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Question: Here's a little bit of my story "The forbidden passage!." How is it!?
Here it is!. How is it!? Oh and I grammar checked it!. So if I missed anything tell me, okay!?
While sitting in my darkened room with nothing that belonged to me, not my dresser, not my bed, and not even my own soul!. That is if I had a soul…!. Thinking about what I’ve done in my long immortal life!. Killing people so that I could survive, taking people away from there loved ones, and stealing their life to fill my own!. I once tried to kill myself after killing a boy I had fallen in love with!. I was 14 and he was 16!. It was the day he told me how he felt…that he loved me!. I asked if he loved me enough that he would join me in my world!. He didn’t understand at first what I was talking about… However, when I showed him my long sharp teeth he understood!. He started to throw things at me books, lamps, anything he could reach!. I tried so hard not to lose my temper!. But the more he threw at me the more my temper was being yanked away from me!. I ran up and grabbed him by the shoulder’s!. And asked why he was doing this!. And asked if what he said was all a lie!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Your a very good writer!.
I'm trying to write my own story and i can tell you it's not as good as yours!.
i love how your sentences!. Their mixed up!. not all simple!. ya know!?
Anyways I think it's great :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
What I like:
I really like your imagery, and your sentence structure!. Your vocab is okay, you may want to improve on it, though!.
What you should work on:
It just basically needs some clean up!. There are some run-on sentences, and you need to make use of commas and colons!. also, a paragraph focuses on one topic!.
:-)Www@QuestionHome@Com
right when its in bookstores im going to read it! im writing a book like that about a boy who for some reason no one likes and he finds a diary of a girl who is dead and she wont stop haunting him!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. it has vampires in it!. does it sound good, i think you story sound really good, better than mine!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sound really good if you could when your done publish it or some thing ReEALLY GOODWww@QuestionHome@Com
Your main problem is there is too much telling and not enough showing!. And there is a risk with first person that it gets a bit repetetive (I did this!.!.!.I did that!.!.!.etc, etc!.)!. It wasn't really attention grabbing enough to make me want to read on!.
The sentence structures, to be honest, bugged me a lot!. They were very short and jerky which means there's not much flow to the writing!. It could do with some more interesting vocab; a good way of improving this is to read a lot, and you could check out http://www!.freerice!.com
Check out http://www!.youngwriterssociety!.com
You can get some great tips and some honest and helpful critiques on your work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com