Question: Can you please read this!?
i corrected all my mistakes and added some material!.
please say your opinions on this, thanks a lot in advance
I had to get away from this place!. There was darkness everywhere I went!. Suddenly there was a person right in front in me!. He caught my hand and started squeezing it very hard!. I felt his fingers dig deep into my forearm!. I felt blood trickle down my arm!. I started to feel scared!. Now there was definitely no way out!. Suddenly a figure appeared out of nowhere!. Then two more figures appeared!. They were here to rescue me!. Yes!. My own knights in armor come to rescue me!. They attacked the person who was in front of me and he disappeared in a flash of light!. My three saviors took off there helmets!. It was those three guys who keep following me around everywhere I go!. They followed me to the movies, park, and even the library!. I screamed in shock and I woke up!.
I lay awake in sweat!. My bed sheets were all wet, and I was gasping for air!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think there are some areas that need to be expanded whilst others needs less focus then you have given them!. The 'person' who grabs your character needs some clarity!. Perhaps rather than stating that a person is in front of the character you can just have someone grabbing the hand in the darkness!. Note that this poses the question over who this 'person' is and the readers will be expecting to find out who they are!. If this mysterious person in the dream isn't going to be the focus of your story I would shift the story around a bit!. For example if the 'knights' (note at one point you say there are 2 and then there are 3) are the focus perhaps start by featuring them before the rescue!. Likewise if the sister isn't a prominent feature in the story the whole part of her scaring your main character seems unnecessary!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
well , there are no major grammatical errors , but do u know that microsoft word has an option of checking for spellings & errors !? !?
moreover , whats the point of ur story !? i suggest u go easy on the drugs & switch to good leafy vegetable diet , ,
good luck !Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think you used the word "suddenly" a little too often!. "Suddeny" isn't a good word to use in a novel, (when it sounds like it shouldn't be there) at the very most it should be used only once in your excerpt - i don't know why, but it just makes it sound bad!.
also, your sentences are too short - they sound like fragments!. try combining two sentences when possible to make the sentence structure more complex and mature!.
I also find that there are too many stories that start with the character dreaming and then waking up to find that what just happened was just a dream - is the dream really necessary!? I find it's not very original!. However, if you like it that way, then don't change it!.
I agree with the person above that the sister might not need to be there - what was her point/purpose!? It sounded like you just thought of her and put her there!. Therefore, unless you're trying to show something about her there, you might consider taking her out!.
Cut out anything that's unnecessary and that weighs your story down - get to the core of it!.
Best of luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com