Question: Is my writing any good!?
This is just a short preface I came up with and it doesnt really tell much about the books plot but I wanted to know what you guys thought about the writing!. like, do I sound to childish!?
Critiscm is welcome
Out” said a deep old ladies voice…somewhere in the background!. “Are you hearing me!? If you cant listen here in my class you can leave” it said!.
I could feel my arm falling asleep, it was holding my face up!. Flashes of a house with its windows wide open came to me!. It was nighttime, and it was raining, only this time I saw that house from the outside!.
“GET out of my classroom!” The woman shouted and I flinched but was still caught in a strong daze…
“Lena” a childs voice echoed through my head!. “Lena!?”
“LENA!” the woman shouted and I jumped up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
What I like:
I really like the story itself!. It sounds VERY original, no vampires or school cliques (lol), and it keeps me guessing!. I also like the way you do dialouge!. There's a lot of talent in your writing, keep up the good work :-) I also think you have really strong vocab, which is good, because it keeps your work from sounding juvenile!. Another thing I noticed was your great use of sensory detail!.
What you should work on:
You do have a few spelling errors!. Just run a quick spell check and you'll be fine!. I also noticed that you're not using commas or colons quite as much as you need to!.
In short, your story is AWESOME, just clean it up a bit!. ;-)
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
this sounds good and i would read it!. now for the critisism!.!.!. there is none!. it is very original!. i love it!. Dont ever give upWww@QuestionHome@Com
goooooooooooood! i write, too i write horror, but if youre writing realistic i hate that , sometimes, but this sounds good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
sounds great to me, do me a favor, when your a best selling author, send me an autographed book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like it!. nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's !.!.!. okay!. The grammar is horribly messed up!. And I don't know enough about the plot to tell you if I like it or not!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Grammatically, it's a wreck!.
Plotwise, it's hard for me to tell where it is going given the brevity of the passage, but I'll give a quick pointer: why is the narrator withholding the teacher's name!? Calling her "it" etc!.!? It's in first person and Lena obviously knows her name, so why not tell it to us!?
also I got lost after the jump, maybe because it doesn't come clear until later how she "got in trouble!." And who is the "child's voice"!? Is it a student!? Would a child refer to a peer as a child!? It's almost like qualifying them as something different, so it's a bit off putting!.
You don't sound childish, but it does need some work in execution and a lot of questions are raised just in the first couple paragraphs!.
I think it is far better to be straightforward with readers, or at least feed their curiosity shortly thereafter!.
"Out," said Mrs!. Frizzle!. It was the deep, aged voice of a woman close to death, rasping in echoes through the background of my thoughts!. "Are you hearing me!? If you can't listen in my class, you can leave!."
etc!. etc!.
also, use italics instead of caps!. Not as jaunting to a reader and has the same exact effect of emphasis!.
Though again, everything I've said about the plot etc!. is just based on the small excerpt I've read!. I may not be accurate based on the entirety of the piece!.
Best of luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The Good:
I love your detail!. :) And your use of words isn't so bad either!. Thank you for making separate paragraphs instead of sticking it all together!. That's nicer on the eyes and the correct way of doing it!. :D
The Bad:
Lot's of grammar errors, and some spelling!. Your sentences are also kind of choppy and don't flow to well!. It's not appealing to hear if you read them out loud!.
Some errors I'll point out and my suggestions to correct them!. Although things like commas and apostrophes have to be there in order for you to be grammatically correct!. If I added any words, those can be omitted if you don't want them:
You said:
Out” said a deep old ladies voice…somewhere in the background!. “Are you hearing me!? If you cant listen here in my class you can leave” it said!.
A Suggestion:
"Out," said a deep lady's voice coming from somewhere in the background!. "Are you listening to me!? If you can't listen to me here in my class, then you can leave!" she said!.
You said:
“GET out of my classroom!” The woman shouted and I flinched but was still caught in a strong daze…
A Suggestion:
"GET out of my classroom!" The woman shouted, and I flinched at her harsh voice but was still caught in a strong daze!.
You said:
“Lena” a childs voice echoed through my head!.
A Suggestion:
"Lena," a child's voice echoed through my head!.
You said:
I’de never been in such trouble!.
A Suggestion:
I'd never been in such trouble!. (Please change all of your "I'de" to "I'd" because that's the correct contraction!.)
You Said:
But I’de never had the whole classroom’s eyes boaring into my back as the teacher shrieked and I gathered up my books just to be rushed through the door!.
A Suggestion:
But I have never had the entire classroom's eyes boring (this is the correct spelling) into my back as the teacher shrieked at me, and I gathered up my books to be rushed through the door!.
Good luck with your writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com