married!?
its a good prologue though!.
oh and also, the word brown is very rebundant!. try a thesaurus!
but other than that, i love your writing style!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I have to be brutally harsh!. I don't want to be mean, but it's insipid twaddle!.
This is not necessarily a bad thing; for example, writers of mills and boon books make good money out of insipid twaddle!.
It just lacks substance, and the descriptions are far too cliché!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it is a very good start!. It kept my attention!. I like the pace of the piece, i agree you should find another word to replace "brown"-you used it a couple times!. Perhaps "Stands of her silky auburn hair"!.!.!.!.Excellent start!. Great job! keep writing!
Please take a look at mine as well!.!.!.!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
Cheers!Www@QuestionHome@Com
how about find some alternative descriptive words!. Unless you are making a point by describing everything as brown!?
It has potential but its not really drawing me into the story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
not bad!.!.!. try using a word other than brown to describe the color!. it becomes a but redundant!. otherwise not bad!.Www@QuestionHome@Com